Do I tell him about my hurt?

[lindts]

My bf and I went through a year of hell as he was dealing with the worst of his SA. Since Mar 04 things have increasingly become wonderful to the point of being better than when we first started dating 4 yrs ago. From Dec 03 to Mar 04 he was very hurtful and mean to me. Not abusive or unfaithful but still mean. Now sometimes when I get frustrated or even when I am super happy about us, I can't help but remember how much he hurt me. The two most hurtful times was when he changed the locks on his residence saying he didn't trust me, and when he didn't even contact me on Valentine's day and then I caught him in two lies. One pertained to when he changed the locks (he claims Nov 03 but I know it was Feb 04 when he was being mean), the other lie was when he claimed a co-worker mentioned something (in detail)about us. I NEVER said it and it was such a detailed lie that I know my bf made it up to test me if I was talking about us to others (trust issues). Both of these lies were told just as he was re-emerging from his year of hell. But I can't seem to shake the lies (even though they are petty) and the hurt he caused me. If he lied then, how do I know he won't lie later if he thinks he got away with it. If I confront him, he will feel so incredibly defensive, guilty, and feel very bad that he hurt me. Yet if I don't say anything, I am afraid that I will continue to feel angry, dread going over to his residence (remembering the lock incident), and dwell on knowing he lied. He is a totally different person from what he was during that one year. He tries so hard in our relationship, is still dealing with some SA issues, and I've never seen him so happy as he is now. Sometimes, I'm not even sure how much he remembers about how he treated me during that time. Do I confront him with how he made me feel, or should I keep it inside and figure out how to deal with it?

 

[Lloydy]

Lindts
we aren't easy people to live with, that's a fact.

I know that I have done some bizzare and cruel things in the mistaken belief that I was doing the best thing for me.
I know now that what I did was wrong, I learned from my mistakes and I moved on. I make sure I don't repeat them.

Many of the strange things 'we' do can be attributed to the loss of our framework of trust due to our abuse, we had all sense of trust ripped out of us.
And as much as we love someone, or think we know them, we can also carry on under this nightmare of not trusting. And this applies to trusting ourselves as much as others.

When faced with a slight suspicion, such as my wife being late home, I used to sit there and devise tests to find out the truth!
And that says more about me than her I promise you.

One thing we have both agreed to do is not throw the past in each others faces. ( that would be a very one sided fight anyway )
But it's important to both of us, a committment to move forwards and not stagnate or even worse go backwards.

It's hard, much harder than I'll ever know for sure, but any argument or discussion that includes phrases like "I told you so" and "Yeah, but YOU did...." are never going to achieve anything.

I'm not saying that you would do that, but he might - I don't know. What I'm suggesting is that you should both settle some boundaries between you on how future discussions ( and possible arguments ) should be conducted.
OK, they might not go exactly to plan, but you both have the boundaries to think about.

Dave

 

[SAR]

lindts,

I think Dave's idea about setting boundaries is excellent. I would also suggest that before you do that, you figure out what and why you'd like to tell your boyfriend about how you were hurt by his actions last winter.

Sometimes, I'm not even sure how much he remembers about how he treated me during that time.

What do you want him to remember? If your boyfriend is anything like mine, then he probably DOES remember that he's hurt you, and he might even know what aspects of the relationship still trouble you, but he probably does not remember the words and actions that are still so clear in your head.

I think you should talk to him about what's happened in the past, only when it interferes with how you feel now (not how you felt), and when talking about it serves a purpose beyond just spreading the pain around. There is a certain amount of hurt and anger that you do have to put past you, but if he is even a halfway decent guy, he's got his share too, all the things you worry he'll feel if you confront him, he probably feels already.

I've brought up the past a few times, when I felt that it was best for my boyfriend to understand how my current emotions were being affected by what had happened before. The example that comes to mind is after the death of a relative, when I really took out a lot of anger on my boyfriend and basically didn't give him a chance to be supportive or help me grieve.
Some time before that, when my daughter was just a baby, another relative had died and I had never really felt that I had space or permission to mourn her. My boyfriend was pretty impatient with my sadness, didn't want to talk about it with me, refused to take on any more of the baby care.
My reactions to him after the second death in the family were really more about what had happened the first time. I felt that I owed him some apology and explanation for why I wasn't really letting him be a partner to me, now that he was willing. Basically I said to him just what I've said here, and asked him to step back and let me grieve it-- all of it-- on my own. I think that conversation did both of us good.

Hope that helps,
SAR

 

[MikeNY]

It is obviously something that is bothering you. If it bothers you, then yes, you should do something about it. I will suggest that you try to approach it in a non-confrontational way.

 

[Enchantedlady]

Are you able to see a therapist? Or talk to someone about your feelings? I know I journal alot of what I go through and it really helps me to get it out of my system and let it go. I've talked to my H about how he made me feel but I'm very careful because he tends to then think everything is his fault and that he's no good.

 

[lindts]

I just started journaling last week and it does seem to help quite a bit. Posting this message was a last minute decision but I am so glad that I did. I needed to hear the other perspective as far as what he may be feeling and advice on what I should do. My mother and sister were in bad marriages and I don't want to follow in their footsteps. A part of me was scared that those three months represented him more than the other four years that I've known him. But knowing how dealing with SA can affect the thought process, helps me better understand my bf.