Doing the best I can is so hard(very long)

[cmlsangel]

As you can see I'm new here, but thank goodness I found this place, for me and my Love. My story is long, so I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I met a wonderful man 3 years ago, we became friends and fell in love not long after. I knew he was married, but he told me he had moved out and was living w/ family. Well we work together, so we spent everyday w/ each other. Rode into work, took breaks,lunch, talked all day long and spent evenings w/ each other as well.. about 3-4 nites a week.. I always had questions which he would reassure.. I always felt I only knew 1/2 of him, if even, for as close as we were.. Fast forward now 3 1/2 years.. I recieve a phone call from his wife.. He had been living there the whole time.. Everything was a lie.. We cry.. I scream, yell, cry and plead to know why.. He left his wife.. Told her with me on the phone he's In Love with me.. And does all he can to show me he wants us.. Moves into his own place, never did that b4 on his own, goes to T, asks me to go to CC and sets it all up, they sell thier house, and are now moving toward a divorce. Thru going thru our histories he reveals more about the SA he experienced when he was 8.. Delves into who, what when and where.. But only tid bits, I let him go at his pace, which he does.. And since then has had horrible nightmares everynite. I have learned so much about him in the past few months, and with each new day. From his cowardice I have learned that he is a survivor. That there is a reason to all this madness, which unfortunatly caused alot of hurt to people, including me. Me who he insists he never meant to hurt. He says he could never allow himself to feel.. And I now see that. I am begining to understand this man I love with all my heart. It breaks my heart when he's having his nightmares. I try to talk him thru it, tell him I'm right there, rub his chest and kiss his skin just to know, but to no avail. And that kills me. They don't stop and I know they won't for a while. I know he has to relive this all and purge himself of it all. It has been buried so deep with in for so long. I just want to hold him so tight and not let go. I want to hold the child he has within and reassure him that one day everything will be okay and that no he did not deserve this, noone does. I know he has a hard time with his memories, they are so vivid, and all the confusing thoughts. I am just so proud of him for surviving and not letting go. And for finally begining to let it out and start healing. I know all I can do is listen quietly, reassure him, and hold him when he needs me. I wish there was so much more. I wish I could just carry a piece of his burden so it didn't seem so heavy sometimes. I guess in a way I am by just listening and loving him. God I love him. He's my best friend and I know we are both heading towards healing both us and him. We're a great team. I can't wait to watch him grow as he heals. I just wish there was so much more I could do. It breaks my heart to see him look so scared when he wakes up, like a frieghtened child,again. And to have him cling to me when he wakes up, I try to hold him so tight. He has so much love inside of him. It's nice to see him feel.. I see the anger, the pain, happiness, and so much love. He used to be flat, only showing the good sides. Now I see it all and I love it all.. It's just so painful now still, but I know in time it will get better. I hope. For now I wll continue with all that I can, in hopes that his pain will ebb in time with the help of you all, his T and my hand in his.

 

[Robby]

Angel,

I am a suvivor and have have only started the hard work of healing after I found my soulmate. I am thankful that your man has you.

Thank you for being there.

 

[Sunshinebaby]

Welcome Angel! I'm fairly new here myself and I have found alot of help and support on this site. If you haven't discovered yet, there are alot of informative articles on the site that will help you understand what your survivor is going through. It is obvious that you have alot of love for your survivor. He is just beginning his journey as is my fiance. My fiance started telling me about his SA a little over a month ago. For the first time in his life, he was able to tell someone what happened. Since then he hasn't brought it up much and I know there is alot more that he isn't ready to talk about yet. So, when he's ready to talk, I am there to listen, but I don't push for it. I let him do it in his own time, as you are doing with your boyfriend.

Originally posted by cmlsangel:
I have learned so much about him in the past few months, and with each new day. From his cowardice I have learned that he is a survivor. That there is a reason to all this madness, which unfortunatly caused alot of hurt to people, including me.

I am concerned for you and for him that there has been alot of dishonesty on his part. Please make sure you take care of yourself and don't let him bleed you emotionally dry. Make sure this isn't a one sided relationship where you are doing all the loving and caring. And right now, that may not be something he can give you. Also, he may come to a point where he starts pushing you away because he needs space to sort out everything he is going through, not only regarding the abuse, but the failure of his marriage. If you aren't taking care of yourself and your needs first, you may feel like you've lost a limb because it seems like he doesn't "need" you anymore. I am not saying for sure this will happen. I am not a professional by any means and I am new to this also. Just something you should be aware of.
You have found a loving and supportive community here. I hope you come back often to read and learn and to post when you are able or when you need to.
Take care,
Sunshine

 

[cmlsangel]

It is hard because he was so dishonest for so long. To avoid conflict he lied. Anything to keep the peace. Freightend like a child to have anyone mad at him. We are both in individual T as well as CC.. Which is good for both of us. And we are trying to keep a balance on working on us and working on him. I see so many characteristics of him in the survivor stories. He constantly questions if I love him and how could I. Noone ever showed him love before. He was both PA, EA and SA by family. All at a very young age. So he felt he never had anywhere to turn or anyone to trust. I am the first person he told about all of the abuses (PA+SA). He just began posting on the other side as well. He shows me alot of love. His way of pushing is constantly questioning for afirmation of my feelings for him. Just can't believe someone could love him. Keeps saying he's damaged and weak. I just reassure him that it wasn't him and he's a wonderful person inside. He at times looks at his marriage like an abuse as well. He feels like he just did as he was told. She picked out the ring and told him where to get it and by when. So he did it. And he felt like he was trapped. Nothing was ever good enough. And so he felt like a failure always. I do not allow him to drain me though. I limit the # of nites that we spend together because I feel he needs to learn how to comfort himself when he wakes up from his nightmares. he needs to learn he can stand on his own feet and feel pride in himself. I know he is stronger that he thinks he is. And is doing a great job thus far. I do feel guilty some nites when I know he's having a hard time telling him he can't stay over, but like I said he has to learn the strength he has within. And we have to grow as individuals as well. By limiting his nites over I am taking care of me as well. I'm just glad we found this forum. He made such a big step by posting, and got such good feed back from all. Thats going to help him greatly. He doesn't feel so alone anymore. Little by little he's seeing that his behaviors are common in survivors, and that his inner thoughts and feelings are not so disgusting as he once felt they were. It's bringing him out of isolation and finally making him see his strength as a human and a man.

 

[Sunshinebaby]

Originally posted by cmlsangel:
I see so many characteristics of him in the survivor stories. He constantly questions if I love him and how could I. Noone ever showed him love before. He was both PA, EA and SA by family. All at a very young age. So he felt he never had anywhere to turn or anyone to trust.

I remember one of the members here stating how amazed you will be at how alike "we" all are. I have found this is true and there is solace in knowing you are not alone. I am so glad as a couple you are setting boundaries and a system of checks and balances. It's great that the both of you are seeking counseling both together and seperately. It sounds like you are really doing your best to work through this. Good for you!