Do we wear this sign of CSA as adults?

Do we wear this sign of CSA as adults?
Q

QSuntVera

New Registrant
I recently had a conversation with a guy who commented on my being overweight as likelihood that I had been abused or molested as a child.

I know a guy at church who is easily 200 lbs overweight, and he is fairly forward about the CSA he endured.

I spoke with a therapist in my 20's about this, and she said there were two aspects:
1. "stuffing" my feelings to avoid feeling them at the time; feelings of mad / hurt / used / alone / sad / horney / confused
2. "insullating" myself with the physical fat barrier to turn off others, to subconsciously ward off potential perps.
We talked at length about how fat is such an effective way of keeping one's self unavailable for sex, certainly a way of keeping unattractive to sex aggressors and suitors.

I want to lose about 50-65 lbs more. I joined WW and have been pretty successful with the first 30. I was stunned when their chart said I had about 100 to lose - I'm a big guy with big frame, and close friends tell my I "carry my weight well".

So: do you think adult fat/overweight/obesity is a sign of CSA?

\\\///
I am 40 and weigh 260 at 6'2". My weight has always been somewhat high, except in late high school and my first year of college. I want to be trim and to look and feel better! When I started WW, I began to write a feelings journal in addition to their suggested food diary, to figure out what feelings I might be trying to avoid. It was powerful!

Last year was a year from hell at my job. I was distracted from planning the year, and without a plan helpless professionally. I received a moderately bad review and wrote a response which helped me reclaim my professionalism and my self!

I am somewhat sure I suffered some abuse when I was 5; while I don't remember any specifics other than smell, I vividly remember a nightmare which quit recurring in my 20's when I started with that T mentioned above.

I suffered active abuse from an older brother in early adolescence for 5 years, and infuriating passive-aggressive abuse (denied but repeated) from my father for 8 years exposing me to inappropriate circumstances, images and events which leave me still obsessively involved with porn and acting out in bookstores. I want this to stop!

Lord, God guys - if you masturbate, do it in private. If you indulge where others can see you, have the humanity to discuss it with them.

I have endured irrational mental and inappropriate discussions from my mother for years. I have spent years with various T's to resolve this. Unfortunately her bipolar personality remains and all I can do is enjoy the 3K miles between me and all of them. I do have coping skills and know how to handle the phone conversations when they start to get weird. I miss not having a "real" mom. Fortunately my mother-in-law is sane. She's a bit dippy, but at least on an even keel.

I'm married but have a crappy sex life with my wife. I (and both of us) want a healthy sex life!

I have begun to get to know my dad as a person, and we are closer now, than we have been in years. I've never told him how much his denial hurt me. Probably another reason I don't live nearby.

I don't have much of a relationship with my brother. I barely know his wife, and don't know my neices at all; they're in high school. They could be anybody's kids... :rolleyes:
 
Dear Q:
When my program began offering group treatment for families involved with sexual abuse 25 years ago, someone remarked that the survivors' group looked like a Weight Watchers meeting.

I agree with your t. I've heard both explanations numerous times and I think the piece about using food as a numbing agent is probably more likely. Aside from the fact that most Americans are overweight to obese (and presumably are not SA survivors), I think there is a growing tendency for folks to eat more ("Supersize that order"), and we tend to eat out more with larger and unhealthier portions.

Take a look at "Defeating the Cycle of Self-defeating Behaviors" that is in the resources here. Pay attention to your food intake when you are in a negative mood. There is probably a correlation.

Ken
 
Anecdotally, I would agree. I think of a close friend who, as a young teenager, was taken to a Weight Watchers, or perhaps O.A., meeting with his pencil-thin mother to "warn" him. Weight, and body image, (not to mention drug and alcohol abuse)have been a big issue for him ever since - through heavy and healthy weights.

As for me, to look at me a case could be made that I am anorexic.

I am underweight. During a recent hospital stay, when I needed to be on a strictly clear liquid diet for a week, I ended up losing muscle mass since there is absolutely no fat. This is pretty scary, to say nothing of uncomfortable. (I need to sit on pillows on what should otherwise be comfortable chairs.)

Long-term AIDS notwithstanding, I have always been tall and thin. I remember eating "as if I had a hollow leg", as my mother joked, during my teens but I just kept growing up - not out. This would have been the period, during the s.a. when I would have been eating "just to stuff".

(I'm now 6'2", 135 lbs, down from my best weight of 170 during my healthy 20's.)

My depression - along with my not being interested in cooking, and living alone - seems to keep me from getting back up to a healthier weight.

Don't want to skewer the statistics, but that's my story ;)

Kenn
 
I'm not badly overweight, but a couple of sizes smaller in my jeans wouldn't hurt!


We talked at length about how fat is such an effective way of keeping one's self unavailable for sex, certainly a way of keeping unattractive to sex aggressors and suitors.
Click to expand...
But whatever tactic we use this seems to be the result we're looking for.
We seem to do all manner of things to remain "unattractive", or do nothing at all and become slobs!
And acting out sexually is much the same I think, we think it's all we're worth.

It isn't! we're worth so much more than that.
So please stick around and see what MS has to offer.

Dave
 
I eat to numb out as well, I'm currently 6'0-6'1 and 253. I end up eating out for lunch everyday because I end up making some excuse on why I can't make my lunch or I don't like it because the mayo looks funny. Theres always some reason.

In addition to the issues of being overweight and the money issues, during a recent blood test I found out that my liver function levels were high and they wanted to check me out for hepatitis and do a abdominal ultrasound. Its very possible that I did damage to my liver because of all of the fast food I eat.

I'm not saying its easy but I'm trying to break these habits and start the recovery process from CSA.

Jason
 
I eat to numb out as well, I'm currently 6'0-6'1 and 253. I end up eating out for lunch everyday because I end up making some excuse on why I can't make my lunch or I don't like it because the mayo looks funny. Theres always some reason.

In addition to the issues of being overweight and the money issues, during a recent blood test I found out that my liver function levels were high and they wanted to check me out for hepatitis and do a abdominal ultrasound. Its very possible that I did damage to my liver because of all of the fast food I eat.

I'm not saying its easy but I'm trying to break these habits and start the recovery process from CSA.

Jason
 
Q,

I think Ken has a point with the meetings that he held looking like WW. I am finding out that a lot of people (though not all) had/have a problem with weight.

I am 6' tall and when the abuse ended, I weighed 123 lbs. Had to gain three pounds to get in the Navy. Then it all went to hell in a handbasket and over the years, I shot up to 365 lbs. I also am on WW and am down to 198 lbs. Sill about 30 to go. But I think it was for the same reasons you mention. Not wanting to appear attractive in any way. And I was successful.

As for acting out sexually, it has been a real struggle. I can't honestly say it is gone, because of a physical condition, I am rather limited right now. But it feels good not to have to deal with the shame of it.

Anyway, as Ken said, please stick around and I think you'll find a lot of support.

Marc
 
Q. Speaking for myself I fluctuated from being grossly overweight to anorexic from the time I was 21 until I was 61. I suffered from Bulimia and Anorexia and doctors told me it was a female thing. I know why I did it. I hid the body tht got me in so much trouble. I was extremely fit as a teenager at 15 . And again when I started to hustle after the abuse until I went on heroin.

Ken Says insulation and I guess he is right. I was hiding. When I was 61 I joined a health club and have gone religionsly every other day. I have also changed how and when and what I eat. I have actually put on 12 pounds but I have taken my body fat content from 25% to 14% (just checked). More importantly it has given me new insight into why I did what I did. I want my body back for me and me alone. It was the only thing that was ever truly mine and it was used and abused.
Hell I am rambling. Sorry :o
 
What a supportive and loving discussion here in this thread! One more reminder to me of why I feel so privileged to be a part of the MS group.

To speak openly about such intensely personal things as our weight, appearance and self perception is something that many people never achieve. Many literally would rather "die" than look deeper than the surface of all this 'how we look on the outside' stuff. And many do. Die.

It seems though that once we are able to find the strength and support to break through the shame and embarassment which silences us, that we feel thrust upon us, we immediately begin to get better. With more time, we begin to FEEL better. Many times whether or not our external conditions have changed or not.

To answer the original question, about wearing our CSA as a sign when we are adults, I would answer "Yes, if we're lucky we do."

These signs, excessive weight, anorexia, depression, acting out behaviors etc. etc. are indications that we have struggled mightily with incredibly difficult circumstances, that of being sexually abused as children, and that we have managed to come up with coping mechanismz that have allowed us to survive to adulthood.

We may feel, as I do, that my coping mechanisma have outlived their usefulness. One of mine was addiction to alcohol. I finally was able to give it up. But it was only after I accepted the fact that I had lost power to control my coping mechanism was I able to put it down.

I have found a lot of forgiveness for myself by realizing that all the things that I did in my alcoholic years was the very best that I could do under the very painful regime of the effects of CSA.

So while I do not flaunt my no inactive alcholism publicly; neither do I hide it in shame. If I hadn't drank all those years, I am sure that I would have killed myself.

Thank God, that I found the way out and the way into recovery. The alcohol only covered up the real ailment which was the sort of spiritual sickness I suffered as a result of being sexually abused.

So the sign I wear, quietly but proudly, says:

"I have survived; I am a man and human being. I am continuing to seek to fulfil myself as best as I know how."

I am making progress in shedding the shame and the guilt that trapped me for so many years in hiding any sign of what had happened to me. As that shame slips away, so does the need for my old coping mechanisms.

Sure I'd like to lose weight, but I love my ice cream too much. Today I know that I am making a choice in whatever I do. I am no longer compelled by the evil forces in my past to act against my own interest.

What a beautiful thing my life is when I see it in the light of love and forgiveness. Of survival and humanity. Of an ongoing effort to thrive and to help others to do the same.

OK, it's a beautiful fall day here in Texas. I think the clear skies and bright sunshine have me intoxicated. Maybe that's why this topic has me so inspired. And I'm sure that is also all you beautiful men on this site.

Thanks, guys, for always inspiring me.

Gratefully,
 
One of the things that caused me to start to confront my past abuse was the fact that I am currently in a weight management program. It is the contention of the staff at the clinic that things like abusive childhood can lead to obesity. While I am not entirely sure I understand how my abusive past leads to my weight problem, they have done this with over 20,000 people over the last 20 years or so, so I figure they probably know more about it than I do! On this program you will lose weight guaranteed. I am on the Optifast program. However, they say that part of the key to keeping it off atfer the diet part is over is resolving things like your ability to deal with past abuse. This is a very hard program to follow, but so far I have lost 47 pounds in the past 7 weeks. I have no intention of going through this again, so have been actively trying to rehash my feelings on the past abuse. Yes, I find it upsetting, but I also feel that it is something that happened, it sucked, but I can't go back and change it. I just need to get over it and move forward. I don't feel the same anger I hear so much about, is this unhealthy? I just don't know. I don't hate anyone. I wish things had been different, but they weren't. Maybe I'm just a fatalist or something.
BT
 
Wow, guys! You collectively ROCK! Many similar stories, but an blasting ray of hope and self love/ self acceptance. Thanks.

Taking the time to read your responses is one thing - it will take a week to digest everything there.

I'm going to continue to read, re-read and digest what you all have said. Thank you for your sincerity.

Question: how do you find a CSA group in a big city? (nothing in the phone book, checked.)

I am working with a T but we cover lots of issues and it is not as good as a particular recovery issues T I had about 12 years ago.
 
I have a problem with weight, but it is losing it, not gaining it.

When I am depressed and anxious, which is almost all the time lately, I would rather do anything other than eat.

I am naturally thin anyway, but in the last year I have lost 20 pounds. In the last two months about 10. I'm forcing myself to eat.
 
I think something that weight, weight gain, weight loss, all of that has in common is control. Maybe we think we are not in control of gaining or losing weight so much. Well, I don't know about most people, but I DO control what I put in my mouth! It is very easy. Open mouth. Insert fork. Repeat!

I have a friend, another survivor, who has struggled with bulimia since he was probably 12 or 13, I'll have to ask. He is someone who probably would not be overweight anyway. But throwing up, that was one thing in his control, at the time.

I have weighed as much as 180. I am 5'8", and now weigh around 150, or within 5 pounds. It did not require as much effort for me, just more discipline in what I ate, because the exercise came natural. But still, even now, about 3 years after losing that weight, I am on the scale every day. It is an obsession. But I figure, if I am more obsessed with the scale then the food, I guess I am getting better! ;)

Good luck with your efforts. I admire you, and everyone else struggling with it.

leosha
 
Yeesh, the weight issue...

I was thin all through childhood, it wasn't till I was 17 that I got work in a Italian restaraunt, I put on 50lbs in one year!

When I first put on that first 50, I didn't mind it all that much, in fact I kind of thought that it made me appear bigger, stronger finally safer. It wasn't till much later did I think it was ok because it would short circut the acting out to a large degree. It did, most guys looking to hook-up don't want "fatties".

Now with acting out not an issue, hasn't been for 7 years, I should really lose it all.

At 37 y/o I'm now 5'8" & 268 lbs, time to do something about it. It's gonna be real hard, I've come to looooooove food.

Thinking back, I used to think that having a sedentary lifestyle & eating when ever you wanted (steaks every day of the week) was kind of a success, imagine that?

Just amazing the kind of conclusions our brains come to without proper nurture & guidance.

~George~
 
Originally posted by Kenn:
As for me, to look at me a case could be made that I am anorexic. snip (I'm now 6'2", 135 lbs, down from my best weight of 170 during my healthy 20's.)

My depression - along with my not being interested in cooking, and living alone - seems to keep me from getting back up to a healthier weight.
Kenn
Click to expand...
Humph, I thought I was underweight when I was at 6'1" 150 lbs. How do you get by man?

I've put on weight over the last few years as I've been doing the cooking and I now have someone to cook for (which seems to make a massive difference :)

OK, sorry, I couldn't resist.

jw
 
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