At first, I thought that I had to find some in order to prove to myself that they were taken. But my T told me I don't have to prove anything since I know they were taken and I don't have to prove it to anyone else, especially myself.
I haven't gotten into sharing any of the specific details involving my gang rape. I don't even keep track of what year it was or how old I was. Roughly 15/16 so it was around 2012/'13, I think. It's all too much for me. I was once capable of writing 3-5 pages in a green notebook. It took me 3 days to keep enough coherence to journal, and process my flashbacks. I do not attempt to process flashbacks at this time, I practice grounding. It was a rage inducing frustration with myself. I lost the notebook for a few months and later found it while cleaning to stay busy. I took it out back and burned it. My wife came out and hugged me and I cried. Been plenty up and down before and since.
I have gone through much self interrogation to re create the scene in my mind. To understand what happened to me. Because it changed me, and the changes are secret. I won't describe it well enough here. Just that I was alone in a nasty apartment that was mine via quid pro quo with the landlord. I had been up for a week or so, on various hard drugs. At the time I was dealing with the prior trauma of drug and rape that involved my brain injury. And everything else in life. I remember not being able to sleep at all, and having to coerce myself to sleep. Within minutes of finally reaching a state of rest. My mind was noticing the imminent threat, sounds of men whispering and my door being popped open.
I did not take me face out of my pillow. I tried to hate my body enough to not feel the trauma in that moment. I wanted to be as self hated as they hated me so they could not hurt me more than I hurt myself. But they hurt me.
I did not look at them. I did not want to acknowledge anything. Oh how I have regretted everything so much. But I am grateful to be alive still... I did not resist or fight. They had a very large blade and were intent on hurting me. I had some frail hope that if they fucked me hard enough I wouldn't get murdered.
It was years later that I was able to see through the events a little better. I remember being photographed by strangers and gang stalked. I speculate that I was being targeted for sex traffic, but in that town I was just as renown as I was a mystery to everyone. The referred to me as " the thing " and only people who interacted with me, knew me by the name Janus. I knew myself by this name as well. The little boy Johnathan was abandoned, I admit to that. I was not very valuable in appearances, not enough to be sold. Yet I was a target for the town creep. Auvye was a bad man. He has been actually raided and busted for such as child pornography, human trafficking, drug distribution, and weapons. It had an article in the local news paper when it happened, but the crook had friends in high places and he got out of prison very soon. He had groups of teenage boys who he had groomed and molested, and these boys worked for him all around town. He had the cops in his pocket, more than once. Well I remember 3 times the police department was completely replaced.
I was involved in a circle of dangerous people, much outside his ability to interact with me. Never ending, the rumors and stories about what he's done to boys. Someone once approach me to show me a video of my mother shoving icecubes in her vagina and rubbing icy hot into her vagina. She did it for $5. .. I try to play with forgiveness, but from a distance, that woman is wrong. Very wrong.
I do have a lot of flashbacks and muscle memory, but my actual memory is hard to access. I have much going on even now, so diving to deep into this will take forever. Sorry, the point of my message was about my attackers.
Who I do dismissively allowed to violate . I am very certain some times about the use of video recording. But as my headache gets bigger I ultimately dismiss the abuse, and I needed to say that you helped me today. By sharing how those words here.
We should learn the most from falling down and figuring out how to get back up.
