don't get it

behindthewall

Registrant
I don't get why I put myself in situations where I will be around my mother. I do though, you think I would learn. Tonight was no different, her toxic mouth in overdrive and me leaving feeling like a useless piece of shit.

As she was droning on and on tonite, I finally asked her why she just didn't abort me when she found out she was pregnant with me. She said she could never kill one of her children, even one like me. I mean wtf. What does she think shes done to me the last 19 years of my life with her words, actions and withholding love. The beatings my dad gave me were nothing compared to what she dished out. It's her voice in my head that I can't get out, not the feeling of the strap. I just don't get it.
 

FormerTexan

Administrator
Staff member
BTW,

I hear ya when it comes to the mother. Mine said some of the most cutting things to me as I was growing up. Spirit-crushing stuff. A pity that the primary female in our lives was so damaging.

Andy
 

TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
I hear ya too when it comes to mothers - just had a rough talk with my mom earlier tonight myself

is sad some mothers are this way to their own children...
 
I am glad my mother is dead so I don't have to deal with her any longer in the physical sense.
Still clearing myself of the internal mental negativity that she instilled a lond time ago.

Some people should just be avoided at all cost for our own welfare.

Mike
 

joelRT

Member, Male
behindthewall said:
it's her voice in my head that I can't get out,
Man do I know how that feels. Unless you've experienced it you can't possibly understand. I could hear my mother's voice in my head as clearly and as distinctly as if she were standing right beside me. It's terrible freaky, not to say totally invasive.

It took a lot of hard work and a fierce determination on my part, but I got past her. Eight years ago I cut her completely out of my life, ended all contact with her and then decided to write a book about the childhood she gave me. That was very cathartic.

It was only once I was able to admit to myself that she was a mother to me in name only that I was finally able to break free. I no longer felt that I owed her anything, after all she never gave me anything of value so what was I trying to reward her for!?
 
then again, it is not much better being told she "loves" you after she abused you.

as i learned at the weekend of recovery, behaviours that are learned through variable, intermittent rewards are hard to break, e.g. slot machines that pay out different amounts at different intervals...or an abuser who is kind for a while, then abuses, then goes back to being kind etc.
 
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