Does anybody else do this?

[greenwizard]

I know, I'm probably being annoying at this point, but something else popped into my head. I am a creative writer. I'm weird as I have always been into fantasy and romance. But I have noticed that since my attack I seem to like to write rape fantasy. I always write from the victim's point of view, and I do a lot of scenarios that are very similar to what happened to me, though sometimes more violent. Then I like to have the character deal with his feelings. I don't know, if I had to guess I'd say in reality it's more like I'm trying to work out my feelings through a fictional character. Does anyone else do this, or am I just really weird?

 

[LinEar]

Greenwizard,

You're not being annoying. I'm not a writer -- although I definitely should commit more to writing -- but that doesn't sound really weird to me. It sounds to me like something perfectly rational. I think you've hit right on what you're doing; it seems as though you're working through the trauma repeatedly, through your writing, in an attempt to gain mastery over it, this time in a "safe" way.

This is something that I've seen myself (and others) do, now that I've become more aware of it. Think about relationships. Oftentimes we feel the most "instant love" or "magnetic" attraction to those who are wounded in ways similar to our own. Or at least that's how it works for me. I've been working hard on my recovery and have learned how to express emotions more appropriately (I'm the type to shutdown, especially emotionally, when overwhelmed). And, looking back (with the help of a great T), I can see that my 2 most intense, torrid relationships were both with women who were significantly younger (in their 20s), looked to me as a combination father figure/partner, and were drawn to the same emotional distance that I exhibited as their fathers had. I'm rambling a bit, but the point is, those partners were unconsciously/subconsciously repeating their own childhood traumas in an attempt to change the outcome "this time" with a new partner/father figure. Of course, that doesn't work long term, and seeking outwardly what can only be found within ends up being a recipe for disaster. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, relationship addiction, whatever.

So that's a long way of saying -- yes, I think it's absolutely normal to place our adult selves in situations similar to our childhood abuse, whether those are "real" situations like relationships, or fantasy situations such as your writing. And writing can certainly be a great way to get some of our feelings "out" of our heads.

 

[traveler]

greenwizard - it is not weird and you are not annoying by asking questions - but don't start apologizing - or it will get annoying! just joking.

I write a lot too. not quite the same as what you described but somewhat similar. I wrote a series of stories that started out being accurate descriptions of what had happened to me - but at a crucial point, I changed the facts to give the victim - me - the upper hand and defeat or humiliate or reverse the situation so that he - that is - I - had the power. It got pretty graphic. To anyone who didn't know what it was, it would have looked like gay porn - but I found it very helpful in reclaiming some of my autonomy.

I also have written about both the sexual abuse situations and other parts of my past - other types of abuse and my dysfunctional family, etc. - in a totally factual way from a number of different perspectives.

and when i was in therapy and dealing with my issues most intensely, i wrote a lot of poetry about it. I used to say i bled metaphors and similes.

i think we all process things in our own individual ways. there may be some things in common - but none of it is weird if it works for you.

lee

 

[i-m-Bri]

greenwizard,
Not only is it not weird, it's brilliant!
I've been struggling to write what I felt when I was assaulted. It's been really hard, and mostly just page after page of ramblings. Could I more accurately tell my story, express my feelings if I fictionalized it? Damn it's worth a shot, Thank you!

 

[greenwizard]

Glad to hear I'm not that weird. I guess it does give me a safe way of exploring things since I'm safe in a computer chair while horrible things are being done to fictional characters.

 

[txb]

I definitely don't think it's weird. (And fantasy and romance are two of the biggest genres in fiction, so if you're weird for liking them then so is everyone else).

I want to be a writer, but I do just write the same thing over and over. Some kid (who is mostly me) is abused, and then they tell someone or fix it, and live sort of happily ever after. At this point i've written 6 full length novels about it, so you'd think I should have worked it out on paper enough by now? I'd like to be published so kids who were being abused could read my books and not feel so alone, or maybe feel hope or feel like they'd be able to tell someone.

I think you should keep writing if you think it helps.

 

[Jer]

I don't think it is weird at all. Seems very therapeutic to me.

 

[sorryson]

greenwizard you are not weird. It took courage to ask the question. I think CSA and rape leave us feeling different. It changes how we think. You are trying to let your abuse out through writing. You are writing from what you felt as a victim. I hope it helps you get through healing.

Paul