Does it make a difference which gender is the abusuer?

Does it make a difference which gender is the abusuer?
S

Struggling

Registrant
To this day, I still dont know who abused my husband as a child, if it was a man or a woman (all I know is that it was a relative). I, am new to this, so I have tons of questions, but does whether or not if the abuser was a man or a woman make a difference in how the victim views that gender in later years? Does he grow up to not trust women if it was a woman or resent men if it was a man or not bond with men - or is it all the same? I have tried to get my husband to talk about what happened to him, but he is not ready yet, but I would like to understand more about it in the meantime. Any thoughts?
 
V. the man I love has been abused (and probably raped) by his mother. He has been struggling really hard with trust issues. Even after 10 months knowing me, he flipped out because I wanted to offer him a Christmas present !!! He went beserk accusing me of wanting to manipulate him into a relationship he did not want...
Since then he has made other accusations that are completely irrational, turning me into this horrible and evil woman. I have tried to talk to him, but he was verbally abusive every time. At the peak of that crisis he turned paranoied (here are some of the insanities he told me : I was dangerous and crazy because of my spiritual beliefs, I took photos of him in secret to show them around on the internet and make people believe we are together and I my training in art therapy to help male survivors is all because I want to heal him and I want him to come to my workshop as a patient !!!! :( )
I have always been there for him, kind, affectionate, gentle...And the few times i made mistakes in the relationship I apologized. Before he used to see me as this incredible person, like a goddess and now he hates me and I am a monster.
I think the bond between a mother and his son is so strong that the abuse creates an incredible trauma. Who can you trust if the person who should have been the most trustworthy on the planet betrayed and used you ???? How can he believe that a woman can do what his mother did not do ??? :confused:
I don't even know how to tell him how much I hate his mother for what she has done. I want to scream, I want to hold him tight and yes sometimes I want to kill his mother :mad:
Hope this is helping you somehow.
Love and hugs to you ;)
Caro
 
It can make a slight difference in the actions / reactions, but other than that, no, the overall end results are the same. The long term reactions and feelings are the same.
 
Struggling,

Gender doesn't make much of a difference. I have both male and female perps. They both have caused much difficulties, socially and sexually.

Trust issues have come from both. The inability to open up and come truely close to anybody, regardless of sex. The pushing away when somebody is getting close to me.

Having sex can be a big trigger. Making love to my ex-wives has triggered flashbacks of both the male and female perps. Having meaningless sex has not been possible for me.

Your husband will share with you when he is ready. It isn't something you can force out of him. Being there for him, supporting and listening, is the way to increase his trust in you to a point of sharing it with you. This can be a long process.

Best wishes,
Bill
 
Originally posted by Caetel:

"I don't even know how to tell him how much I hate his mother for what she has done. I want to scream, I want to hold him tight and yes sometimes I want to kill his mother."
________________________________________________

Caro,

This is exactly how I feel about my friend's mother. I cannot imagine meeting her because it would be impossible for me to look at someone so utterly self-centered and evil-hearted.

Mary
 
I don't see much difference in male vs female abusers.

The important thing seems to be the abuse of power and trust. The sex, although important, seems secondary to this.

But I've only been abused by males....

Dave
 
i can only share that my hubby remembers every exact detail of his male abusers... the abuse by his so called mother, is not remembered in detail.
the abuse has left an inability to trust fully any males or females. altho he is more "clingy" or dependant upon me. A love/hate relationship in many ways. Hubby would and still does some acts to push me away, holds in secrecy but has been explained to him in his T sessions this is actually some sort of a way to "pull me closer" to him? Perhaps to use my mothering, or co dependancy etc... a way to reabuse himself or to keep the "i feel like shit therefore I must be shit and act like shit to deserve shit" type of thinking going on????
I may be off base here -- I do wholeheartedly believe tho that the abuse by his mother has done far more damage to him than the abuse by the males that abused him
His so called mother is the one who was Ultimately his supreme protector (or rather should have been) but instead became his ultimate supreme abuser -- I too hate her guts , walking the fine line of supporting hubby in how he chooses to have a relationship with that bitch is a hard one for me, often I threaten to call her out and just beat the life out of her (i tell him this when he is obviously angry with her) -- yet I cannot place that controversy into our own relationship (tho its a mess in itself) --
Either way the end result is the damage is done to the victim by the Power used over the victim ....
I think in my hubbys case it is easier for him to outwardly hate and express his anger at the males who raped him as there was in deed very life threatening violence attached (they held a knife to his throat as they raped him) -- his so called mother was and is the more sinister of them as she used her "love to kill him" --- I remember that line from the movie "The Green Mile" (stephen king)when the accused killer of the girls is discovered holding the dead girls -- later he explains the murderer (wild bill) "Used they Love for each other to kill them".... in essence I think it sums up just exactly what my hubbys so called mother did to my hubby -- used his love for her to kill his very essence of the man he was mapped out to be -- it is amazing to know that he can and does have the capability to overcome such emotional and physical torment to be able to go on and love not only me, no matter how dysfunctional but his daughters and those around him who are good folks....
In summarizing this -- it matters not the gender of the abuser, those who have been victimized and go on to survive and then THRIVE do so because of self preservation and the love and support surrounding them....
We are all worth something and we ALL have something to GIVE to this life.... no matter our trials, and tribulations.
Peace fill us All,
Sammy
 
struggling,
ultimately, abuse is abuse, and betrayal is also betrayal. personally, i think i have a great deal more from the sexual abuse of my maternal perp than the sexual abuse from her husband. boys are taught that there is supposed to be a sacred bond in motherhood. that sacredness is severely twisted when the sex abuse happens from the object of what is supposed to be sacred, the mother. perhaps for me, i put too much emphasis on that, but for me, it is the experience i have. there is betrayal and distortion of the father/daughter bond, or even the father/son bond, but there is something more spiritual (for me at least) in the betrayal of the motherhood bond and the lessons we were taught as boys to revere our mothers and respect our fathers. there is a difference. it is as though the creator betrayed me personally through my maternal perp. in my opinion, there is a difference in the effect of not the gender so much as the relationship and its spiritual connotations. don't know if this confused you more, or if it did help, but for me, her betrayal of that sacred trust that i was told to revere is far more destructive than the sodomy and oral rape i suffered by her husband as a four year old. why? because it distorted everything that was supposed to be holy and sacred. if that most fundamental bond is so easily distorted, then everything else that is supposed to built from it is ugly. take care.
 
Struggling,

I don't think the perp's gender matters so much. I strongly believe that the relationship of the perpetrator to the victim matters greatly, and that the degree of parental facilitation, if any, is extremely important -- even if the parents were completely unaware of the SA. If Mom and Dad, in complete ignorance, sent their four year-old son over to the "lonely" elderly neighbor's house every day and the neighbor sodomized the little boy each time, then Mom and Dad shared in the CSA because their son was totally dependent upon them for life sustanence and protection. If the babysitter masterbated the 5 year-old right in front of the boy's mother, then the mother and the babysitter are equally perps; and the boy learns that his mother will never protect him and doesn't care about him. If a newly divorced woman turns her 13 year-old into her substitute husband and depends upon him for both sex and emotional support, then the so-called mother has done everything within her power to destroy her son except physically kill him. My friend survived the last two examples, but at enormous emotional and cognative cost. The miracle is that he has survived as well as he has. It is a tribute to his tremendous courage and drive.
Take care.

Mary
 
I like you, have no clue if it was a man or women, I just automatically assumed it was a man, but I am not allowed to meet his mom, and she thinks I am a monster too (Caetel, your story is so similar to me......he gets severe paranoia at times, and then lashes out, at times makes me out to be this horrid person, but that only lasts a day with me. sounds like longer for you. But yes, I was reading of paranoia issues, its pretty bad. So I can relate to both of you totally.). I dont think I will ask though if it was a man or women, like you, too hard to ask. I too, know it was family. His image of women isnt the greatest (thinks we are takers), but I am not sure. I read on this post about a girls man getting man she got him a Xmas present. Well, that is the number one thing my boyfriend hates, any sort of gift. Even if I bring him a slurpie or chocolate bar, he is like, what do you want almost? Gifts make him feel not comfortable, so does the love word. You are not alone. He doesnt give much either, but I get in other ways. I will get a great meal cooked for me, (refused to wrap anything) will just like hand me unwrapped b-day present and stuff, but you learn to appreciate what they are able to give. I think I went off topic, just relating to both people in this post. Better go, I am rambling.
 
My live-in boyfriend of eight years now was SA by his older sister. As a result of this, he does not trust women. I am either the perfect women or a horrible woman at times. He has a hard time with sex, it reminds him or triggers his abuse by a woman. So, in this sense I think the gender does matter.The problems and emotions are the same but is it a constant reminded more when it involves the same sex partner as the abuser? I too have so many unanswered questions. mc22
 
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