Does this ever happen to you?

Does this ever happen to you?
J

John Oarc

Registrant
When I am confident, I go out boldly into the world and speak my mind, I tell others how I feel and what I think I deserve in return. Thinking that I am becoming normal, so to say. Feeling the freedom of being myself and it is great.

Just when I think everything is okay, i.e. it is okay to speak my mind and be myself, it blows up in my face. Instantly I feel the need to retreat or take back my words, my needs, but I don't.

This leaves me thinking I should go back to the way I used to be and I fight it off, the old way; trying to make everyone happy and fearful of what will happen if I don't achieve it.

I know that I should not care, I should be brave but the fear, the old me is trying to brake through and I find it a difficult battle.

Anyone else ever felt like this?

Anyone know what is driving the "need to please?"

I think it comes from the abuse, I tried to make sure people would like me because I had this fear that they already knew about my SA. Making sure people liked me by doing what ever they wanted was the key, which leaves me wanting, hurting and always giving. I'll be damned if I will go back to that even if I have to lose my job, even if it means bankruptcy. I know that sounds extreme but that is the way I feel.

Codependency sucks, lol
 
I can't relate to what you're talking about but I hope that I can contribute to this thread by giving an opposite example of how CSA can manifest itself in a man's life long after he was a boy.

I came of age not giving a shit about anybody (except for my friends and family). I didn't really care about me either. I made no plans for my future, and I didn't care about what others thought of me, and I never tried to please anyone.

It seems like we took opposite paths down the road to adulthood John.
 
I believe that what's happening is that even though you consciously want to "be yourself", deep inside you think having or expressing negative or at least not-positive thoughts or feelings suggests that you're not coping or healing well, so you want to force yourself to be calm and think good things. I also think that since you've been hurt and know how it feels, you don't want to make anyone else feel that way.

Which is fine. You shouldn't let anyone walk on you, but that doesn't mean you can't be polite whenever possible if that is your tendency - the two are not mutually exclusive. In my (rather young) opinion, there are too many people in this world who consider themselves "at war with political correctness", thinking that by not being polite they are demonstrating their freedom of expression or individuality. In reality, they're just demonstrating that they're a$$holes. I'm sure you feel the same way, and you're afraid of becoming one of these people.

I don't think you're one of them. And you can't expect to iron out a deeply-rooted ideosyncracy in a month, or a year, or two years' time. Stick with it, bro.
 
I think it comes in waves. I get strong and then I face more and it knocks me on my arse. Then I work through it and have new understanding and feel more deeply and am strong again. But then it hits me all over again.

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I just had a good few weeks and then it bites me again and I try to go to my old coping and way of dealing with it. But I see the lie and the coping no longer works and it aggrivates me.

I have to remember that my hiding, my covering, my distracting, my dissociating - no matter how much they anger me now - are what kept me alive. I must respect them because that's how I survived. But I must go past them and feel and remember and break the silence.

Each time the desire to retreat and hide seems to lessen. But as I face things - like needing to tell my family - or telling a friend - I am thrown and want to run. But I pick myself up again and move forward. I will not be stuck.

It is that moving forward, for me, that brings the rollercoaster. I refuse to be stuck. But becoming healthy really sucks. Seeing really sucks. Feeling really sucks. Remembering sucks. Talking about it sucks. All of it sucks until I feel and express it and am accepted. Then I realize my strength and my strength to face it all over again.
 
I find its like bobbing up and down on the Ocean, coming up for air before the next wave.
Sometimes its like putting a fire out with gas, the effects are the same.

John,
I think it comes from the abuse, I tried to make sure people would like me because I had this fear that they already knew about my SA. Making sure people liked me by doing what ever they wanted was the key, which leaves me wanting, hurting and always giving.
Click to expand...
I did that, the lonely boy looking for affection, but without healthy boundaries.
I always did give more than I took, which leads to others taking advantage.

I really wish I could shake that one off,

ste
 
John,

I wonder if that desperate need to please is rooted in a feeling of low self-esteem and even worthlessness. That is, the survivor feels that his worthlessness is obvious and will be discovered any second. So he desperately tries to please others to delay the fateful moment and provide them with counter-examples that will keep them from rejecting the way he feels he really deserves.

This is how I behaved as a high-school student after the abuse ended. I was desperate to achieve the best grades and do everything possible to gain my parents' approval. That wasn't necessary since I had their approval already, but that wasn't how it felt to me. I projected my own feelings of self-loathing and imagined that they must feel the same way.

Much love,
Larry
 
Man, a lot said in these post's.

Knowing the old addictions or coping mech's will not work is tough and I feel you on that one Scooter. It is almost like the fun was taken from them when I realized what they were.

Larry the Self esteem is a big issue and I wish I knew how to stay on top of it, I feel the ocean waves like you said Reality.

Milliferal, just wanting to be myself is a life long dream, I hope I make it.

Hauser, I sometimes wish I had a touch of what you described. Balance is becoming a word I find most intriguing.

Thanks for the help,
 
I get a feeling that was called the "wobble" effect in another forum.
Just another name to go with the thousands of other names and effects of past abuse.

The wobble to me, is when I am somewhere and suddenly feel threatened or not being able to cope, it is pretty scary.

Another term for it is dissociation, where you are triggered by something you know not what.
To me its like the dream were you are falling but must awaken before you land.

I talked about this with a psyche doc, and he didnt have a clue what I was talking about, so he may have learned something that day, I guess not, because he never mentioned it in his report.

Just dont let the weight burden you down,

ste
 
Need to please, man that is big one, why? because when you please you get love, well that is what I learnt as a child. How? When my parents didn't love me I thought it was my fault, it was something I did, I thought if only I could please them they would be less critical and abusive, getting their approval became my goal in life, though within I was hating them for having some much power over me.

So the solution really is self love.

As for the need to retreating back into the shell each time you feel your brve efforts are blowing up on your face or think that coming out was a mistake, I feel it is just that each time we decide to come out and get used to it, nature decides to raise the bar a little higher so that we can learn to handle life better.

So dont take it personally, it is just part of your growth, as with each hurt we learn to handle situations better, if you see them as learning experience that is, and not punishments from a mean world, world is as safe and loving as you thing it to be, and yes it treats you just the way, you treat yourself.

So, there is your catch. Give yourself all the love and respect you can and watch the world change around you.
 
you asked if anyone has a driving need to please...and,well, my entire personality and way of life is based on wanting/needing to please every single person. it is defintaly not a positive thing, i don't think.
 
I am finding that my health is the main thing suffering from all of the poor coping mech's. My stomach is so messed up that it is erroding my esophagus away. Just last night I made a trip to the ER, couldn't breathe because my airway was closed down from reflux moving into my lungs. I feel better today and I actually feel more confident and less stressed. The physical body takes a beating in this process as well as the mental and they are conected.
 
I forgot to put in how it relates to the topic.

My health takes me down and it makes it hard to fight the old coping mech's and I find myself having less strength to keep going towards recovery and freedom. I thought it was my hormones, depression, my job, and now I know it has been my stomach, reflux. Man I need to slow down and take care of myself instead of worrying about crap I cant control.
 
i hope you feel better john
i have noticed i sleep less im losing wieght fast and i pace when in my apparment im chewing my nails and im smokin like a chimney nobody said this was going to be easy there is no time line no finish line no magic potion knowing this can be overwhelming but im not going to let fear stop me im not embarassed anymore i have crushed that fear it wasnt my fault my abuser had control over me due to me not loving myself this is my present focus my doctor has given my effexor its helping when i started dealing with my abuse i felt suicidal i was living in fear anger affliction and axiety today im doing alot better my denial and fear of dealing with my issues has cost me alot in my life but not anymore john i believe i have alot of work ahead still to do all i will suggest dont try to solve all your issues at once just focus when i read victums no longer a light went off inside my head im not alone your not alone and with some tough hard work you will be happy the little dark cloud will go away thats what i tell myself and it seems to be working
 
That was the straw that broke the camels back, the smoking that is. It further damaged my throat. I can only pray that I get some relief and I think I am. I am really happy that it was my health and not my mental health that was leading me down the path of anxiety and depression. I think I was on the verge of chronic fatigue syndrome.

Feeling better now though, Thanks guys for listening to me ramble.
 
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