DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO REVEAL

[charlesxy]

Hi,

I was abused by a neighbor when I was about 4-6 years old. I never told my parents. I have only told my best friend. I am now 40yrs old and have been considering for some time telling my parents.

The abuser was the teenage son of a friend of my mom. For some reason, my dad never cared much for the family so I think he would be more supportive of me than my mom. Then again, I told my dad about a dentist who was rough with me when I was about 5 years old and he told me to "try to forget about it." He also asked me why I didn't day anything at the time. I was too young and scared to say something. That is why.

I know my parents love me, but I am fearful that they won't believe me or try to turn it on me. If so, I don't want to then resent or hate them. My dad is also 84, so there is not much time left. I may also be causing unnecessary to an old man.

I've been to a therapist and he asks me what my motivation would be in telling my parents. We still haven't worked this issue out. Part of me thinks that getting the truth out would help me cope. But, that may be selfish. I admitted to my therapist that I may have darker motives, like revenge against my mom for misplacing her trust in such people (the abuser and his family). I am also fearful that if I find out the abuser's last name and whereabouts (I only remember a first name and I think the family has long since moved away), I may want to exact revenge on him. I do not consider myself to be a violent person and I've never been in trouble with the law, but then again I never hated anyone so much as this abuser.

Can anyone shed some insight advice? Is it best to keep this between myself and my therapist? Has anyone ever regretted revealing past abuse when there really was nothing that could be done at the time the abuse was revealed?

Thanks.

 

[justplainme]

It's very rare that when survivors reveal their history of abuse they will be met with a positive response, most of the time we are assaulted for shattering the illusion of a normal family life for many parents or people close to us, truth is if abuse where more discussed and brought to justice, none of us would be here.
I would do what you feel is best for YOUR health, try and reflect on the motives why you would want your parents to know, make sure you do it for yourself and no one else. When it comes to the abuser and revenge, fuck that asshole, seriously, what happened to you was not your fault. So it is normal if you would want to beat the living daylights out of someone like that. What better revenge for you than no longer being scared of that abuser, he should live with the fear of knowing that he could be under danger any time, and with perfect justification, let him be afraid, you be in control.

 

[don64]

Hi Charlesxy,

My experience is that what I have to change is always in myself, and that is the energy of others I have internalized. Changing others never really does anything for me, and it can be quite distracting. It's so easy to point a finger away from myself, when the only thing that ever works in making me stronger and more centered is always in myself.

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[DavoSwim]

Hi Charlesxy.

I can relate to your experience. I was abused 40 years ago by our parish priest and 35 years ago by a family friend. I didn't tell anyone at the time. In addition, about 25 years ago, the priest was arrested for abuse, and my mom asked me if he had done anything at the time. I lied then and said no.

About 2 years ago, when it got too much, I finally sought help for the CSA. I began seeing a T. About 3 months after beginning to see a T I decided to tell my parents. My mom was 79 and my dad 82 at the time. In addition, both the abusers were dead at that time. In some ways, there was nothing to gain, but I felt opening up would be a good move. I knew I was taking a risk, because after all, I was making accusations against a priest and my parents are die hard Catholics

Both my parents were really supportive. Of course my mom cried and hugged me. She said how sorry she was and wish she had known. She said she would have done anything to protect me. My dad said if he had known he would have killed the guy. I don't doubt it. In some ways, it's helped me developed a stronger more complete relationship with my parents. I don't feel like I'm hiding something. It's helped me deal with the guilt and shame which has been with me for decades.

I realize that not everyone has the same positive results I had. Still, I hope to demonstrate that not all responses are destructive. When I look back now, I realize that the clues were there that indicated that a positive response was likely.

Please, think about what you want to do. Think honestly about any clues that would indicate how your parents might respond. I wish you luck. It's a big step you're considering. And regardless of what you decide, remember that healing is possible. I wish you the best.

Dave

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Charlesxy. It can be a crapshoot how family will react when they hear the revelation that one was sexually abused as a child. I finally got the courage to tell my father that my mother was one of my sexual abusers (although she was also physically, verbally and psychologically abusive as well). He looked at me and said, "Well no wonder you're so screwed up." Not the most helpful response.

My wife, on the other hand, has been steadfast as can be and has supported me unconditionally through this journey.

My dad has also been pressuring me to reveal details of the sexual abuse. He says he needs "closure." My thought is that I will tell whom I choose, and he is not one of those people. I have revealed everything to my therapist -- not even my wife knows all the details. My therapist's opinion -- and one I share about you -- is that I need to do what is best for me to recover from this assault and trauma. Not what is best for (insert name here: my dad, whoever) but me. And I think you need to do what is best for you.

Good luck.

 

[victor-victim]

Question: DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO REVEAL?

Short answer: YES!

Long answer:
[spoiler: revelation ]dear charlesxy,

all i can tell is you my own experience.

everything immediately got better,
as soon as i stopped hiding my history.
it continues to improve, without the secrecy.

i have adopted a proactive, early disclosure policy,
with a non-negotiable "take it or leave it" clause.
this saves me from becoming too attached to people too soon.
disclosure divides potential friends from foes.
if i wait too late, and invest too much time and trust,
before testing the connection, i might get hurt.

early on, it became apparent that once i told one person,
the story would circulate rapidly,
regardless of confidentiality or privacy.

eventually everyone hears about it, anyway.
discrete disclosure often ends as public exposure.

so i learned to control the message.

i carefully choose how and when and to whom i tell.
i do not demand secrecy, i simply explain my situation.
let them spread the story for me, if they so choose.
turn it into news.
i have nothing to hide.

if they take it in stride,
i am willing to walk and work with that person.
caring, sharing, giving and living as friends.

trust and respect are earned over time,
gradually, slowly, by degrees.
it takes years of tears to tell allies from enemies.

even allies will tell lies for your protection,
when enemies weaponize truth with ill intent.

the risk of vulnerability
versus the reward of intimacy.
if someone is uncomfortable with me,
simply because of my history or PTSD,
it is best that i know who they are,
before i take another step closer.

if the person is already close,
and this causes friction,
dysfunction creates destruction.

that relation's ship is not seaworthy.
safety inspection, damage control, emergency repairs,
routine maintenance, due diligence and preventive measures must be implemented immediately...
attention to detail is mandatory.
otherwise, you're sailing straight to the bottom of the sea.
abandon ship or start a mutiny.

i have made it my lifelong goal to tell the truth, and live with the consequences.
the only alternative is to lie or keep secrets and live with those consequences.

having tried both paths frequently,
i can honestly tell you honesty is the best policy.

shame is a vampire, it sucks the life out of my soul... slowly savouring every second of my silent suffering.
the vampire can only work in the dark.
thriving at night, he dies in the light.
secrecy scourges the survivor and protects the predator.

deception is a dangerous defense because it can lead to denial/delusion.
as time goes by, the lie must be propped up by a continuous convincing performance and further fabrication.
the hole you have committed to digging gets deeper, daily,
until the bullsht pit becomes your grave.

i got so good at digging/deceiving,
i wound up believing my own fantasy fiction.
that provided enough entertainment to keep me distracted as i tunneled halfway to... well, you get the picture, i hope.

by the time i realized how far down i was,
it took a long time to climb back out.
then i had to fill the hole so i wouldn't fall in again.

since then...

the truth,
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth.
so help me, god.

revelation.
i like it.
i love it.
i live it. [/spoiler]

Question: DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO CONCEAL?

 

[Halster]

I've struggled with the same issue - particularly since the abuse happened more than 40 years ago.

I've decided to not tell my parents. My mother died after a long battle with dementia - and it wouldn't have made any difference anyways. My father is now 92 - and I don't see any reason to send him to the grave burdened by thoughts about something that he didn't have anything to do with anyways.

I just called my therapist - and will begin working on my issues, again, in about a week.

 

[Bardo]

Congratulations on that courageous decision!

 

[charlesxy]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses.

Although I don't doubt my parents' love for me, I feel they made mistakes (like we all do). My relationship with my mom was sometimes rocky (although it's better now, I feel). When I was younger and brought home poor grades, she would embarrass me by showing those grades to other family members, who, I guess, she thought could help me because they were well educated. I don't know. But, I do know that it hurt. It hurt then and it hurts now when I think about it. Once time, I brought it up a few years and she denied it. This is one reason I am reluctant to bring up the abuse. The abuser was the son of her friend and she left me in their care. My mom also prides herself on being a good mother who protected her kids. For the most part, this is true. But, I am sure that she does not want to hear anything to shatter the illusion that she protected her children from all harm and that she made huge lapse in judgment.

Anyway, thanks for the responses and for letting me share.

 

[Still]

DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO REVEAL

I gotta say, it all went very badly for me, so; NO!

I never intended to reveal any of this to my father and one living sister, but they kind of needed to know where I went for a while (twice) and why it was "one of those hospitals."

It could not have been worse because I would expect that once someone knows about "it," they would be at least a little bit supportive instead of bemused by my effort to un-fk myself.

So, they only were told because they HAD to know. Else, I would not have allowed it. It all went to prove that whenever I'm vulnerable to any human, I get screwed.

I did confront my father about the psychotic beatings and terrorism in my childhood, but I never laid the CSA out there for him to know about, as I did not want to hand him any additional power.

If you are seeking support, fine, but you had better know these parents of yours well enough to know how they will actually react.

Your T is right. Know WHY you want to disclose and know all your alternative paths.

 

[Halster]

I suppose it all depends upon what you are "expecting" or "wanting" to happen.

I suspect that we reveal CSA to folks while we, in some way, are expecting something from them. Do we need to feel accepted? Do we need to be understood? Do we need to be loved? Do we just want another person to know?

I would suspect that that's a good place to begin. Think about what you are "expecting" to get back from the person to whom you plan to speak - and think about how reasonable it is to "expect" that that's what you're going to get.

 

[KMCINVA]

My experience was mixed. My father suspected something based on a discussion he had with the guys in town over coffee. One father told of his two sons who were altar boys and were abused in the church. The boys had a difficult life. I was driving my Dad home from dialysis and he told me the story and asked did anything happen to me when I was an altar boy. I was startled and gave a non answer. He said if I wanted to talk he was here for me. He passed away before I was ready. Strangely, my unraveling began around the time he was passing. Triggers were everywhere around me in my home. The memories and nightmares erupted. I was falling apart and the triggers were rampant in the home, an environment that was recreating the emotions of my abuse. I was totally unraveled, dissociating, not sleeping, etc. It became so bad, fast forward I was a mess. I told the family of the abuse, what a negative and non supportive response I received.

My Mom was coming to the end. She was non responsive and I went to her. She was lingering and fighting not to go. I believe my Dad had said something to her based on what one of aids had said to me. She said you are Kevin, your mother worried so much about you. She said something had happened to me and she did not know. She said she did not know and could not help me. Later, I told my Mom what happened (without details) and that I was alright and getting help. She still was not responsive but seemed to stop fighting. I now knew I would have to go to the church where the abuse occurred to bury my Mom. I went to the church to speak to a priest who had given my mom the last rites. He was so compassionate and understanding. He helped me make it through the funeral with a visit to the church two days before the funeral. I faced the place of the abuse. This was a turning point. Everyone I met here on out were so understanding, caring and compassionate to me. Even the Diocese extended themselves.

I would say more people will be compassionate but when you meet the ones who lack compassion and have a closed mind the response can be devastating. My doctors and T wanted me out of the house because the environment was destructive and could have pushed me to a place of no return. They felt I was being re-traumatized. I also made disclosure by accident, I posted to what I thought was a private closed page of Facebook about my sexual abuse. It turned out to be an open page and all of a sudden I was receiving messages of support. I did not receive one negative response. I was petrified when I learned it was an open posting and went to my timeline. However the responses proved me wrong. If I had relied on the first responses I received I would not have disclosed to others and probably would not be where I am today in the healing process.

The long and short, there is a risk and reward. Only you can determine what is right for you. I saw the spectrum of responses. Fortunately for me, the positive outweighed the negative.