Disturbing Memory

Disturbing Memory
B

Bill_h_pike

Registrant
This memory resurfaced a few days ago. It has really troubled me and caused me to have anger towards a lot of people.

When I was in sixth grade I doodled on the inside cover of one of my textbooks. I didn't make normal doodles. Instead I drew images of the abuse. The images I drew were disgusting. One day my teacher found the doodles in the textbook. Instead reporting what she found to a social worker she just screamed at me for destroying a book. I don't remember exactly what happened but I know my parents found out and I got punished at home. I remember crying myself to sleep for days afterwards.

At the time time I didn't get that my teacher probably didn't make the connection about what my doodles showed. If she had looked at the doodles for a moment longer she might have. It only confirmed my belief that everyone knew and that I was the one to blame.
 
Bill,

I am so sorry this happened to you. Adults were always jumping to negative conclusions about things I did also, confirming to me that I was just a fuck-up not worthy of their time or concern.

I wonder if it's just that they are so wrapped up in their own world of pain that they cannot be attuned to the needs of the child and his cries for help, or that they're simply ignorant of the ways of childhood.

I tried to be more attentive to my own daughter's needs than that, but sometimes I wonder how good a job I actually did.

At any rate, Bill, I can understand your reaction to this memory. You've done the right thing by talking about it here. Another thing you could do is give yourself a little time to get to a place where you can rationally talk to your folks about it and bring it up. That could be a very healing thing to do if you think they are in a place where they can now be supportive of you in this regard.

Lots of love,

John
 
Bill,
You have just brought back a memory that makes so much sense to me now, that it creeps me out and again, makes me wonder, in 20/20 hindsight, how people could have missed the signs.
I too, drew pictures of my abuse, which ended at 6 1/2 but in 3rd grade I was still drawing pictures of penises - incredibly detailed - Pictures of the various things done to me, pictures of naked men. I even gave one of them to my male teacher - anonymously. It gives me the creeps now to remember it. Thanks, I guess, for the memory awakening and the scary connection...damn. I was one screwed up kid trying to make sense of what had happened.
Paul
 
Bill,

what seems obvious to you and me, is totally the opposite to others around you.
The teacher did not have the skill to see what was in the doodles, she took it the wrong way.

Its pretty steep to be punished for something you didnt do, and I can understand your needing to cry about it.

That teacher should have been more professional, but just went over the top and hurt your feelings.
Did you ever notice that all teachers are different and something tells you who to instinctively trust!

I can remember just how hurt I was at that age, when teachers picked on me in front of others and mocked me.

Why they cannot train teachers to spot this sort of thing is beyond me in this age.
They should be aware of the damage they can do to little kids with this type of mental torture.

Hope you are OK after talking about it, it helps,

ste
 
Bill,

I think that kind of thing happens a lot with abused boys. You were basically calling out for help. I just wish to God someone had figured it out.

What we can see here is the desperate need for teachers to have more training to recognize these signs for what they are. You needed to be supported and helped, NOT punished.

Much love,
Larry
 
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