dissociation: insights? experience?

[theo]

hello guys,
i don't think the following would be triggering but proceed with caution if needed.

when the memories started for me last november there were many episodes of dissociation of many types. the first was when the memories first started happening in a therapy session. my therapist suggested i imagine a light switch little theo could not reach but that i the adult, could. the intent was to get me in touch with little theo in a positive way. the result was a flashback to when my stepdad cornered me in my bed in the dark at age 4. needless to say the terror was profound. since that fateful session i have had many nightmares where i have not been totally asleep, but mentally exhausted and i would start "hearing the radio". this has been the cue for me because i have a hearing disability that precludes my clearly hearing and understanding lyrics, but when the "radio" is on i hear every word. the music gets louder as the memory reaches its pivotal moment, silence, then it begins again. i have had normal nightmares in the past, but not waking ones where i am conscious but paralyzed with terror, and i mean that literally. i had to wonder if these were just dreams, but then i would recall the radio playing and the body memories that would sometimes be invoked. one incident had me in one of those waking nightmares where i was paralyzed from the terror, the increasing volume of the radio, and the increasing weight of a very large body that had me pinned against the wall when i was 4 or 5. i believe these are not figments of the past year because i have had dissociative episodes in the near and distant past with similar results except for the terror. these would always happen only when i was mentally and physically exhausted or when faced with an overwhelming emotional issue.

the problem i have is this, in one way my recovery is at a standstill because i am scared of this happening again, the dissociation. it is the loss of control and loss of perception that scare me so badly. i have had other episodes that were more borderline in the respect that i would drop into an altered state, but not have recall of the past, typically when i have been emotionally drained by some event of the day. those were the times i wanted to leave, but i could not. i still remember the last time this happened three months ago when lady theo found out about the porn surfing. we had talked for several hours and it was still highly charged. i felt so bad i just wanted to leave. she tried to keep me grounded for awhile, but i just kept dropping off. finally she let me go while she was holding me...but i couldn't go "there" anymore. does this make sense? i tried so hard to go away to wherever little theo went to be safe, but i could no longer go there. it took me awhile to become fully grounded again. by then i was just emotionally and physically exhausted. since then, i have just been kind of spinning my wheels feeling kind of lost in that respect. this is where i am right now. i am terrified i will dissociate as i have in the past year and lose sight of the present and lose control, but i am also grieving over the loss of that safe place i can no longer go to. any insights? take care.

 

[fhorns]

sending you a private message.
fhorns

 

[fhorns]

Jacob,
I read your post, and damn it, I know it's true. It used to be safe and predictable. In fact, I was just released by my therapist since she said I had moved through a lot of "me" issues with her. She said my best time spent would be with others - group work.

When I left her office that day, I was in a funk the rest of the day and the one after. I know I've grown, that feels good, but damn, what happens now? I posted in "Off Topic" about one area of my life where my mental hide-outs don't work well anymore, and I'm in a limbo. Thanks for posting.

 

[Mike Church]

The best I can suggest, not being a therapist but a healing survivor, is to stay here are deal with the issues one by one. You will find that others have or have had the same problems and describe their feelings and techniques to overcome. The important thing to remember is that MS is for all of us to grow in ourselves.

 

[fhorns]

Thanks a lot Mike. I am finding that true. I am willing to open up a little more, and I am relieved at the insight and understanding many guys have...about MY problems. I will return.

 

[Leosha]

Theo,

I understand the fear and worry you have. I am just now discovering the extent of my disocciation, and realizing that it is apparantly something that has been happening for most of my life. It explains much to me, and makes sense of all those lost 'patches' or pockets of time over years.It terrifies me also, though, because yes, it is not in control. If I fall into panic, or pain, or fear, sometime I 'become' another, sometime I don't, and there does not seem to be so much a reason behind it. I just bring it up first time at my therapist yesterday, was so afraid she would think me bad, or freakish, someone who is beyond her help. She just said 'Yes, I know', and we talked more of it. She help me calm more of it, and be more accepting of it. Because, as she say, these 'others' of me, they are part of me, they ARE me, and nothing to be afraid of. It would be like being afraid of myself (something I do sometime). But it is something that can be dealt of, and at some time, healed of.

I hope that you have someone kind and decent as therapy person to talk with of this. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. To disocciate, it does not make you less a person. It just means your thoughts and memories are more divided.

Please take good care of yourself.

leosha

 

[outis]

Theo,

This is good advice:

I hope that you have someone kind and decent as therapy person to talk with of this. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. To disocciate, it does not make you less a person. It just means your thoughts and memories are more divided.

Please take good care of yourself.

Yesterday I asked my T if she was looking for DID, and she told me that she is. I will do more testing in the next session. I told her I was afraid to find inaccurate information online, and she explained a lot about DID. I had difficulty "staying" in the office during our discussion, and a very "interesting" evening after I left.

But I want to get better, and live my life. So I'll keep working and try to remember to take good care of myself, too.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[theo]

to everyone who answered,
i want to thank each of you for your responses and support. i have gotten way behind on my correspondence this week and am playing catch up. i did not have time to really think and meditate and all the thoughts presented but i will this weekend. i know the real problem i have with this issue is the fear of losing it. i really do not believe did is an issue for me personally, but the dissociation is profound and scares the bejeezus out of me. thanks again for the support and i will respond more fully to each. do take care.