dissociation again and again

dissociation again and again
K

Kid A

Registrant
I dissociate all the time. Recently everything I've been thinking about and writing about here falls within dissociation. Habbits, distractions, obsessions and compulsions are all ways to flee from myself. I realized that I did this once before, and that realization was huge in my recovery, but then I forgot about it and lost my awareness of when, where, and how I was dissociating. The best advice my T has is to keep one foot in and one foot out. Its similar to some of the advice I've heard in posts here such as not fighting distractions but just observing what they are trying to say or hide you from. I am writing this down because I feel like dissociation by nature wants me to forget about it so it can continue to live as I wander the world one step out of time, disengaged from the present moment. Sometimes dissociation leads me to great places and interersting thoughts, but it is kind of heartless. Its like my brain is pulling completeley and my center becomes absent. I've had moments during recovery where dissociation is gone, and this feeling itself makes it all worthwhile. When dissociation is gone I can feel. Granted feeling isn't always pleasant, but I think its vital not only to work through sexual abuse recovery but to live fully in the present without coninuously reexperiencing the fear of the past. Thanks for all of your posts which make me remember where I've been, where I still have to go, and most importantly- where I am.
 
Kid A,

I think it's really important to bear a few things in mind about dissociation. I say this because I have had this problem (much less now than previously) and at first I found it very frightening and intimidating, even shaming.

Everyone dissociates to some extent. We all know people who drift away in the middle of a conversation, seem absent-minded, and so on. At the other end of the spectrum are examples where someone under repeated intense emotional pressure seeks protection and safety by creating different personas for himself and maintaining them for future difficulties.

I am not sure about this, but so far as I know an abused boy will often dissociate during abuse episodes. He is terified, confused and ashamed, yet has almost no resources he can use to defend himself. So he uses his imagination. In my case, I would focus on something on the wall - usually a picture - and then "go" to the picture, "enter" it, and from there "go" to a corner of the ceiling and curl up in a ball there. That way I could pretend that what was happening in the room wasn't happening to me; I couldn't even "see" it, since I was curled up in a ball with my back to the rest of the room.

What helps me now is to see this in a positive way. This was one tool that I used in order to survive, and remembering it helps me to understand how helpless and innocent I was - I really was just a kid.

The issue is, as you say, that now as an adult dissociation distracts me from the task of healing. I still do it, but mainly just in my T's office: I stare out the window at a large tree and feel tempted to "go" to the tree to hide. That's Little Larry telling me he doesn't like where the discussion with the T is going.

There are various ways to ground ourselves and limit the dissociation, and one is to avoid situations where we will feel unsafe. But of course we can't always do that, and ultimately healing has to do with getting out in the world and refusing to allow our abuse memories to tell us that the world everywhere is a perilous place.

My T and I discussed this, and she stressed to me that I should develop a way to ground myself that is good for me. One thing I do when I feel unsafe is to tell myself that the bad times are over and that I am safe now. I am also part native American, and my sister made me a tribal amulet (Cree); traditionally it's to keep away evil spirits, but she made it as a token of love and support. I wear it all the time, and when things that might make me dissociate seem to be arising I press my hand to it and, again, tell myself I am safe. The amulet reminds me of the support I am receiving from my family, and that helps to calm me down.

Whatever works ought to be okay, but I would tell your T about whatever you decide on.

I'd like to stress something I already said. So often we can cope with frightening things by simply changing how we look at them. If I think that dissociating means I am freaking out and going nuts, that will make me all the more fearful and likely to dissociate.

But what if I can see it as an important tool that I used when I was a kid and that Little Larry still resorts to when he feels unsafe? It's a tool that I need to assure him gently about, and tell him we don't need this anymore.

Above all, we should not blame ourselves for this. Dissociation shows how horrific a crime it was that was being committed against that innocent defenseless kid years ago.

Much love,
Larry
 
Every question comes with its own answer, just every anamoly comes along with its own unique solution because it has been created in the first place to make us aware of it in the first place.

Like every disease in the physical is a symptom of a dis-ease in the non physical. SO if we care to look within keenly we would find answers to all our problems.
That is the nature of duality in life, that darkness always co-exists with the light, otherwise we would never become aware of the light. And when we want to become aware of the light, we first have to become aware of the darkness within.

Only those who dare to look beyond the familiar of opposites find the answers and exit paths to the truth that lies beyond the realm of duality and opposite,Oneness is a singular truth that we all find thru our own pathways, and as they say the answers always lies within.

This brings me to the issue of Dissociation, it cannot exist without its flip side extreme association existing somewhere within. We need to watch out for it, become aware where are we plugging in unnecessarily to plug out from the necessary.

Once we are able to find, we regain our balance, equlibrium once again. And when you plug in to something else than life you plug out. So be aware and plug out.

When we start associating with something intensely we start thinking of ourselves to be that, we start thinking like that and start living vicariously we become that which we might not be at all, are you doing that somewhere?

Do you think yourself to be what you are not, something that keeps you stuck in your past, or keeps you feeling that you are not healed, YET?

Beleive me we all go thru it at all times, when we forget to plug out from the circuitry we were plugged into previously. Do that consciously now, by plugging into the new, consciously and engaging with your new life and with the new energies that life brings into you constantly, become aware. Plus enjoy your moments of stillness and momentarily pleasures with gretaer fervour so that they soon take over your life.

Mindfulness is the best way to allow the new to set in, as it keeps us grounded into the present, because otherwise we would find it easy to fly away along with our thoughts, instead it keeps us aware, plugged-in into our feelings.

It is essential that for the mind to heal we plugging in, into our heart.

By itself the mind cannot do anything except build vague concepts in air and theories that take us no where except keep us trapped in the past experiences, that way it has limited usage, because it does not have the capability to think of anything new, its can only process old memories, and the information present to it and form new associations and linkages but it creates something new and worthwhile thru it.

The fact is that mind cannot be creative. The Creator sits in our heart and not the mind, so how can we expect our mind to create a new life for us?

It is the heart that creates the new, when we think we 'thought' of it. ourselves.

The heart can provide us with the largest possible vision for our life, if we are willing to let go of the mind created reality and plug into it and allow it to show us the greater possibilities of our life.

Mind tries to remain comfortable by remaining stuck in the familiar, no matter how uncomfortable it might be for the soul, so our breakthrough moment is when during our recovery journey we plug-in into our heart, no doubt it takes courage as we are about to venture into the unknown and claim our new life, but soon we realise that it was all worth it. As no matter how charming our old life might have seem, when it is destroyed, it always about to be replaced by something bigger and better than we have always imagine, it is a dream that is about to come true, so we just have to sit still and allow it to come true. In the present moment we connect to that dream and the more we can stay in the present the strongly the future can move towards us.

We need to be willing to create space for the new in our life before it can move in, remove the old furniture so that the new stuff can fit in.

SO lets STEP OUT of the old and PLUG IN the new YOU!
 
I have been thinking about disassociation and lately many things have come to the fore, first my need to be someone else was behind my need to dissociate, since I couldn't handle myself or life I did decided to opt out.

I dissassociated from my true self and became this survivor persnality, someone who needed to be up on guard at all times someone who had to fight the good fight to protect myself, and be on the look out,even though I was changing.

So once my recovery is over, as in once I have healed my past, my challenge is to recover my original persinality of relaxed, balanced and a peaceful human being, what I was as a child.

For that I have constantly remind myself of the essential nature of the universe, safe, loving and kind place to be.

That is integration, to the whole and marks my forward journey from here.
 
Morning Star,
Your description of dissociation is something I can relate to. When I was young the dissociation was very extreme: I thought everything was just a dream (thats what I told myself about the abuse too). Once I started feeling that life was merely a dream, I decided to play the perfect role of perfect boy. It was a hard and punishing role to play but it at least kept me safe. I tricked everyone including my own mother, father, and brother into believing I was just fine. I am now looking for my self below the perfect boy mask. In order to wear that mask at all times I believe I was basically almost always dissociating. I was disconnected from my feelings, zoned out, quickly trying to figure out how I should do things to be safe and seem normal. I keep telling myself people loved me despite that mask not because of it, but its still hard to take it off. Occassionally now when I feel vulnerable, flawed and human I get very happy. When the mask returns I get tight, numb, and depressed. It helps me a lot to always remember dissociation. I have had extreme episodes where I feel like I'm outside of myself, but for the most part I feel like I always dissociate into the perfect boy, now adult. Its become so familiar that the term dissociation is easy to forget, it seems normal to not be me, but rather to be me being me; to be the boy that the scared me chose and crafted. The scared boy worked hard on the perfect boys persona, but he failed to make him fully human, capable of loving himself and connecting with others. I'm trying to not hate the perfect persona, but embrace it as a defense created for self-preservation. Unfortunately the perfect boy I created still often takes the wheel.
 
I'm amazed by the words I'm reading here. There's a part of me inside going "Me too! Me too!" I have big gaps in my memory. I can remember "being" a stuffed animal away from my body. I understand trying to become "perfect" so no one would know how imperfect I really am. I wonder if it is possible to get back the personality you had before like Morning Star was talking about. I used to be really extroverted and outgoing and became silent and introverted and scared of people. I have little bits of memory of being the other way. Then most of my life is a big hole. I blocked out the good stuff with the bad stuff.
 
Hi all, dissociation, I day dream a lot. Some times I get hung up day dreaming that I am replying to the messages on here, and then find that I have not typed anything at all. Take care, I am off to dreamland.
Clifford
 
They reckon dissociation can be controlled pretty easy, given that you find the right therapy.

You need to put parts from the past back together and make sense of what got you to where you are today.

We keep running the "old tapes" through our minds which means going over and over the past.
New tapes need to be put over the old tapes to make a difference.

If they can fix me, they can fix anyone, so I will let you know if it happens before I die.
It is not easy to get anything in this backward country,

ste
 
What a terrific discussion. Kid A's comments above, about how the disassociative self was a perfect boy being and how he now understands that this perfect person was a mask intended to keep him safe, are, well ... perfect. I'm embarassed about my lack of originality but all I can say is ... me too. Couldn't have put it better myself. The problem I now face is one of being authentic. Being real. Being me. Not the scared child, but an adult capable of making demands.

cheers
akn
 
this is good, i never knew what to call it but i do it all the time when i'm with my therapist, mostly because i don't wanna be there and i can't really stand listening to her, so i guess i dissociate, i didn't know there was a word for it.
so thanks :) you all sound real smart and i'm feeling pretty stupid here lol
i never did that during the a***se
 
Trevor,

You aren't stupid at all. You are facing one of the worst things that can happen to a boy and you are facing it honestly and head on. No one can ask any more than that of you.

Much love,
Larry
 
ok thanks, but you know "playing" stupid saved my ass more times then i can count!

trev
 
Trev,

I know what you mean, but the truth of the matter is that abused boys grab ahold of any tactics they can to survive. Never run yourself down for using the ones that helped you.

Much love,
Larry
 
oh come on larry but im really really good at
running myself down! :)
 
Trev,

Yes, I have noticed that. ;)

Much love,
Larry
 
:p glad someone noticed! i think its
a pretty good talent
 
Trev,

Yep, all these things survivors do are pretty good talents, in that they helped us to cope in the bad times and continue to offer us something we need. The big question: What if there is something better? LOTS better?

Much love,
Larry
 
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