Does recovery feel "raw" and "unbearable" before things get better?

[JAAY]

I was wondering if anyone had any insight into this I feel like I moving towards a better place but times I feel so emotional and everything is raw. I am mad about how my abuse has impacted my life but I also know that I must leave the anger and self-blame game behind. I have felt like screaming and did that when I got stuck in traffic today. Thanks for your insight!
Jaay

 

[ForeverFighting]

Does recovery feel "raw" and "unbearable" before things get better?

Yes.

Raw and unbearable might even be mild descriptions of what I felt at times. I remember looking out a window into the autumn woods and wishing, just wishing for a moment of peace. I didn't need an hour--just a minute or two of peace.

Therapy and time changed everything for me. I don't know that I 'left the anger' behind. We have good reason to be angry. Just not at ourselves, because it wasn't our fault we were dropped into the middle of a sick madhouse. Through the years I've been able to extracate myself from my sick family and see that I can be different, I can be better. Seeing the truth of life back there in all its hideous glory and feeling for the first time in my life the realization that they were not normal.

It does get better. The emotions are the itch after a bad cut. It indicates the nerves are healing. We're healing.

Take care, Jaay. It's good to have you here.

 

[RICK57]

Jaay - for me, when I first found this site it was a very raw and emotional time (2yrs 3 months and 18 days now). I'd already gone through an extreme range of emotional feelings in the months prior to coming here (including breakdown).

I was abused back in 1969, but had never really told until we hit this century (3 friends). Then I told the police in October 2004. That led to a court case this year, and a 'conviction' 4 weeks ago.

My emotions have ranged from very raw, to very happy (and a range in between). When that rawness appears now, I recognise something else within it...strength. That was never there before (or I couldn't see/feel it).

I feel anger now, rather than rawness. It's controlled anger, and yes I do feel better for doing something about what was hurting me!

If you feel anger, please try and direct it away from yourself to where it is deserved - the perpetrators!

Best wishes...Rik

 

[roadrunner]

Jaay,

Does recovery feel "raw" and "unbearable" before things get better?

I agree with Michael, yes, absolutely.

In my case what happened was that I showed up and was immediately welcomed and set at ease. I realized I wasn't alone, and to so many things that I read I was thinking yes, me too! It was almost euphoric.

But encouraged by that positive development I began to allow myself to think about things and put them together. The result was a hurricane of emotions and memories that I really wasn't expecting and wasn't ready for yet. I felt lost and unsafe, and it seemed like the shit never stopped.

My reaction to that was to prevent myself from talking about my feelings, and of course that was a bad move. A mod here spotted what I was doing and talked to me about it, and that got me moving again. But still, it seemed very challenging and very raw.

If things keep feeling unbearable, perhaps you are trying to push ahead too hard and need to ease off a bit. Recovery should be challenging and should press our comfort zone, but shouldn't be terrifying or traumatic.

As to things getting better, yes, I do feel things are getting a LOT better. I feel I trust myself more now, and I have managed to banish a lot of old fears. The great thing is that I now know I can do this. That makes all the difference.

Much love,
Larry

 

[JAAY]

Thanks for all your postings. In many ways I am I believe that I am learning to understand what has happened to me and process the emotions that go along with it. I have not had the capacity to cry in years and now it seems that I can and move on and enjoy the rest of my day.

I am aware of the things that might seem to piss me off but when I think about I always yell why did he do this to me. I then calm myself down by talking out loud. I have been telling myself that it was not my fault and that I deserve to be happy.

I am trying to forgive myself for areas in my life that I have messed up. That is the hard part..I beat myself up and do not forgive myself. I know that it is not rational but it almost just happens.