dissociation without disorder?

dissociation without disorder?
D

dibargib

Registrant
I'm pretty sure I dissociate a lot. Not in a way that causes me to lose time, or forget where I am, but in a way that sinks me into my inner world, making it impossible to synthesize the information around me. Somebody may be talking to me, but I can't make sense of their words. I may be listening to music, but I can't summon any reaction to it. I may read something, and have no idea what it says.

Almost every resource I've found is based on Dissociative Identity (multiple personality) Disorder. It doesn't go that far for me, and while it (meaning dissociation, zoning out, whatever) doesn't preclude me from having a functional life, I think it does preculde me from having a happy life.

I found this website: https://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/present.html

that seems to address what I'm talking about - but it's all that I've found. Has anybody else grappled with this? Once again, I'm not really talking about out-and-out Dissociative disorder, but a level of dissociation that leaves a person feeling out of touch with his senses and feelings.

-John
 
John,

This is something I think a lot of us deal with. I know exactly what you are referring to. I have done this many times. It is a defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves. By doing this we basically numb the feelings. We learned to do this because that was the only way to deal with the abuse. As adults as we recover it is important for our own healing that we begin to not use this. It is important that we be aware of our feelings so we can process them and heal.

To not do this is a difficult task and takes time and practice. But when you notice you have done this, try really hard to bring all your attention back to what you are doing at that moment and just ask yourself what triggered this defense this time. When you identify the triggers and become aware of them and how you feel you give them less power and you move forward in healing.

If you want some assistance with this there is a great book that I read one time called the Power of Now, by Eckhart Tole ( i think i spelled that right). Anyway he uses a different term and just calls it unconcious behavior or living. It is the same thing just called different. He gives some good techniquest in the book that may help you.

Take care bud.
 
I read the Power of Now a couple years ago, and it was helpful. It sort of put me into this blissful, connected state, which was helpful, until, actually, come to think of it, until my mother got really frustrated with me for my "high-handed" attitude toward her :-p.

I have a tendency to talk in abstraction (i.e. - I read about this, has this ever happened to anybody?, that sort of thing), because it's hard for me to access what's really going on in a real way. I'll write something, and it won't seem right, like it's being filtered or something. I'll tell somebody something about what's going on with me, and my tone of voice and calmness while i'm saying it doesn't match at all my inner state on the issue before I said it.

I was crying my eyes out earlier today about my gf and I coming very close to breaking up, and now being in a very precarious position, and then when I actually told my friend about it today, I was very calm, almost antiseptic. It's frustrating. I want to at least feel like I'm having to fend off these strong feelings, to choke them back, rather than just not feel them at all. I know they're there, I just can't access them.

Which is scary to me. What else am I not accessing? What do I not see? I remember one time when my mother was inappropriate with me. Were there other times? If it was just this one time, and it wasn't such a BIG deal, then why do I feel so drawn to this board? Why do I feel like I relate, to a large extent, to what's being said? Do I really feel it or do I want to feel it? Am I so desperate to find a name or classification for what's going on with me that I'm trying to say to myself, well, THIS must be it.

On the other hand, what if there WERE more times, and I just don't remember them. If that's the case, then they're so driven back into some dark corner of my mind as to be nigh-on inaccessible, and if they come out it will be explosive.

But I don't KNOW.

And right now I'm angry... I think... Just angry at fate in general. I never did anything to a god-damned soul. I've always tried to live in a way that treated people with kindness and increased the general welfare of the world. I haven't always succeeded, but I've tried my best. WHY should I have to deal with this? Why not the people who kick puppies? Why not the executives who take million-dollar salaries, simultaneously laying off thousands of workers? Why not them? Why am I the fucked up one?

So, a motley bunch of things going on. I will now shake my fist wildly at the heavens.

-John
 
i totally get what youre talking aobut. i get like that too, usually when i have flashbacks. i can be in a room full of people but suddenly everything starts to seem hollow and far away, like its all fading and im going to pass out, but i dont. my hands even get tingly sometimes and i feel like im shrinking. its the scariest feeling. although dissociating doesnt mean you have other personalities at all. its just a normal reaction to terribly abnormal circumstances. but that doesnt make it any less crappy
 
Originally posted by dibargib:
I'll write something, and it won't seem right, like it's being filtered or something. I'll tell somebody something about what's going on with me, and my tone of voice and calmness while i'm saying it doesn't match at all my inner state on the issue before I said it.

I was crying my eyes out earlier today about my gf and I coming very close to breaking up, and now being in a very precarious position, and then when I actually told my friend about it today, I was very calm, almost antiseptic. It's frustrating. I want to at least feel like I'm having to fend off these strong feelings, to choke them back, rather than just not feel them at all. I know they're there, I just can't access them.-John
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Originally posted by pUpPy:
i totally get what youre talking about. i get like that too, usually when i have flashbacks. i can be in a room full of people but suddenly everything starts to seem hollow and far away, like its all fading and im going to pass out, but i dont. my hands even get tingly sometimes and i feel like im shrinking. its the scariest feeling.
Click to expand...
And yet again, I see myself in others' words.

So much of what John and pUpPy said sounds like me at various points in my life. I don't even know where to begin with this one.
 
John,

I dissociate, and my MD does not have an answer.

The trouble is, it can happen at anytime.
I can talk to someone, and then just lose it.
It can cause so many problems, but I guess, that I have learned to live with a lot of them.

There are levels of dissociation, from very mild de ja vu, experiences, to panic attacks, and feeling that surroundings are unreal.

The latter is one of my worst, like life is not real somedays, but I never know when it is going to hit me, and people mock me for what they see.

MPD, is generally associated with childhood trauma, where the child suffered either years of abuse, or the untreated symptoms of some life changing event, that was totally out of logical control of the child.

In me, it causes mood swings that are really not me, but caused by MPD.

It is pretty curable if you find the right treatment, which is what I am trying to find right now.

I will have a look on that site,

ste
 
And right now I'm angry... I think... Just angry at fate in general. I never did anything to a god-damned soul. I've always tried to live in a way that treated people with kindness and increased the general welfare of the world. I haven't always succeeded, but I've tried my best. WHY should I have to deal with this?
Click to expand...
We do have to deal with it John, because it is masked out, and nobody knows it is happening except you.

DID, if not treated, can make you a lone wolf in your community, and odd person, who acts differently every time you meet someone.

My family cant deal with it, and say that outwardly there is nothing wrong with me.

I never hurt anyone in the world either, and never would unless they threaten my world, then they see a side of me, that they dont want to meet.

Dissociation to me, is like the little boy crying out for affection, in a world that sadly cannot see his hurt, they dont care, and certainly cannot be sympathetic to it.

I hope you can find the answers,

ste
 
After reading this site, it brought up some things in me.

The main one, is that I dont want to be ste no more, he is the one who caused me so much trouble.

He is so scared inside of me, sometimes, it is unreal, but I cannot help him out.

He wakes me up, thru the night at three am, because he cannot sleep, and it is a throw back from childhood, where he could not sleep till dawn, I guess.

He is not so happy in his body, nor his mind right now, but he always got there somehow, so maybe he will just get me thru.

I dont know whether I got ste thru, or ste got me thru.

He is still a f*cked up kid inside, just a rant, vent, whatever,

ste
 
I think the answer is you got each other through, and you'll continue to do that.

I was thinking more about this and the ways dissociation comes into play in my life.

I might have a slightly different form than any mentioned here, though. I have the ability to focus on one thing so completely that I literally become unaware of what's happening around me. The unfortunate part of this is that it's usually not anything anyone else would consider productive, such as reading a SciFi/Fantasy novel or playing a computer game... more of an escape mechanism.

I also tend to withdraw, and even more so when I'm feeling stressed or angry or afraid... and there's been a lot of fear of late - but that's a topic for a different post.
 
There are other dissociative disorders besides MPD, but dissociation is also a major part of trauma. I can relate to how you dissociate through extreme focus. When I was being abused, I focused extremely hard on the orange colored walls of my childhood bedroom to escape from what was happening. This helped me then but hurts me now as I still do it. In another memory I see what is happening to me from a distance. Just today I had a similar out of body dissociation and it scares me to the point that i don't know if i should call my therapist or a doctor. I also think completely numbing out is a form of discociation because it takes you out of the present situation. The best thing I do in all of these situations is try and figure out what is causing me to dissociate. Normally it is a fairly minor pain, embarrasment, or discomfort, but my defenses kick in as if i were being reabused. If I figure it out and embrace it with my heart then I can normally find and associate with reality. Needless to say, all of this royally sucks to be dealing with, and I hope you have or find a therapist that understands dissociation.
 
I'm going to bring it up with my T when I see her next week - I've been going to her for a year and I think I've only realized recently what a problem this is... which is in a way making me wonder if it's as much of a problem as I'm thinking it is. confused..........

-John
 
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