Do I have the RIGHT ?

Do I have the RIGHT ?
M

Muldoon

Registrant
Do I have the RIGHT ?

Lots of new memories coming out these last few weeks since I saw my name on the ballot for board of directors. Shit {SA} that went down over at my grand parents when I was 5 & 6 yo. I walked into the chicken cope and found my Great Uncle A and my older brother doing something I didnt understand. I started asking ?? Great Uncle A came over to me after they finished and started his power trip on me. He put his hand down my pants and told me that some boys are special and they are chosen to help grownup in a loving way. He told me that I could be his special boy next time he came to visit. I felt so bad and dirty when I walk out of there. We never got togeather after that day so he never raped me.

I dont know if my grand parents had any knowledge about it. Great Uncle A died in 1959 when I was 9. Guess I relay want to find out more information about who knew what. Everyone is passed on except my dads younger brother. Uncle B still has all his wits and is very much together so he should be able to answer my questions. However, I have been spending lots of time with my cousin who is Uncle B son. Cousin and me have talked a lot about my other SA. He understands what I have been going through, dealing with this shit.

We started talking about Great Uncle A and we both concluded that our own fathers may have been SEXUALY ABUSED when they where kids by Uncle A. Both of our dads had all kinds of effects so similar to those of us SA victims.

" That expanse so much about the my dad. I guess I can understand now why dad treated me the way he did." My cousin said

S0 this is my ?????????? Do I have the right to question Uncle B about his Uncle, my Great Uncle A and the subject of childhood sexual abuse? I know what I have gone through dealing with this shit and if he was abused to I have the right to blow open his safe little world. Do I have the right to know the TRUTH no matter what? Muldoon / Tom
 
Everyone in my family has died except my mom, who is 86, and is scizophrenic herself, so I really wish I had some one left I could confront for answers. So yes, I for sure would ask the questions while you can, and to hell with caution, shine some light on the dark ugly SA and get it out in the open daylight, so you can have some peace
 
Tom,

I have no contact with the perp any more, and unless I start doing some detective work, I'll probably never know if he's alive or dead. So I don't have any good personal experience to apply here.

But I do remember a quote from a survivor in "Courage to Heal" where she says something like if you have something to say, say it while they're alive because once they're gone you can't tell them the things you didn't say. Maybe if you have something to ask you should ask it while they're alive.

My two cents. See you next week.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Tom,

The man who sexually abused me died last November, and I know now that I will never be able to confront him alive in this world.

In one sense that has been somewhat empowering for me. It is only in the year since he has died that I have been able to move forward to a more complete disclosure at a deeper level of what happened to me at his hands.

With him still alive, it was not easy for me to consider. I don't know if I just got more ready to do it this year or if it's just coincidental that this events are happening in this order.

There's still a part of me that wishes I had the courage to face him while he was alive. He was 84 or 85 when he died, and almost completely deaf from what I understand. I don't know how satisfying that would have been for me.

I guess I'm trying to say that yes, you do have the "right" perhaps even the "responsibility" to do what YOU feel is the right thing to do for you.

It's your pain and your way of dealing with it is up to you. Whatever you choose will be good for you, if your motives are to recover from the effects of sexual abuse and to help others.

From what I've read here at the site, you are indeed a great example of man with the courage to recover and the compassion to help others.

Whatever you decide, you have a lot of support here. And you know what else? We get to change our minds, too.

Thanks for being here, Muldoon. It helps me a lot.

Your brother,
 
Tom:

Whatever you decide to do remember one thing and one thing only. You are doing it for you and you alone. Remember that. There are times in our lives when we have to know no matter what and this may be one of those times for you.

You know you have our support.
 
Tom
I have questions that I would like to ask of people who are still around, but I can't.

And it's just about the hardest thing I have to deal with.

Dave
 
Go ahead and ask, for yourself, if you think it may do you good.

I have some questions for some people that I cannot at this time. For one, I don't think I'm ready. Some questions are for my mother, she was dignosed with cancer two days ago and has surgery next week, on her 67th birthday. Her health in general isn't that good. She suffers for high blood pressure and has extreme anxiety.

My step-dad has always been a good sounding board to filter the material to her in a way she can handle. He is now in poor health and is having surgery next week to get him healthy enough to have another surgery that he needs. He will never be healthy enough for the surgery he really needs.

I don't think that the good I will get from asking the questions I have will justify the problems they may cause to my mother and step-dad. They have been the angels in my life that keep me going. They do not know about my SA.

This is a heavy burden to carry. But, I cannot damage the lives of others, especially those that have been so good to me, just for my couriousities. It would be different if these were people that weren't good and have partaken in these events.

Bill
 
It's a similar thing for me Bill, I'm not sure if my parents knew something about what happened at boarding school.

But they are well into their 80's and my mother has alzheimers. It wouldn't be fair to ask now.

I guess I'll get over it.

Dave
 
Hi everybody

These are such interesting and important questions.

Somehow the telling becomes so complicated, doesnt it? When to say something, how to say itknowing the news is disturbingetc.

I think its important to remember that the news isnt likely to be enormous surprise if one is talking to someone close. People carry their pain in the body and eventually it shapes us and others know something is wrong even if they dont know what. So for people who really care about us, the news may be not be a surprise even if it is terrible. The thing to remember is to be kind to the person with whom one is sharing this tragedy. Even the stories are traumatic, and sharing this trauma takes kindness and time. Those who havent gone through sex abuse cant really have a perspective on it, and the horror of it is so distressing. The look of chagrin they get on their faces can seem scary, but it's not rejection of the speaker...(funny that it should seem to be...) but proper horror at what's been done. Even if people can't deal with it at first, it's nice to know they're just protecting themselves rather than running away.

I remember a friend of asking me once about my relationship with my dad. Im sure he suspected something was really wrong and wanted the truth (or at least thought he did). But when I told him about it (it comes fairly easily now), he retreated and the conversation got very awkward. This is the probable outcome of speaking (it seems to me), but that doesnt make it a bad thing to have spoken. Again, the main thing is to be kind. To tell the story and allow people to take it in as they can. Sometimes in cases where nothing can really be said to right the wrong, theres despair in the room, and the person on the receiving end needs time to come to terms with it. This reaction is not rejection. Its a safety device and needs respecting (at least in my opinion). In the end, though, the sharing can open on understanding, and sometimes those who love us need to be given the truth: knowing the past may help them to care more effectively and fully.

Ive also had incredibly kind friends who responded beautifully to the news. One friend got so angry he started pounding his fist in his other hand. He said: I wish your dad was here in the room right nowId beat him to a pulp. I cant tell you what a great thing it was to have my loathing legitimized.

Ive also been through confrontation with my dad. It was difficult, but I finally just needed to understand the whole thing. After I talked to him, a weight fell from my shoulders. Much of the anger (the really desperate hating anger) faded. I saw him try to deny what had happened, and I also saw that he had so tried to convince himself that it hadnt happened that he almost believed the story. And I saw in his eye his own desperate wish that he could make it all go away.

After that, I realized that my dads drunken actions (he was an alcoholic) had destroyed much of his life. And seeing the pain he was in because of it changed my relationship to my own problems. Not that I felt any less the horror, but I saw how the damage of abuse just spreads and spreads because of silence. Im sure now that he was abused as a child (beaten and derided and assaulted) and that those wounds festered and festered, and that they led to his alcoholism, and that the alcoholism led to the abuse. Sober my dad was a wonderful mansober, none of this would have happened. So the silence that kept him from healing brought on all kinds of pain. Speaking opens doors on secrets, and the fresh air can be amazingly refreshing.

The most important thing for me was realizing that the silence hurts everyone. The pain exists whether we speak or not. And it seems that only in communication does perspective and healing come.

Dont know if my rambling helps, but it seemed germane.

Danny
 
just a brief addition to my last note. I was thinking that we sometimes take in the attitude that we are doing something wrong to people when we share stories of abuse.

In fact it's a generous thing to do, a real opening of the self. Often it is quite literally a kindness to others who may want to help but don't know what's wrong or what to do.

I'm not saying it should be something we just go on and on about (certainly not a good ice breaker at a party! ;) ). But when the time is right, the telling and the confrontation can be enormously healing.

I haven't heard much about the kindness of confrontation, but I think it's real. When I confronted my dad the door was open to understanding. After I spoke to him my feelings changed. I didn't love him, but I pitied him some. He was so sorry, so genuinely desperately sorry. I eventually forgave him (mostly I just got tired of blame). ANd at that point we might have been able to come to terms with one another enough to at least speak when I visited the house to see my mom. It also cleared the air such that we all understood everyone's position. All the anger suddenly made sense. Even though it didn't fix things (not possible), the clarification itself made all the difference.

Danny
 
Thanks guys for all the input on my ???
Joe
say it while they're alive because once they're gone you can't tell them the things you didn't say. Maybe if you have something to ask you should ask it while they're alive.
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What I realy have to know is did my Grandparents know about the evil Grand dads brother did to us. My childhood was filled with many great times at my grandparents but if they where covering for Great Uncle A it would blow me away.

Danny
I guess I'm trying to say that yes, you do have the "right" perhaps even the "responsibility" to do what YOU feel is the right thing to do for you.
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I guess that I am ??????? if it is ok to force my uncle to talk about all this shit.
JAKE
so im in-between, and confused. its your right to know the whole truth, and i think you should ask, but then, looking at it from my experiences last year, if your uncle was abused, its his right to tell when and if he chooses to.
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Jake I do understand that maybe my uncle will not talk about what his uncle did to him. What I need to know is, if my grandparents.dad and uncles knew about the evil that was done to my brother and me.
Bill
This is a heavy burden to carry. But, I cannot damage the lives of others
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That is why I haven't pressed this???? However the more I know I can't understand why we wheren't protected.
Dave
But they are well into their 80's and my mother has alzheimers. It wouldn't be fair to ask now.
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Sorry to hear about your mom,.My uncle is in excellent health so now would be a good time to ask my ????
Danny
The most important thing for me was realizing that the silence hurts everyone. The pain exists whether we speak or not. And it seems that only in communication does perspective and healing come.
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You are so right. silence hurts. AND
when the time is right, the telling and the confrontation can be enormously healing.
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THANKS ALL for your input
Muldoon
 
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