Do I go after the perp?

Do I go after the perp?
A

ARW

Registrant
It's been 28 years since I was abused by a total monster. This guy was doing it regularly, with a lot of kids from what I could gather (we lived together for about six months then met up again when I returned home. I know his mind all too well). Son of a judge, upper-middle class guy. Money and mobility. He'd be about 56 now. No idea where he is. Tho I do have a way of finding out.

I've been in intensely active therapy for a few years and am making major headway. But can I face this? I honestly don't know. The thought makes me feel sick. And yet, what he must be like now I can't imagine so there are undoubtedly kids out there who need saving. And what would I even do? How could I prove anything? And do it in a way that retained my anonymity? Coming forward publically would be damaging for my career as well, unfortunately, just by the nature of what I do. This is a tough one, but it's really nagging at me.

Help? Thoughts?

thanks guys,

Alex
 
Where do you live? In some jurisdictions the statute of limitations will restrict whether you can bring charges against him. In that case, you're stuck with bringing civil action, which is a lot more "personal" than criminal charges, where the police do all the work.
 
You might want to call the District Attorney's office there to see if a statute applies.

I went to the police on my perp after 23 years. In Canada there is no statute of limitations on sex crimes, so I was able to file a criminal complaint.

My decision to go to the cops was not easy, but it was largely spurred on by the thought of other children being at risk. However, I would suggest for you that this is not the main reason why you or anyone else should come forward.

The big problem with victims coming forward is that they expect a lot from the authorities and the system. They know they have been raped, and all that needs to be done is that they need to tell the police and everything will work out.
However, that is not the reality.

In reality, there are hundreds of factors that can affect whether or not your complaint will result in any action being taken against your perp. The police and the courts have limited resources, and adult childhood abuse cases are notoriously difficult to prove. Therefore, the police will need to weigh the strength of your case and their ability to convince a crown attorney (or district attorney in the US) that the case will survive in court before they commit resources to an investigation. So while the police may believe you, your perp may never see the inside of a courtroom if the cops can't get any buy-in from the prosecution. Even if the police do manage to press charges, there is still the trial, and that can go any direction. Finally, even if a conviction is reached, the judge could give a very light sentence.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to be totally comfortable with your reasons for doing this, because there is a very good chance that you will not get the outcome you want if you are looking to punish your perp. In my case, I had two meetings with the police before I even gave my statement, and they made it absolutely clear that it would be very difficult to get my perp convicted.

I will give you the same advice that the detectives gave me. Think very hard about why you want to do this. For me, it turned out that I just wanted to know that people believed me, plus I was worried about the other kids. So, my goal was to get my story to the police. Anything that happened after that was no longer my concern or responsibility, it became the responsibility of the police. I could honestly care less if my perp sees the inside of a jail cell, because it was now a matter for the police and the courts to determine if he is a risk.

So I filed my complaint, and the police went and did their jobs, and I went home happy. The detectives call me every now and then to let me know how things are going, or to get some info, but it is in their hands now. And I am completely at peace with my conscience, because I know that those other kids now have some protectors.

And the one thing that made the whole thing worthwhile? Being told by the head detective on my case that they believed me, and that the rape was not my fault.

Hope this helps

Nobby
 
I think, in the interests of safety for other kids, you should at least report what happened in the past.

He is no doubt carrying on from the past with more kids, and probably pretty good at keeping them quiet by now.

You should not have to carry the guilt of his past with you for life, and it will lift a huge burden.

Telling is not easy, but not telling means you carry on blaming yourself, so look at it from all angles, get in touch with the cops, and see what they are prepared to do, even if you are not prepared to go to Court.

The Court should guarantee your anonymity,

ste
 
Hi Alex,

A couple of points. If you're considering filing a civil suit I think you need to file in the state where the abuse took place and that's the statute of limitations that will apply.

I live in Connecticut and in 2002 the statute of limitations for civil suits was extended to 30 years past the age of majority which for me meant 48 years of age. I filed just a few weeks before that birthday and I filed under my name. You could file as a John Doe with little or no problem if you'd like.

My wife encouraged me to file under my own name because, she said, "You didn't do anything wrong." He was the one who had to explain what he was doing to a pre-pubescent boy.

It's totally your call but I do want to point out that more and more grown men are coming forward, telling what happened to them and being believed. I think the last thing abusers expect is that some day, when the child they abused is now a pissed off adult with a lawyer, they will have to answer for their actions in a setting where the power they held is no longer there.

When that day arrives, the shame, anxiety, embarassment and other baggage that we carried for them is placed squarely at their feet.

There's a professional football player for the Jets, Laverneus Coles (sp) who came forward last year with his story of being abused. A professional hockey player came forward years ago to rip open the situation in the junior hockey program of Canada. Entertainers, musicians, etc. are coming forward.

Do you think the man who abused you is wondering if today's the day he gets that knock at the door?

Mine was just one case where it worked out. Others on this site have had similar results and, unfortunately, there are some stories that didn't turn out as hoped for.

There's a real good article on this site about confrontation. I urge you to take a look and consider the guidance that is offered there.

The point is you now have options. When the SA was happening to you that wasn't the case. Maybe it's time the abuser felt your wrath?

In any event, welcome to MS. I hope you find what you're looking for and if you ever want more information on what the civil process is like, at least in Connecticut, send a PM and I'd be happy to relate my experiences.

Best regards,

Zipser
 
I realised that my sexual abuse was crashing my life in 1993, when I became severely depressed and got a little counseling. At that point, I assumed the perp was dead (he was older when he abused me).

The other night, I googled his name and found out that he died in 1998.

The idea that I could have turned him in or at least kicked the living shit out of him has really been eating at me. I know he abused before me, after me, and during me. They say the average male on male perp abuses around 150 kids in their lifetime. I hate that I did nothing to stop it.

Of course, I haven't given up blaming myself for the initial abuse, so....

I would go after him, but I'm obviously not mentally stable, so I think the advice below to call the local authorities about the statute of limitations is a great idea.

Incidentally, I don't think there should be a statute of limitations on sex crimes, like in Canada.
 
Had an intensely frustrating night, searching the web for the perp - nothing - and using switchboard and people search to try and find him. nothing really there either. like he disappeared. then i google the connection i had to him. He's dead, it appears from a NY times obit. Younger than me, so it's all a bit creepy and elusive.

Next I guess is hire a Private det. I hate all this.

Alex
 
Alex - I had to walk out of court here in the UK knowing that the perv was 'an elderly gentleman answering for indiscretions from long ago'.

Is that too much to ask! Guess my response?

Best wishes .Rik
 
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