Do people really want to help?

Do people really want to help?
J

josephd

Registrant
Well, another tough weekend has passed. A very very tough one. I did well this weekend, to many people it doesn't seem that way, but I did well. I didn't use drugs, I maintained things well. I stood by my sister when she was down.

I did mess up by not calling my partner to verify that everything was ago and that I wouldn't be home. I realize that. But the reality was that I was with my sister and I was ok.

So, I've been kicked out of the place I was staying... by my cousin. Not really sure why, but I think it's for the best. I don't need half-ass support that's no where to be found when things are tough (even though, in my eyes... nothing really happened.)

I also got a talking to by my partners mom. It was harsh and to the point. I broke down and cried about what I was feeling. I don't think they really cared about the actual feelings I had experienced... they simply cared about what I had done wrong and that I should correct it. Well... what I decided to do was make a list of the things I've done right, and the things I've done wrong. Generally speaking:

Things I've done right:
1) 4 months into my relationship, I found out my partner was pregnant. I left the loft and friends I was staying with, no questions asked. And moved in to help support her.
2) I stayed by my partners side through her pregnancy. I admit, I had moments where I would be elsewhere... but she always knew where I was. I didn't do drugs, I wasn't drinking.
3) I spent pretty much every weekend with her and her family.
4) Saved $10 000 over the course of the pregnancy, in time to buy a new car for baby to be.
5) I did awesome during the delivery. Awesome.
6) I've been a good father, I love my daughter.

Well those are a few things, I think I have done far more right... but those are the things I'm most proud of.

Things I've done wrong:
1) Allowed myself to be raped, over and over for a 10 year period of time.
2) Learned disfunctional things that have stuck with me for years (I'm 26)
3) Did drugs over the past few months to hide the pain I feel.

So, a message to you all who don't believe in me. To those of you who offer your part-time support. To those who are willing to put your love on the line, when the conditions are proper. For those of you who are not willing to stand by me through the worst time of my life. For those of you who don't understand what I'm going through and think that I should change in an instant. For those of you who aren't proud of the changes I've made. For those of you who sabotage me. For those of you who constantly point out my flaws. For those of you who feel stronger by making me weak. For all of you people... please, let me be to live my life. I'm on a road to recovery for myself. I'm on a road to recovery to live a life I should have been offered in the first place.

No more Mr. Nice guy. No more Mr. Insecure, please please validate the way I feel. No more doing things to please others. No more sacrificing my feelings and my hurt... for others. No more ignoring the truth. No more waiting on someone to understand. No more even trying to explain.

I will be whatever you think I am, and I will do nothing... absolutely nothing to prove otherwise, to you. I will, on the other hand, be doing it FOR MYSELF.
 
Jo'

Things I've done wrong:
1) Allowed myself to be raped, over and over for a 10 year period of time.
2) Learned disfunctional things that have stuck with me for years (I'm 26)
3) Did drugs over the past few months to hide the pain I feel.
Click to expand...
You didn't 'allow' yourself to be raped.
Someone, your first abuser probably, planted the idea in your mind that "sex was all you were good for"
That idea stays with us for a very long time, and I once thought like that as well. I "allowed" strangers to have sex with me. Rubbish !!
My abusers might just as well have led me by the hand to the stinking toilets.
Put the blame where it fits Jo.

And do the same for the "disfunctional things" - I drove to the town, got out of the car and walked into the toilet. That was disfuctional to me, as was all the fantasy, no sex life, failing marriage, stress, depression and all the other shite.
But I didn't actually "learn" them, not willingly like I'd learn to drive or cook. I was given that stuff, forced to take it from them. And then I had to carry it until I found a way to dump it.
We "learn" the good stuff as we recover, the shite was forced upon us.

Hiding the pain with drugs, we all hide the pain with something, I acted out. Go to the source of the pain and the mask we use will be easier to deal with.
But don't feel that bad about it, our survival techniques are what got us this far. If I hadn't had the 'release' of acting out I don't like to think too much about the alternatives.


But the "Things I got right" list......
Wonderful stuff, and it comes from your new found strength. Just keep adding to the list.

Dave
 
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
Keep your list of good thing going.
 
JosephD:

Sounds like you're taking care of things pretty darned well, and making that list is a great idea.
Like the guys said keep adding to the good stuff.

As for the "wrong" stuff:

Things I've done wrong:
1) Allowed myself to be raped, over and over for a 10 year period of time.
2) Learned disfunctional things that have stuck with me for years (I'm 26)
3) Did drugs over the past few months to hide the pain I feel.
Click to expand...
  • You didn't allow yourself to be raped. Rape is not consensual. You were sexually abused by someone(s) more powerful than you in some way. But they are not anymore.

    Yes you learned dysfunctional things that have stuck with you. But the only ones wrong for that are the ones who taught you that crap when you were impressionable and forced to learn whatever they shoved at you. But you can unlearn that crap and it sounds like you are.

    Doing drugs the past few months yeah as an adult you are responsible for that and it was wrong. But it was a way of acting out to numb the pain of what was done to you, a means of survival if an unhealthy one. You are making it a "was," putting it in the past tense. That's not wrong, that's good!

"No More Mr. Nice Guy"! One of my favorite survivor songs, man! Right on bro do it for you!

Also as Dave indicates, flush that sh*t!
mixed-smiley-002.gif


Victor
 
Joseph D

You got it right brother wolf
No more Mr. Nice guy. No more Mr. Insecure, please please validate the way I feel. No more doing things to please others. No more sacrificing my feelings and my hurt... for others. No more ignoring the truth. No more waiting on someone to understand. No more even trying to explain.

I will be whatever you think I am, and I will do nothing... absolutely nothing to prove otherwise, to you. I will, on the other hand, be doing it FOR MYSELF.
Click to expand...
The key word there is MYSELF. Anything you do is for you and you alone and if others cannot accept it so be it. You will be who you want to be and no one else.

I LIKE THAT

aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhooooooooooeeeeeeee
 
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