Dissociative Identity Phenomenon Deliberatily Created For The Sake Of Abuse

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Wolfg

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The first time I was gang raped by my legal father, brother and others I was 10 years old. It happened in a little town in Austria called Haid-Ansfelden in my parent's bedroom and carried on into our living room. My mother held me down while the men sodomized me. Then, I was forced to participate in unwanted sexual acts. At the time, I hadn't even been interested in sex yet. My mother and sister groomed me with friendly words telling me what to do. As well, I was told I would be raped again, if I wouldn't comply. I was raped again anyway, over and over again. Thus, I was groomed and violently forced at the same time. And, I dissociated the event. Other violent gang rapes followed. I am 50 years of age now.

The abuse built on emotional neglect starting as a toddler. I was a late speaker, and my family developed the idea that I was mentally disabled and schizophrenic when I was 3. Among all the family members, I am the one with the highest IQ and I work in science now. And, I never actually did develop a psychotic history or anything of that sort. In truth, my sister who was 17 at the time hated me - the late coming second son - as my legal father kept telling her (literally) that boys are of higher value than girls. And, she had met my biological father. (I was the only child out of wedlock in our legal nucleus family.) My sister and my biological father then convinced my mother that I would be destined for this as the mentally disabled schizophrenic person I was. Shortly after the first gang rape though, a specific event took place which taught my sister that in spite of the abuse she was still of lower value to my parents as a girl. And, upon this experience she had to be committed to the psychiatric clinic for the first time. Unlike me, she did develop a psychotic history and eventually committed suicide about 14 years later. Around the same time, my father murdered my mother in order to save money.

But, what was it I allegedly was destined for? Today, I know for a fact that the abusers deliberately created a dissociative personality phenomenon in me for the mere sake of ongoing sexual abuse. It meant that a part of me which in fact always remained a child would comply with those unwanted sexual acts I was trained to perform as a 10 year old, while the rest of me knew nothing about it afterwards. I also know that my biological father urged my mother to organize that first gang rape before I would develop an interest in sex, because otherwise the whole plan wouldn't work. And, so it did work and it carried on into teenage and adult years. The abusers had claimed it was a disability long before they themselves had created it. And, I am certain it can be created with just about anybody. Over the years, I attracted a lot of abusive people who knew how to trigger my dissociative personality phenomenon and even stalked me for it. I also met other men who had gone through the exact same thing. However, I have not seen this kind of abuse thematized anywhere, neither in the literature nor with advocacy groups nor with campaigns to end sexual violence.

Finally, as I was able to go back to the very beginning of it, even to my earliest memories, it felt like regaining my heart, something like a core of myself - that place where you are in touch with your impulses and know who you are and what you want. (That part of me had drowned amidst all the violence.) And, as a result the dissociative identity disorder (DID) phenomenon disappeared. Today, that "other personality" created merely for the sake of sexual abuse cannot be triggered any more.

I think the details of my story could be quite an asset to researchers of sexual violence who so far have failed to even document this kind of sexual abuse. And, it is my hope that I will be able to add my share to end the normalcy of sexual violence on this planet forever.
 
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