doesn't matter

[Aden]

It is unpleasant to know that your friends consider you an idiot. Being subject to their vanity and judgment, having no recourse because they become abusive if you express yourself is a brutal exercise in self control. Watching every word to avoid unintentional offense and learning to dodge offences randomly taken is a spiritual drain. Preparing for possible attacks and seeing those attacks come at predictable intervals confirms my perceptions.

I am not an ignorant relative who must be tolerated because of blood. I am an intelligent, well informed individual. You may not wish to hear the things that I could say. You might become vindictive because I tell the truth. You could yell, and curse, and call me a liar, a hypocrite, an idiot, or a stupid brain dead fool, but that doesnt change what is and what was. Because of your closed mind and bad behavior, you will never know what I think or how I feel. That is your loss.

I do not claim to be washed in the fountain of all knowledge. But I can see very clearly how utterly ignorant you can be. You meet honest questions with cruel attack. You stifle discussion with insult. You say your piece then retreat into your mind in order to find your next retort, never hearing my response. Your own voice is the only thing you ever hear. Even while I speak you shut me out.

I dont think that you are my friend anymore. We have been together my whole life, and losing you will be a major damage to my soul. But you have turned into an aggressively hostile, rude, inconsiderate, self-righteous, wave of negativity. When you walk in the door the room becomes gloomy. You want to know why I stay in my room and keep my door shut? Because I dont want to be around you anymore. When youre not trying to hurt me you are obviously struggling to be insincerely nice.

How can I possibly continue to live with you under these circumstances? You treat strangers better than you treat the ones who love you. Somehow you have come to believe that love is an excuse to emotionally abuse. You are wrong. I am happy to do what I can to ease your pain, but I will not let you cause me pain just because you are unhappy. So buck up buddy. Or get lost.

Aden

 

[MikeNY]

Well said.

 

[Leosha]

I think I am most confused with this. In that I do not know who you are addressing. It seem to be part of yourself. It just seems sad, and maybe lost some. It does matter, I think. Because you as a person matter, specially here. Please take good care of yourself. I am sorry if I misunderstand.

leosha

 

[Brayton]

I have to tell you that you help me with posts like this. I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I think I understand what you are saying here because it sounds so similar to what I've told myself so many times before.

I've come to ask myself, however,

Who is it that is really doing all that negative self talk? Is it really me or the abusers, either their collective voice or the horrible echoes left behind by what they did?

Am I accurately perceiving what people are saying or doing? How do I know? My ideas about myself and other people have been so twisted by the abuse I experience that I can hardly be sure of what I am thinking.

I know, however, that what I am feeling is real. I try to listen to that. Not to minimize it or explain it--just hear it and acknowledge it. I know that I am still in a lot of pain resulting from what happened to me and that's natural.

Reminding myself that my perception might be inaccurate helps. Either way I can sometimes let it go because even if what they think/say about me is really how they feel, its still not an accurate desription of who I really am.

 

Aden,

Isn't it amazing that some of the people we are closest to can give us the most pain?

I think it's an excellent post.

Hang in there, brother.

Marc