Disgusting Image In The Mirror (TW some language, )

It's funny how I look back to my childhood days (8-12) and see now how this I may have even been sexually abused even then, at the time what I experienced was perfectly normal.

It began when my grandmother would come into the bathroom, when I was in the bathtub, even though I would bathe myself, just like any other child of 9-10), she would then lean over the bathtub take the cloth and soap and infacticly scrub and rub my genitals, I would tell her I already bathed, she'd ignore me, and do it anyway.

Then in the morning, she would stand me in front of the sink and again with piping hot water, scrub my genitals again, this was a everyday ritual only this time she would tell me how disgusting and ugly the human body was.

Even when I used the bathroom, she would follow me in the room every time, and stand there as I used the bathroom, there was absolutely no privacy, doors were never to be closed, and there were no locks on the doors.

One night she had family over, and I was sitting on my grandmother sister's lap, when without warning she placed her hand on my pants around the crotch area, and within a millisecond my grandmother jumped off the chair, walked to where I was, and slapped my face so hard I can still feel the stinging and burning sensation, calling me a disgusting little bastard.

As time went on she began to condemn all males telling me how disgusting I was.

If I was sleeping, and my hands were under the covers she would flip out of control waking me up, accusing me of touching myself.

This was considered normal, I didn't know any different, I thought this was normal, and all families did this.

By the time I was 12, I went to live with my mother, and her new husband, where things were total opposite, at that age all I knew was the body is ugly, and sex is disgusting, and now sex, and nudity is accepted.

In April of 1981 when I was raped, my stepfather thought it would be a good idea if he asked me "Do you want to watch me and your mother have sex?", "Do you want me to put my penis in your ass?", "You want to touch my penis?"

All answers were "NO", so he fixed his underwear, where his penis was exposed, then took my hand and touched him.

By this time I was so messed up, I didn't know where to go, or what to do.

Some time after that my mother wanted to know the whole truth, so she decided to hit me with the belt, but first she humiliated me by telling me take off your clothes, and lay on your stomach across the bed, she would strike me with the belt multiple times, concluding the beating by penetrating my butt with her finger mockingly saying "Now you little bastard you know what something up your ass feels like." I instantly moved my head off the mattress and violently vomited on the floor, as she slowly walked out the room.

Some time later I made the mistake in telling her what my stepfather, her new husband did, she reacted by slapping my face, and calling me a liar.

Short time after that she took me to a psychiatrist not so that I can get help, but to be reassured that my stepfather didn't do anything.

As the psychiatrist interviewed me, and we were going home, she told me the psychiatrist thought I was lying, and she wanted me to take a lie detector test.

I was by this time ashamed, felt disgusted, dirty, I was even convinced I was going to hell, cause God was mad at me.

I began now closing my eyes when I took a shower, cause I felt guilty if I saw myself with no clothes on, getting dressed was so fast, cause I couldn't stand seeing myself in the mirror, I'd nearly break a leg in putting my pants on so fast.

I never gave it any thought that any of them had sexually abused me, it was only years later when I began reasoning "Have they abused me, or were these things brought on by my own actions."

Even at 53, I wonder were these things really abuse, or did I deserve them cause of my actions, and more importantly am I being overly sensitive, since many other people have it worse than I did?

Whatever it is I often think of myself as the disgusting Image in the mirror.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Even at 53, I wonder were these things really abuse, or did I deserve them cause of my actions, and more importantly am I being overly sensitive, since many other people have it worse than I did?

Whatever it is I often think of myself as the disgusting Image in the mirror.
1) Yes, those experiences were quite abusive. 2) You did not deserve any of those things. Healthy families don't do those things (don't follow their kids into the bathroom, don't tell them their body is ugly, don't tell them sex is disgusting, don't wash their 9-10 year old's genitals, don't ask / force their kids to touch their penis, don't ask them if they want to watch them have sex, etc. 3) You are not being overly sensitive at all.

The worst part Kenneth, is that all those lies we are told as kids embed themselves pretty deeply in us. And those lies are very difficult to change. But the truth is you are not disgusting. All of us are born with intrinsic worth and value, and the ability to do good. I'm so sorry you experienced all that as a boy.
 
Thank you so much, I accepted this as being normal, only later realized it may have been the very beginning of my physical, and sexual abuse experiences that continued into my teens.
 
Yeah, I understand that all too well. It was the same for me. Didn't like it, but I thought that was how it was supposed to be.

But you are here now, you are realizing it was not normal. They treated you in a horrible way, and you are breaking free by understanding how it works.
And no, you were not disgusting.

That mirror you are looking in, the one that makes you feel so bad? In reality, it doesn't show a disgusting you, instead it shows them and their ugly abuse of you.
 
You are definitely not being too sensitive. That was very abusive. Sounds like there was abuse going on in your grandmother's family and it carried over to later generations which is very common. Sorry you had to go thru this. It must have been very tough but you had the strength to live thru it.
 
You are definitely not being too sensitive. That was very abusive. Sounds like there was abuse going on in your grandmother's family and it carried over to later generations which is very common. Sorry you had to go thru this. It must have been very tough but you had the strength to live thru it.
You right my grandmother was abused by her stepfather, she in turn physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally abused my mother, and my grandfather.

My mother in turn brought me into it by abusing me. I don't know much about my stepfather background, but knew he would do anything sexually, and introduced my mother, then me into this.

I made a promise to God, and myself to end the cycle of abuse, never to hurt people, as I got older I feared that I might, so made another promise to not be in any relationships, or have any children.

I regret that to a degree, cause my whole life all I wanted to feel loved, and to love in return, and to feel safe.

But I broke the cycle of abuse, with a great many internal scars.
 
But I broke the cycle of abuse, with a great many internal scars.
I understand that so well.
It's a double feeling, isn't it? On one side it gives peace, on the other side it's that longing for love that makes it difficult.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Guys - that makes me SO freaking sad. Every person is worthy of love - of loving and being loved. To sacrifice the opportunity to have family relationships of your own in order to break the cycle is honorable - but still makes me sad. My hope would be you still get to experience that in your lifetime - after healing to a point where you are ready.
 
Guys - that makes me SO freaking sad. Every person is worthy of love - of loving and being loved. To sacrifice the opportunity to have family relationships of your own in order to break the cycle is honorable - but still makes me sad. My hope would be you still get to experience that in your lifetime - after healing to a point where you are ready.
.I agree, but everyone I talked to during that time, would tell me that because I was a victim of numerous abuse, or trauma that I most likely will be like them, so with my 16 year old mind took that as the gospel truth, which first led me to not even look at my family as examples, and the promises I made, it wasn't until I was 50 when I realized there was no way I was going to be like them, I took after my grandfather who had so many wonderful qualities, and was nowhere near the type of person my abusers min the family were, unfortunately he died when I was 8.

Thank you for supporting, and understanding where I'm coming from, society still believes in that ridiculous stereotype that is less than 40% true.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
.I agree, but everyone I talked to during that time, would tell me that because I was a victim of numerous abuse, or trauma that I most likely will be like them, so with my 16 year old mind took that as the gospel truth, which first led me to not even look at my family as examples, and the promises I made, it wasn't until I was 50 when I realized there was no way I was going to be like them, I took after my grandfather who had so many wonderful qualities, and was nowhere near the type of person my abusers min the family were, unfortunately he died when I was 8.

Thank you for supporting, and understanding where I'm coming from, society still believes in that ridiculous stereotype that is less than 40% true.
Yep. It's a tough stereotype for sure. But when I typically hear people talk publicly about sexual abuse, I usually hear them state the fact that most of the abused don't go on to abuse.
 
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