Does anyone else feel this way

[one_day_at_a_time]

Well lately I have been thinking about alot of stuff. I dont really know where to start. but ill try

I have been mostly thinking alot about who I am. I have a problem with the word attraction. For since I can remember I have always liked girls and even though I have and i think that they look good I cant ever seem to bring myself to say that they are attractive because in some part of me it feels like im not telling the truth or im lying. I dont think I am but thats how I feel.
When I see a guy whos good looking theres also this feeling that comes up in me---like this feeling of inferiority and something else too--i dont know what it is--all i know is that it is quelled when I think that i look as good as the guys I see or that I am as much of a man as that guy I see. I dont really know how to describe it. Of course like many other survivors I have dealt with my sexuality and I still beleive that I am heterosexual. But when these issues come up it makes me question it again and again. I dont really know what to do I am trying so hard to find an answer to these questions.??? I am just so lost and confused????

ALong with these questions go many others--I dont know what it feels like to be a man_-What do I do what do I say?? I just am so tired of it and sometimes I just want to end it all but I know that I never could because my god keeps me from ever even getting close to a thought of actually going through with it.

Can someone help me know what is wrong/??
Thank You

 

[Mike Church]

One Day.

Brother Wolf we all work on that issue.

When I see a guy whos good looking theres also this feeling that comes up in me---like this feeling of inferiority and something else too--i dont know what it is--all i know is that it is quelled when I think that i look as good as the guys I see or that I am as much of a man as that guy I see.

In my case I just knew that they were not damaged goods like I was. Outwardly I was just like them but inside I was a really huge piece of crap. I was no good. I hated myself. I hated what I had done after the abuse. I hated not being able to have the easy cameraderie other guys seemed to have.

And that is why I always felt inferior.

Brother wolf you are ok. Just believe it. You are with the Pack here and we are all ok. Yeh we have our issues and yeh all the other stuff but we are coming to realized that we are just as good as the rest.

AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO

 

[Lloydy]

One Day
so many of us struggle with this problem, and for me a big part of it was the confusion I attached to the desire to have sex with other men. Which I ended up doing when I was 45+ and married.

I confused that desire with the thought that I might actually be gay or bisexual. The realisiation that I wasn't actually attracted to men at all only came with starting therapy and my recovery.
I have never looked at another man and thought that I would like to have sex with them, I've never fancied an individual man in any way.
But I would have sex with a stranger.

The sex was a re-enacment of my abuse, and nothing else. But that's the beauty of hindsight isn't it.
I didn't know it at the time and I was confused beyond belief.

Since I have figured that out, and that sounds as though I can tell you this and you just have to say "ah, THAT'S the reason !" - but this is something we have to work through and apply to our individual situations and circumstances, even if we do have someone tell us. ( I was told this frequently. )
But, since I have figured out MY situation I have lost the desire to act out, and therefore the confusion of my sexuality.

Unfortunately there is a small downside, for me anyway, I have had to become more or less asexual to overcome the acting out. But that is something I'm now working on and sex is becoming a pleasure again, not something dominated by fantasies of acting out and sex with strange men.

While I was doing this I had a very empty feeling for much of the time, something was missing and a void had appeared where my fantasies / acting out once were. And the void gave me time to think, and until I accepted that it was ok to think about 'normal stuff' I was having a battle there as well.

It's a huge part of our lives, think about how much time you spend dwelling on your 'bad stuff' ?
What replaces that when we boot it out ?

I found that it's ok to think about the pretty girls I see as I drive around, what I might have for dinner, why my boss is such an arse.
Sometimes I get all deep and philosophical as well, but then I pass another pretty girl.

Dave

 

[ScottyTodd]

I agree with what the guys are saying! Some of the guys I talk with have also struggled with looking at men in admiring ways. But, as we explore their feelings, we discovered a kind of canabilism...I mean they see in those guys some characteristics, either physical or emotional or mental, etc., that they feel lacking in. They feel inferior in those ways and want to take on cannabilize) the characteristics of those men so they will be more macho, more masculinely built, smarter, more of a man, etc. What we eventually figured out is that we are all ready male and the deficiency was in our minds (stolen by our perp). These guys really weren't gay but felt masculine deficient. Some of the guys could identify when they felt gay they really were feeling deficient...wanted to be more (built, macho, athletic, good looking, etc) like the guys they admired but they did not necessarily want male sex. I hope I explained this plain enough and before anyone says something, I know some people are born gay and are gay while other guys are confused and really are not gay but straight. Before I confuse anybody else...LOL,

Howard