Do you ever feel like you've woken from a dream?

Do you ever feel like you've woken from a dream?
L

LupinIII

Registrant
Do you ever feel like you've just woken from a dream and joined your life "in progress?"

Since I have unveiled my memories I have learned a term I never new applied to me before: dissacoiating. I never realized that I cut off parts of myself from myself. I never realized that I had put the plane on auto-pilot and was snoozing in the back.

And now....and now I find myself waking up from my dream...stumbling to the front of the plane and oh my god...I'm a dad .... oh my god I'm married to someone I never would have expected to marry...oh my god I am in a career so against my nature it's not even funny.

I am frantically trying to grab the stick and pull the plane back up from its dive. I am full of anxiety, but I am awake. By the gods I am awake and there is no turning back now. I do not know what to do or how to do it, but I can't turn my back on the knowledge I have.

My mother made me a victim of incest. My dad is a pathological liar and a gambling addict.

They messed up my life.

Now I am the only one who can take it back.

And I am scared my brothers. I don't know if I can do it or who I might hurt in the process. I must protect my kids and at the same time grow myself.

I am a mystery to me....I just know that no matter how hard I try to shut my eyes my dissasociative world has been shattered and now I must try to heal.

I am frightened.

I don't know if I have the strength to do this.
 
I often feel like I am in a dream. I never thought my life would be where it is now. I am just now going to college, trying to get my feet under me. I am not married, no children, no prospects. I am trying to learn to take control, and take my life off autopilot.
Casey
 
lupin,
i'm right there with you. i have dis-associated with my feelings with everyone on and off for years.
i hate it for them, for me, but know i have to get better.
in some senses, it made me stronger -able to be tough, fire people when needed, i had no feelings or at the least numb of feelings.
where i really get whacked out though are my relationships. i don't trust, i shut down, then i wonder what the fuck happened when i wake up.
i stressed bad this week and wondered if i was going to make it. somehow we have to take it in pieces i guess and breath. easy to say but hard to do.i am having to or i would be checking myself in.
we must fix or at least improve ourselves. i am a father, people count on me. i gotta pull through. i can't let my abuser win and fuck me up for the rest of my life.
what a time, what a process, i am with you my friend. i hope it helps to know i am right there, still breathing, and gotta make it tonight and this weekend and next week and so on.
blessings, guy
 
April 20, 2004

That's the date that my silence was broken. I finally stopped drinking about a month before that, but everything was getting worse for me. It was a friend of mine that helped me confront my feelings.

I cried for the first time. I had been dissociating myself for over a year with booze and drugs. My friend or as I like to call her my angel helped to save my life. As the Beatles say, "Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends."

Take it easy,
Fusion

It may sound crazy, but I feel like I'm more and more in touch with my body again. My feelings are allowed to roam free again. It's me that kept them captive for so long because I was afraid of both myself and others.
 
LupinIII,

I used the terms "coming to" or "waking up" almost interchangeably. The milder version is a common daily occurence. More than a year ago, in my first post here, I wrote about one of them.
I had fainting spells when I was a kid, and have had a couple incidents in my adulthood. When I'm coming to, there's a weird disorientation, and my sight and hearing come back slowly. I had that feeling, even though I did not lose conciousness
Click to expand...
In the more intense version, I "wake up" and have to run through the events that brought me here, from childhood to the present. Memory refresh, as it were.

What's that saying? You are not alone.

FWIW,

Joe
 
Lupin, when this really starts happening, you can literally feel it. Lightheadedness, dizzy, things are spinning, actually feel like fainting. It can literally feel like reality is collapsing in on itself. You can cross back and forth between it many times before staying. And at that point, you don't just realize, but you KNOW that your entire life has been a lie, and you are starting fresh, from a starting point that you don't even know where you are, with no real point of reference. So grab the controlls and take a look around at things from a different fresh perspective, and breathe. Breathe the fresh free air my friend. They can never take that back now that you have it.
 
Lupin,

Disasociation is difficult. And we experience it differntly. I am sometimes "not here". I sometimes can feel the switch of my alters from one to the other to deal with a situation.

I have been told to welcome them and tell them I love them. But it is scary sometimes. Because it makes me feel like I am losing it.

But I know that even Al, my defender I call him, only protects. Never strikes out.

The fear is normal. To know that we have splintered is frightening. Knowing there are "others" that live within us.

But they are your helpers. I call them my little guys, even though Al seems to be much older. They have kept us alive. They have made some of us survivors (because not everyone has them).

Welcome them. And learn to ground yourself if you find yourself slipping away. I have a list from my T to halt it. Would be happy to share it with you.

Peace,

Marc
 
Lupin,

Oh, yeah, this happens to me a lot.

I wonder what appened to my frigging life and wake up to the crap I've made of it. I have voices and others and all that wonderful jazz that came with this stuff that was inflicted on me.

But you know what? I'm better for it. Bettre because at long last I have the truth I was hiding from all these years. Yeah, i made some pretty crap choices over my life, and I'M responsible for those, nobody else, but sometimes, the choices were NOT of my own making. They came from the tapes these morons left me.

Sometimes I feel like life's out of control. Hell, all the time now. But I have a CHOICE to get it back. So do you, my brother. You WILL, too. I have faith in you.

You've survived all this shite (as my Irish brothers would say :D ) and you have the strength to get through this as well. If for no other reason than for YOURSELF and to stick these abusers right back in the eye.

I'm here if you need me, Lupin.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Originally posted by SoCal_Marc:

Welcome them. And learn to ground yourself if you find yourself slipping away. I have a list from my T to halt it. Would be happy to share it with you.

Peace,

Marc
Click to expand...
Marc, please share that with everyone here. I know someone who might benefit greatly from it.
Thank you.
 
"WHAT ?"

That was one of my more common responses to people as I gradually realised that they had been talking to me for ages and I'd been on "planet lloydy"

It wasn't that bad there though, it got me through 30 years without doing anything drastic to myself. Even if did mean that I did nothing good for myself either.
It's a defence, a common one, and it goes away as we heal. Where I used to lose days at a time I now lose a few minutes here and there.

Dave
 
It's strange too look in the mirror and not know who I am.

I don't know what's really important to me beyond my kids being alright. I think I want to be a writer, but I just don't know. I think I like the idea of being in business for myself, but once again I don't know. I cannot tell the difference between the parts of me that are true and those that are part of the lie.

Little things have started to come out. I have started to allow myself to get angry at my mother and her parents. I was always frightened of being angry at her. I could do it in superficial ways during a fight, but afterwards the fear and guilt would be tremendous.

I know I am not a "salesman." I hear my manager talk about how she loves that salespeople live for the thrill of the sale. I don't....I do what I have to do right now to support my family..so that my wife can stay home with the kids until they both are in school...but I am nobody's pimp and nobody's stooge. I know that now...I didn't know that before.

On the plus side I can no longer hide behind spending money as a way to fill my soul. Buying a game or a movie just for the hell of it...or dropping a hundred for some f-ed up stripper...it doesn't make anything better. Now that I know that even if I get the urges I am forced to stop and examine my motivations for actions. Do I really want this? Why?

I don't know man...this is all so f-ing hard....I want to say damn her...damn her to hell for doing this to me..but I know she didn't do it because she is a monster...she did it because she is f-ed up...and while I doubt we can ever have a relationship again...her visciousness will never go away...I cannot bring myself to damn her...angry yes...the funny thing is I do blame her for influencing a lot of my negative behaviors until the point I remembered but now it's all me...and shit if I don't take care of business, who will?
 
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