Do all guys do this to their younger brothers?

Do all guys do this to their younger brothers?
T

Timothy

Registrant
I am a 26-years old man with a history of sexual abuse. I have never told anyone about it because I am afraid that no one would believe me, or that they would tell me it was my fault for not protecting myself better. I tried to hint at a buddy once but he told me that guys don't ever get sexually abused so I guess that kind of turned me off ever telling anyone, up till now, at least. There were some incidents that happened to me as a boy that I would like to know if they would be classified as sexual abuse. When I was 4-5 years old, my older brother saw these two guys fighting in a television drama. As part of the fight, one guy kicked the other guy's private parts. Somehow, the idea got lodged into my brothers impressionable mind, and I think he started thinking it was okay to hit a guy in his penile area. Subsequently, whenever we played at fighting, he would pretend to kick my private parts, even using the exact same words as the guy on TV. Although my brother never used any force when he was kicking, there was definite physical contact between his feet and my private parts. I didn't think much about it at that time. Later on, I developed some pain in my private parts. I don't know how the pain came about but I was sure it had something to do with his "kickings". My mum found out about it and told my brother to stop the "kickings", which he did. After that, the pain never came back. Years later, my brother developed an interest in television wrestling, and would always incorporate the stunts he sees on TV when we were playing. As I was his only sibling and playmate, he practiced all the stunts on me. I was not a wrestling fan, so I would just submit to whatever he did on me. One stunt in particular which made me excited and uncomfortable at the same time was called the "Figure-four Leg Lock". In this stunt, my brother would take one of my legs, put it beneath his crotch area, then close his legs together to fasten my leg, and then work on my other leg until the two of us would be writhing on the mattress, with our legs tangled together. During the stunt, his feet would be placed precariously close to my crotch, and I always feared that he would kick my private parts by accident, although I don't remember him ever doing so. What he didn't know was that the close physical contact of the stunt and the fear of being accidentally kicked in the crotch always gave me an erection. I never told him about my erections because he would think I was gay. On hindsight, I wondered if the stunt gave my brother an erection too when he was doing it on me. I know my brother loves me and cares a lot about me in his own way, and would never hurt me. But could what he was doing to me then be considered sexual abuse?
The thing that bothers me a lot is this: Do all guys kick the private parts of their younger brothers? I have this feeling that they do, because that's what mine did to me.
 
i think there was likely a sexual component to it for him. i am the older brother, and no i never pretended to kick my brother in the crotch. we did wrestle, and sometimes ended up in very compromising positions. i think more importantly is no matter how innocent it was on his end, is that it was a sexual event in your eyes. that isnt so much saying you can call it abuse for sure, but it could have been a defining moment as you developed sexually. small things, even non-abuse things form our sexuality as we grow.
 
Hiya Timothy,

Im in a family of 5 brothers 19, 16 (me), 14, 12, & 8, & theres a lot of wrestling & tackling & fooling around yeah? Just brother stuff i reckon. But we never kick each other in the privates. In the butt 4 sure :) , but not where it counts.

Kevin
 
My brothers and I faught tooth and nail, but did not kick each other in the groinal area. That does not seem right to me.

Casey
 
I'm sorry your brother did these things to you, but I'm glad you've brought the issue here. In some ways it is similar to my own experience. First, though, let me respond to some specific problems...

QUOTE:
"Although my brother never used any force when he was kicking, there was definite physical contact between his feet and my private parts. I didn't think much about it at that time. Later on, I developed some pain in my private parts. I don't know how the pain came about but I was sure it had something to do with his "kickings". My mum found out about it and told my brother to stop the "kickings", which he did." After that, the pain never came back."


Whether force was used or not, and whether pain was incured or not, it would make me very uncomfortable to have someone pretending to kick me in the groin. That is a sensitive and personal area. If the pain stopped when the kickings did, than there is some kind of connection between the two, but even without pain the behavior seems abusive (I'm not worried about classifying it as sexual abuse right now.)

I've known quite a few big brothers who picked on little brothers, and have never heard of this.

It is interesting that he stopped when your mother told him to. It sounds like he was indeed impressionable and needed someone to set boundaries.

QUOTE: I was not a wrestling fan, so I would just submit to whatever he did on me.

This does not sound consentual to me. Subitting to someone is not the same thing as playing with them.

QUOTE: What he didn't know was that the close physical contact of the stunt and the fear of being accidentally kicked in the crotch always gave me an erection. I never told him about my erections because he would think I was gay.

It sounds to me as if there was fear, physical force, and perhaps some pain involved. (I thought the figure 4 was supposed to be painful, but never had it done to me.)

Erections can be caused by many things, and his feet/ legs may have been stimulating. But thst doesn't mean you asked for it, or that it was right for him to do this to you.

QUOTE: On hindsight, I wondered if the stunt gave my brother an erection too when he was doing it on me.

You may never know, and even if it did, it is difficult to say what that means.


QUOTE :I know my brother loves me and cares a lot about me in his own way, and would never hurt me.

As my T once said to me when I was describing my own brother, "I am sure a lot of good things could be said about your brother, but this is not one of them."


But could what he was doing to me then be considered sexual abuse?

If it comes across to you as sexual abuse, treat it that way. I think that track may be as appropriate as any other. As I said, it sounds abusive to me, and there are clearly sexual questions involved.


QUOTE: The thing that bothers me a lot is this: Do all guys kick the private parts of their younger brothers?

short answere: No, they don't.


NOW FOR MY PART...

My brother was about five years older than me, and he was big for his age. He did this thing where he would pin me down, and tickle my chest with his face. I laughed, but I also jerked and wiggled trying to get away. It was hard to breath. My body bucked under his, so he called this "The Bronco." He would laugh and yell, "Ridem' Bronco," and things like that. I did not like it then. In recent years I have seen it at sexual, although I recognize not everyone would see it that way. What is strange is that neither he nor my other brother remember it. To me it has aways been extremely vivid.

The nipples/chest can be an erotic zone, especially when tickled. I find it odd that a sixteen/ fifteen year old would do this to an 11-year old.

So the questions I have asked are: Do other brothers do this? Was it sexual for me? Was it sexual for him? Is this sexual abuse.

Similar to your questions.

I've come a long way working on this. Other incidents and people were involved, but in some ways each one had to be dealt with on its own as well as in connection with the others.

I think it was a kind of sexual exploration for him, and that he wasn't entirely aware the element was there. His religious convictions now won't allow him to remember it; definitely not in the way I do. He wasn't conscously sexually vicimising me, but from my end, that's exactly what it was.

The first time I tried to confront him was on the phone about a year ago, and what he said was downright creepy:
"I don't remember it at all. But if you want we can try it again, see what it was all about." He laughed.

I guess that's enough now.

I'm o.k., and he and I have had one or two good talks since then (and some bad exchanges).

Keep asking the tough questions, and you'll get through this.
 
I've been following this thread and wondering when someone would step up and say no. We are not talking about abuse here. We are talking about fairly normal adolescent boy play.
That doesn't mean you guys don't have issues with what happened, but try as I may, I can't reconcile what you describe with the definition of abuse.
Getting our "bells rung" and grabbing crotches was part of being in the 7th grade. It was a phase we went through and we were over it by the 8th grade. I had more physical contact playing around with classmates than I ever had with my abuser. There is a difference.
Having an erection when playing with your brother means your body responded to being touched. It doesn't mean you were being abused or having erotic thoughts.
 
Hey guys,

I really want to thank you all for your contributions and advice and sharing. I guess I took it badly because when I got abused again many years down the road, I thought back to the stuff my brother did and "painted him with the same brush", if you know what I mean.

DO write if you need to ask or say anything.

God bless all!!

Timothy
 
Hi LearningToRemember,

I was thinking a little more about what you shared. You story sounds a little like mine, esp. the part when you said that while it wasn't sexual for him, it certainly was for you.

I don't mean to make light of what happened to you but I do believe that he didn't realise the full extent of what he was doing. I believe he meant it to be fun for the both of you but I know he likewise wouldn't have liked it if someone else was doing the tickling to him.

Do remember that you were both very young then. If it were two grown men who are totally unrelated doing what you described, then that would be another matter.

I understand what you said about your brother's creepy reply. I think he may be the sort of person who speaks without thinking first (is he usually like that?). Because of what you had to put up with, it makes you more sensitive when he makes such remarks. (Like when I am in a crowd and a guy accidentally brushes against me, I tend to think that he was trying to force his body against mine) But I like to believe the best about him, in that he was just being callous, rather than being sexual.

Above all, I must commend you on your bravery on confronting your brother about the issue. It takes a lot of courage. For me, I never spoke of what happened, neither to my brother or to my mum. I don't know if they remember or not but it is too frightening for me to try anyway.

God bless!
Timothy
 
Timothy,
I've been away for a while and therefore haven't responded to this post or any others. However, I don't get it. This isn't abuse in my opinion. You owe your brother an apology. His 'creepy' comment was totally in context. Peace, Andrew
 
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