Do we ever figure “it” out

[Tryingtolive]

Do we ever figure “it” out

When I say it I mean everything that occurred in our lives.
I certainly don’t have it figured out.
Therapy sessions past me and I’m still searching for answers.
The answer is in myself.
But I’m always wanting it from someone else.
Like a person I care about just has the answer for me.
When deep down. In my reality I know they don’t.
They certainly don’t know the secret I hold on to.
The reasons why I’m so insecure.
Attractive man with no relationship.
A man who wants to be by himself most of the time.
Although I’m very funny I use that as a cover to hide my sorrow.
I do very well at living out this facade.
Masculine but very weak.
Confident but a coward.
Everyone sees from the surface.
And all I feel inside is negation.
Living my own lie.
A truth I’ve deceived.
Covered up and tossed out.
An outcast to the world.
A fucked up mind.
Will I ever figure out my purpose.
Many years of this depression and anxiety has aged me.
No acceptance or openness I have from others.
Secrets I shared here and to a therapist.
Makes me even stranger I guess.
Ones that know me don’t really do.
I question my life.
My childhood.
Realize there’s nothing I could of done.
It’s played out like it should of.
Abuse is scary.
A child can’t speak up.
Or a Family would be Torn apart.
But people see no holes.
A perfect family we keep to the eyes.
But Certainly I try to close my own.
Knowing the facts and actions.
I keep my vision blurred.
I’m numb and silent.
But I’m surviving.
With no destination.
It seems as though it’s easy to give up.
I give up on myself.
Cause I know others around me have.
Anger and frustration.
Envy and jealousy
Greed and shame.
Pain and embarrassment.
I feel it all.
I’m a man who tries to fit in.
Please everyone else.
That’s what I’m good at.
My own needs and interest.
Are ignored.
For others I’m just a puppet.
I still fill controlled.
Even though I’m living my own life.
Certain thoughts get brought up.
And I almost break down.
Reminding myself just how terrible of a person Iam.
A sick freak.
Who liked what had happened.
Inside a family who appears to be perfect.
I engulf myself with the shame.
No joy I feel.
Just wondering if I’ll ever figure it out.
People aren’t what they seem to be.
And I sure as hell ain’t.
Everyone has a dark past I take it.
But I envy those who bring it to the light.
Those who prosper.
I feel as though I never will.
If I can’t express who and what Iam.
People think I don’t have a reason to be down.
A confidence destroyed.
A person who can’t love.
A man who’s confused.
A soul lost.
A lie I continue to be.

 

[nltsaved]

All that is missing is the Mic drop !!

Straight fire man it encompasses so much.

 

[Greg56]

All that you say is very true except that...yes, it can be "figured out". We may never know the why...but, by processing the event/s you/we can move forward.

much love
Greg

 

[genedebs]

Tryingtolive

that \what you say is where many of us have come from.

Self blame and shame our best efforts simply remind us we are worthless

Pain embarrassment. fear, caring for others neglecting ourselves
Since we are worthless it makes perfect sense
We may prosper today, but not tomorrow, or perhaps finally prosper after so much loss and bitterness,

I had 20 incredibly productive years, and done little for the last 20 years. I know for me it is not figuring it out, but I do not always have to relive the past. My parents are dead and so with my perps (except one). Moving forward, knowing that This is Now, That was Then.

May you go with GOD

 

[KMCINVA]

Tryingtolive

It is a slow process to come to terms of accepting what happened to us. We also need to accept it was not our fault and as Greg said we may never know the why--why me, why was he driven to hurt a child?

How we come to accept will be different for each of us as to the process and time. For me I have been at it for several years and exploring different healing options am I beginning to feel it was not my fault and not just uttering the words. I am starting to feel I deserve to live and thoughts of dying are fading. We can get there, at least for me it was not easy. I am letting go of the control he had over my life forever and I have let go of those who pushed me to relive the abuse over and over by their words and actions.

I wish there was a magic pill but there is not.

Kevin

 

[Tryingtolive]

Thanks for all the feed back so far

 

[George]

Yes, we can figure it out and finally have inner peace and move on with our lives.

 

[Pollux]

It's very hard to believe after so many years spent thinking I was the only one screwed up (I thought I did it to myself) that I read this and see that there are people just like me. This touched me on a deep level. I hope you don't mind if I copy it and keep it...

 

[Ohio]

There's two sentences in there that really caught my eye.

"A child can't speak up or a family would be torn apart."

I feel guilt for telling my family at a young age. I feel it changed my family forever. Would it of been better to be quiet and search for answers on my own? IDK

"A sick freak who liked what happened."

Your not alone there man. IDK why, but I liked what happened to until I found out it was abuse and it was wrong. Then I didn't like what he did, but at the time, Yes I did like what happened

Very well put though. I agree with everything you said

 

[AndyS87]

"But I’m always wanting it from someone else.
Like a person I care about just has the answer for me.
When deep down. In my reality I know they don’t."

I hear you there, and I wish there was one single answer!

"They certainly don’t know the secret I hold on to.
The reasons why I’m so insecure."
-In my experience, even the ones I've told who DO know what I've been through don't have answers.

"Attractive man with no relationship.
A man who wants to be by himself most of the time.
Although I’m very funny I use that as a cover to hide my sorrow.
I do very well at living out this facade."

- That one resonated with me quite a bit. When somebody breaks your trust the way they did, it makes it so hard to let anybody back in again. I'm currently feeling like I wish I could just spill my guts to people so they'd be like, "Wow, alright, that's some heavy stuff and it explains a lot, and we'll give you whatever kind of space you need".

Abuse is scary.
A child can’t speak up.
Or a Family would be Torn apart.

-I spoke up. What changed is that my cousin was watched a lot more closely at family gatherings. What sucked about that was that he was like an older brother figure to me and one of my only, or so I thought, close friends at the time. What would have helped me be well adjusted after all that was getting therapy, but my family just made sure somebody kept an eye on him and then pretended that nothing ever happened. When I started therapy years back, I told my mother, an LCSW what I was going for. She also survived sexual assault, and her words were something to the effect of, "I went through this too and I didn't let it stop me or ruin my life, why can't you just get over it? Besides, how can I pick sides? He's my nephew". This, from a mental health worker who should CLEARLY know better, even if she had to lie.

I’m a man who tries to fit in.
Please everyone else.
That’s what I’m good at.
My own needs and interest.
Are ignored.
- I'm feeling that, too!


Basically, most of what you wrote is stuff that I have felt at times as well. It's eerie to me that so many of us with these types of experiences end up feeling this way. This place has been a tremendous help for me over the years. The other big help for me was dabbling in mindfulness meditation and buddhism a bit, though I wouldn't prescribe that to others - it's something I think people should try if they're curious, not because it's some sort of magic solution to life's problems that some guy on the internet talked about. It was during a meditation session that I realized all the ACTUAL bullies and people who tormented me had been gone from my life for YEARS, and the only person still beating myself up about all the struggles I'd been through and bringing me down was myself.

I wish you well - please treat yourself with patience and kindness.

 

[Greg56]

In my case, I found it hard to call it abuse. Being a child I was curious. I had never seen pubic hair, never seen/heard of an erection, never seen/heard of masturbation, never seen/heard of ejacutlation.

I was fascinated by it all and eagerly joined in. Being the youngest of 5, I wanted to be like and do things like my older siblings.

I would jerk him off whenever he wanted. I would spread his seman around my genitals (to attain pubic hair). I remember peeing in a coke bottle and shaking it until I thought my arms would fall off...no sign of semen.

He told me that it would help me to grow up (unwittingly that's when I felt the abuse started). He taught me how to do oral sex (which I thought was gross, and was afraid that he would pee in me) and finally he started Fucking me (I say it that way, because that's what he did...Fuck me. I remember screaming in pain and telling him to stop...but he never did...just kept penetrating deeper.

It took me a long time before I recognized all of this as abuse. I always blamed myself...because I readily joined in at the beginning. Then he started blaming me. One sentence that he told me that has always stuck with me was "see what you made me do, now I have to wash again". I'm editing this as I suddenly remember something else he said. "See what you did, you made me get "cream"(that's what he called semen) all over my sheets"

Another thing I just remembered...it must have happened when I was older and getting wise to his tricks. He never pleasured me...he would pretend he had fallen asleep...which I believed for a long time. Anyway, one night I got angry and masturbated myself...when I ejaculated...I got up on my knees and ejaculated on him. It made me feel like I got back at him. I know...too much information.

Sorry about the rough language...feeling a little bitter right now.

much love
Greg