Do you think your abuser cared about you?

[LittleSteve]

Uncle Bill only cared about me as a commodity. Sherman on the other hand loved me. I know this because he told me even though on our situation he was forced to hurt me and he did use me for sex, but he did love me. When we were down in the basement and he was supposed to be torturing me, he would put me on the table in the way I was supposed to be so that if uncle Bill came down, I would be in the right spot, but he didn’t actually torture me. I would scream like he was so uncle Bill would think he was doing what he was supposed to be doing and wouldn’t come down to see. We faked it together so he didn’t have to do that. So at a very young age I acquainted love with hurt and pain as well as sex

But I know the love he felt for me was real just like the love I felt for him was real.

 

[nerograves]

I don't know. More just grooming in the end. He kept putting his hand on my back and gave me stuff like snacks and Pokemon cards. I think he listened to me talkd about stuff like anime. But I'm not sure how much of that was genuine care or just grooming. He'd compliment me one moment but then got forceful during the molestation.

Edit: thinking it over after a day., no he didn't.

 

[dcwofhs90]

There was one that was "good" to me in that he was affectionate and gentle.

That was exactly how my abuser was. Actually very affectionate and gentle. I've described him as "sensual" even. And that's why it's confusing for me...why I think he genuinely cared about me. What he did was horribly wrong, but at the same time he provided me what I needed...love and attention...and I soaked it all up.

Sick and fucked up.

 

[kman0300]

I'm sure there'll be answers from one end of the spectrum to the other. My guess is most survivors would say "no"...maybe even emphatically "no". As usual, I'll probably be the different one here because I think my abuser actually did care about me.

Make no mistake, however; I'm not suggesting that he wasn't acting in his own self-interest...at least at first...because he took something (my innocence) from me without asking. But I think he cared about me because of how much time he spent in "preparing" me to accept him each time until I got used to it...the first handful of times. After that, he didn't need to "prepare" me so much. He never really hurt me...well, it hurt but I've always called it a "good hurt;" it hurt but it felt good to me.

My best friend suggested to me once that my abuser was my first love. I'm sure I had some feelings for him, especially considering how many intimate moments we had together over the course of 5 years. I never really thought about it until he suggested it. But I just have to believe that he had some feelings for me, too.

Based on some of my discussions with other survivors here, I know I'm not alone in questioning this. Still, I know I'm in the minority here...or at least I think I am.

I think, in his own perverted, twisted, sociopathic way, he did love me. But it's not the kind of love that's wholesome- it was selfish and abusive and exploitative. Learning to see Ken for who he really was is part of me reconciling the loss of who I thought he was. I realize now that he was never my friend, that it was his plan all along. Sexual abuse is all about power. That's all it was at the end of the day to him. I just feel sorry for him.

 

[Gomers]

The man who raped me had no regard for me whatsoever. He was a sadistic, evil man who I found out later was abusing his son (My best friend). A sick controlling paedophile who saw me as something he could use, break, and throw away.

But the man who groomed me, I genuinely thought, cared for me, even loved me. Like DC said above, he was gentle, took time to prepare me. He would compliment most things about me at a time when I was feeling ugly, worthless, and unlovable. He made me feel special, loved and always ensured I had pleasure.

But, and here's where as an adult looking back, I can see it so clearly, he dropped me, he stopped complimenting me, he stopped having long conversations with me, the hugs ended, the sex became "quickies" with no orgasm for me (He said he didn't have time and I should finish myself off). Then the sex stopped entirely, and I was left with a huge void. Feeling like I had done something wrong, I had upset him, I had caused him to not want me anymore, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get his attention.

In reality, I had outgrown his taste, I was becoming an adult and he didn't want me anymore. So, did he care for me, did he hell, it was all about getting into my underpants and having his way. No thought about me whatsoever, he just wanted to get his sexual pleasure. I actually think he was no different from the man that raped me. Just a different modus operandi.

The problem is, that now, the pleasure I received from him, has less value, which in turn gave me less value in myself and despite chasing that pleasure and connection from others, it has never given the fullfilment I wanted or needed.

 

[AltAppletree]

In my case- yes in some cases. In a few cases, when I was actually older, I don't think that was the case. But my first abuse or inappropriate contact occurred when I was quite young. The more intense sexual abuse occurred when I was 10-16. My stepgrandparents did seem to care for me. They probably rationalized a lot though that what they did was progressive or "sex-positive" to mask that they used a power dynamic to satisfy their own desires.

 

[dcwofhs90]

But, and here's where as an adult looking back, I can see it so clearly, he dropped me, he stopped complimenting me, he stopped having long conversations with me, the hugs ended, the sex became "quickies" with no orgasm for me (He said he didn't have time and I should finish myself off). Then the sex stopped entirely, and I was left with a huge void. Feeling like I had done something wrong, I had upset him, I had caused him to not want me anymore, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get his attention.

My situation changed a bit when I hit puberty. Pre-puberty, he always made sure he gave me 2 orgasms each time we had sex. But after puberty began, 2 orgasms quickly became just 1. Even though he was excited that I could ejaculate, I think he preferred me to be pre-pubertal. I've often thought that he only gave me orgasms to ensure I kept coming back so he could keep fucking me.

 

[Gomers]

My situation changed a bit when I hit puberty. Pre-puberty, he always made sure he gave me 2 orgasms each time we had sex. But after puberty began, 2 orgasms quickly became just 1. Even though he was excited that I could ejaculate, I think he preferred me to be pre-pubertal. I've often thought that he only gave me orgasms to ensure I kept coming back so he could keep fucking me.

I think that too, looking back he was always in control and got what he wanted. I think that he made sure I had orgasms so that 1. I enjoyed it and 2. He could justify what he was doing by the "fact" I enjoyed it.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I think that too, looking back he was always in control and got what he wanted. I think that he made sure I had orgasms so that 1. I enjoyed it and 2. He could justify what he was doing by the "fact" I enjoyed it.

It all makes sense now, doesn't it?

 

[daveHello]

My Dad did care yes, the 'I love you' generally came during sex though or just after he'd ejaculated in me.

 

[dcwofhs90]

just after he'd ejaculated in me.

An amazing feeling I really miss. Again, no one made it feel like my abuser did. Ugh...

 

[Hiding from Myself]

I think I convinced myself that my primary abuser cared about me. Even though I realize it was all a part of his ploy to get me to do what he wanted, & keep returning to him time after time for several years. It hurts too much emotionally to believe he didn't care because I care(d) about him, which still bothers me.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I care(d) about him, which still bothers me.

It never really ever occurred to me that I cared about my abuser. But in the past few months I realized that I did...in fact he was probably my "first love." And considering the age difference, that kinda bothers me.

 

[Hiding from Myself]

I hate admitting it, but I most certainly loved him. I more recently did some digging & discovered that he's since passed away. I still grieved despite having not seen or heard from him in more than 30 years.

 

[daveHello]

An amazing feeling I really miss. Again, no one made it feel like my abuser did. Ugh...

I definitely prefer to be the one ejaculating, in any circumstance

 

[tapdanceguy]

This is gonna sound like I’m defending him or minimizing my experiences of him molesting me. When I was a toddler he & his late wife babysat me a few times but I have no memory of that. I remember that he & his late wife were long time family friends, guess that’s why my parents trusted him so much to take care of me. Can’t remember exactly what age other older guys at school started to bully me, think about 8yo, but kinda like the tides it was worse & not so much during certain times throughout the following years. When I was about 11/12 it was pretty bad that someone on the school staff had witnessed something & my parents were notified. They had a discussion with me & I shared some of what the older guys at school bullying me for. It was then understood that it wasn’t safe for me to walk to & from school on my own, & somehow they had gotten him involved with helping take care of me. Him being the older gentleman that would soon begin molesting me. At that point his wife had passed away a few years before & he was alone in his home a lot. But he had volunteered to take me to school & picked me up from school everyday. So I remember that I did feel that he cared for me very much, even before that he had been a Christian mentor to me so I had already started viewing him very much as a trusted father figure to me. He was very affectionate with me & I felt completely safe in his home & in his care. But I also realize now that he was grooming me to start molesting me pretty soon. But honestly even when he started molesting me, it was never anything violent or horribly traumatic for me, I know it’s such a contradiction to say but it’s as if he was molesting me in such a gentle manner, so much so that even in my teenboy years I didn’t fully understand that he was actually taking advantage of me & covertly molesting me under the guise of him “monitoring” my growing body & development. He never forced me to do anything to him but he was always pretty insistent on making me helplessly orgasm for him. That was always a secret thing about our relationship, most nights when I had to stay overnight with him, he wouldn’t let me go to sleep until he had fondled me to helplessly orgasm for him. Also many mornings he would wake me up a little bit early to play with me like this again before school. I now know it was wrong of him to fondle me so much like this, but I honestly remember feeling like this was a secret male bonding experience between us. I know none of this was my fault but I still struggle with the embarrassment that I didn’t fully understand that he had been molesting me all these years until I was close to my mid 20s. He passed away in ‘08 I think, I was 24 & I remember he had discussed those times when he molested me before that, he was honest with me & admit that he had always found it fascinating to fondle me & sexually stimulate me with his hands & mouth until he made me helplessly orgasm for him. He told me he enjoyed watching me as he was making me helplessly whimper & moan for him as he forced me to helplessly orgasm for him. Even tho what he was admitting to me was pretty awful, I still couldn’t find it in my heart to hate him or anything like that. I accept that him manipulating me & molesting me was wrong but honestly I still don’t hate him. The following is gonna be controversial but I do feel he did care about me & took care of me in several ways, but I see now that he crossed a line when he started molesting me like this. This is all just my personal experience tho & I don’t speak for others & their experiences.

 

[Georgie]

No. My mother hated me and the nun just used me for her pleasure.

 

[Seagull]

I believed at the time that some cared, or at the very least thought of me as an equal. It was a false belief that kept me coming back willingly. But in the end I was only a means to an end for them. Maybe some did convince themselves that they did what they did because they cared, but I think it was only a way to justify their actions.

 

[Jimshort36]

My first abuse came under the age of 4 for me - he was a very old man. I have no idea of his feelings, but he was known (as I later came to know) as a drunk and pervert. In my late teens I 'feel under the spell" of a guy my age who groomed me and manipulated me and gave me the one thing I craved but did not have - belonging. I thought he "loved me," and I was so broken and confused that i had no idea what it really was. He was destructive for me and helped skew my perceptions for the rest of my life.

 

[I don't know my name]

I'm sure there'll be answers from one end of the spectrum to the other. My guess is most survivors would say "no"...maybe even emphatically "no". As usual, I'll probably be the different one here because I think my abuser actually did care about me.

Make no mistake, however; I'm not suggesting that he wasn't acting in his own self-interest...at least at first...because he took something (my innocence) from me without asking. But I think he cared about me because of how much time he spent in "preparing" me to accept him each time until I got used to it...the first handful of times. After that, he didn't need to "prepare" me so much. He never really hurt me...well, it hurt but I've always called it a "good hurt;" it hurt but it felt good to me.

My best friend suggested to me once that my abuser was my first love. I'm sure I had some feelings for him, especially considering how many intimate moments we had together over the course of 5 years. I never really thought about it until he suggested it. But I just have to believe that he had some feelings for me, too.

Based on some of my discussions with other survivors here, I know I'm not alone in questioning this. Still, I know I'm in the minority here...or at least I think I am.

My abuser went to prison, but before he did when I was under 18, he called me his favorite. I never got to turn him in with legal ramifications, outside time limits I guess. He went to prison for what I thought was such a little time. I still think, he called me his favorite. He is out of prison now, and I wonder if he saw, if he would say that to me. Kinda messed up.