Discussion Board Boundaries

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Discussion Board Boundaries
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kolisha54

Hi Y'all!

I am hoping to get some clarification here: Is it NOT ok for me to read the posts in the Male Survivors messages? Is it NOT ok for me to respond to them?

Some of the comments are absolutely heart-rending & I feel so saddened by them, but I am also greatly, vastly encouraged by the wisdom & determination & openness.

I am learning so much about (1) how to support my friend & what he must be going through (2) how to give him space & not impose myself upon him (3) that all of us, male & female survivors, have very similar ways of reacting to the abuse.

So - any thoughts or guidelines would be appreciated.
 
Kolisha54,

There was a lot of discussion of this a while back. The original thread was deleted, but reposted as a cut and paste quote in a new thread somewhere.

The gist of it is, I believe, the majority of the guys who post here would prefer that forum be reserved exclusively for male survivors.

I would suggest that you send a PM to someone to see if they're willing to correspond with you about a topic, or start a thread out here that relates to how actions of a survivor in your life affect you.

When I stop and think about it I realize how difficult it is to strike a balance between the differing views on how best to run the site. I am not one who prefers keeping that forum exclusive, but it certainly does me less "harm" this way than it might do some other guys who consider that forum "their space." Overall I think the folks running this place are doing a great job with a delicate subject and some very sensitive clients, i.e., people like me.

I'm a member, nothing more, so this counts for as much as you let it. It's only my opinion. I hope the forums that are here are helpful to all the people who use them. I know I get a lot of help from threads in this forum sometimes, even ones I don't join. I guess if you read something over in the Male Survivor forum that stirs up things in you, you should be able to post about your own feelings, etc. here. I'd be careful about keeping the focus off the person who posted what I read, though. You who support us need support, and I personally don't know anywhere else on the web for you to turn. I'm glad, no I'm proud that this forum is here for you.

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year!

Joe
 
Kolisha
Joe's just about summed it up, we 'recommend' that women refrain from posting there.
The split in favour and not in favour is abot 50-50 as far as I can tell, so we try to keep it to a minimum.
But if a reply was very appropriate then I hope common sense would prevail.

The other option is to start a new topic in the Fam' & Fri'forum about the same subject.
Or ask whoever's post has interested you if you could restart it in Fam'& Fri'.

It's a bit frustrating for you I know, but this subject is the cause of regular 'discussion' here, and keeping the peace is something we like to do.

But keep posting, and please don't think we're ungrateful for all the help and support we gain from all the partners here - we are.

Dave
 
Dave,

we 'recommend' that women refrain from posting there.
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What it actually says as an intro to the discussiion forum:

We ask that only male survivors post here. This forum is for the discussion of recovery issues. Please use the Off-Topic forum for general discussions.
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There is nothing ambiguous about ONLY MALE SURVIVORS. I don't see the word recommend.
I think Joe's advise makes a lot of sense.

the majority of the guys who post here would prefer that forum be reserved exclusively for male survivors.
I would suggest that you send a PM to someone to see if they're willing to correspond with you about a topic, or start a thread out here that relates to how actions of a survivor in your life affect you.
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Peace, Andrew
 
Thanks for the clarification & the great suggestions!

I'd rather be "frustrated" than think I was making another survivor feel uncomfortable - or worse.

In the future, I am going to limit my reading of posts only to those that concern "partner" or "relationship" types of issues.

I know how important it is for my own friend to feel that he has complete control over the amount of exposure he wants to cede to other people - it's been really difficult for me to understand that my very own emotional "proximity" to him makes me the LAST person he wants to talk to sometimes. Yeah, women really do operate differently, so although you guys would know all this implicitely, it's kinda difficult for us women to absorb the lesson.

Thanks so much for all your advice & your insights!
 
sorry, that should have read "ASK"

dAVE
 
personally, i have found the insight offered by the ladies here to be invaluable. i respect the need of my fellow brothers in restricting the male forum to male posters. this makes perfect sense and should be respected but when flame wars start about this issue too many people are hurt. sensitivity goes both ways. there have been times when i have felt completely alienated by the vehemance of some on this issue and have wanted to leave the forum. for the ladies here who go out of their way to help us we have to keep in mind the respect and dignity they are intitled to while still responding to our own unique needs. overall, i have been quite impressed by the integrity that 99.99% of the participants have shown here over this issue.

ladies, as i have said, your insights have been so very helpful to me. unless i specifically request in my sunject line that no ladies read it then i welcome any one to pm me on the topic. take care, all of you.
 
Theo...

I think you walk on water too! :cool:

Hugs,

Lynn
 
ditto for me too Theo. I have no problem with any of my posts being read or receiving PMs from any of the membership. Peace, Andrew
 
I'm not a male survivor or a member but I will put my opinion in because I am a big mouth.

I think it's good that the male survivors forum is for male survivors only. I wouldn't post there if I could, because I'd want men to show me the same respect on a female survivors forum. I read the posts there, but not all of them, and mostly not just the ones that deal not with partner or relationship issues, but the ones that deal with issues that my boyfriend deals with. And if my boyfriend were to post here, I wouldn't read it at all unless he asked me to. And THAT's because I'm here because I'm trying to learn about and deal with the challenge of being the partner of an abuse survivor, which means that when I'm here, he's a priority, and my relationship with him is a priority. And after that comes helping the other incredible people here, who have helped me just with the fact of their existence, by sharing where I think it's relevant and supporting where I can. I guess those are "my" guidelines for reading and posting.

I have PM'd a few of the men here when I've wanted to ask them something or share something with them, and I don't think I've ever been treated without respect and dignity. In fact I've been treated with so much warmth and acceptance that it blows me away. I have no doubt that that will continue to be the case, at least, as theo said, 99+ percent of the time.

I, too, have been struck and touched by how similarly we all react to abuse, but also at how differently men deal with some things. I don't think I ever would have had the opportunity to learn about these differences if there were no Male Survivors forum because I don't think that some of the posts that have taught me the most would have been posted if women posted there too.

happy new year all,
Sar
 
Thanks Kolisha for bringing up the subject.
I have also feel hurt by the "all male exclusive forum" because I can't understand that women can read but not reply ! I understood that there is a private members chat room and forum so I don't really get it.
I can feel that the delicate issue behind all this is safety and trust. They are some very delicate issues that are brought up in the male forum that would never appear in the Family and Friends where the posts come mainly from partners.
I am a partner but also a survivor, I can learn from guys but I believe my experience as a survivor, a partner and also the friend of other male survivors could benefit other guys.
It actually happened yesterday on the chat room of www.inceste.org where I spent hours chatting with a guy.
So far, no male survivor has ever complained about receiving the point of view of a woman. I have had the experience of discussing compulsive masturbation with a French male survivor on the phone (even more personal than the internet right ?). And you know what ? The most amazing and helpful thing for him was that he could actually tell his dark secret to a WOMAN ! The feeling of shame and guilt disappeared but what he thought impossible: "a woman accepting him without despise, criticism..." was actually possible.
But I am a survivor myself so maybe my understanding of the feelings, hurt, pain, issues of a male survivor make more sense to me because I experience the pain and the difficulty of healing myself.
On www.inceste.org , there are open forums : the main ones are "survivors forum" and "partners forum". I remember there has been a post on compulsive masturbation and the response were mixed, guys and girls,sharing their experiences, issues, strategies..and a guy actually saying that he did not feel there was such a huge gap between men and women.
I have personnally responded in private to a few guys after reading their posts but sometimes I felt "my words could have helped someone else too, what a pity".
When I posted about V (I was hoping to be able to exchange views with male survivors whose perp was their mother), my post was moved and I must admit I was shocked, felt uncomfortable and not really accepted.
I am just sharing how I feel but I must repeat that being a survivor, I strongly feel like one of you guys !
Warmest regards and again happy New Year to you all, with all my heart
Caroline
 
Caroline,
I have also feel hurt by the "all male exclusive forum" because I can't understand that women can read but not reply ! I understood that there is a private members chat room and forum so I don't really get it.
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I think the idea is that, for some guys (not all by any means) the idea of discussing these topics with a woman is frightening/upsetting/uncomfortable. Personally, when my wife and I started our counseling together, I deliberatly sought a female counselor "just in case" my past would come up.

There is a private forum, but it is for dues paying (or sweat equity paying) members. I hardly ever go to chat, but it is not reserved for males, as far as I know. I don't know what kind of response a woman would get in the chat rooms, though. I would hope it would be respectful, but for some guys a woman's presence might be triggering.
I am a partner but also a survivor, I can learn from guys but I believe my experience as a survivor, a partner and also the friend of other male survivors could benefit other guys.
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I know the experience of survivors helps other survivors. I participated in a weekend retreat in December with male and female survivors. It was a great help to me.

But that's me. There are guys here who do not share that sentiment. When those guys point out that there isn't anyplace else specifically for guys, it's hard to refute. (I know, I have visited other web sites related to male survivor issues. This is still the biggest by far and many of the others are not interactive.)
I am just sharing how I feel but I must repeat that being a survivor, I strongly feel like one of you guys !
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As a survivor, to me, you are "one of us." Some guys don't see it that way, though.

In the thread I mentioned above (the one that was deleted) I said I would like a forum where male survivors and anyone intersted in male survivors could post. I think the Unmoderated forum is not the place for it. It's not Off Topic. It's not specifically Family and Friends. As I imagine it, it's a place where anyone interested can discuss the issues related to recovery from childhood sexual abuse. I know (believe me, I know) that sexual abuse of males is a "best kept secret." I know this is Male Survivor. My take is that the problem is sexual abuse, not abuse of males, or abuse of females, or abuse of red heads, or abuse of unathletic kids, or any other "specialization."

In a recent thread I was one of several who admitted to relating more easily with women than with men. I know I have heard my experience in the words of women survivors at SIA meetings. To me many of the issues are the same for all of us.

In my best of all possible worlds, the Male Survivor forum stays all male for the sake of the guys who feel so strongly about it. But we add a moderated forum for people like me (and perhaps like you) who want open discussion with survivors and pro-survivors alike. Providing that service does not take anything away from the guys who don't want to use that forum any more than having a forum for gay survivors takes away from hetero folks.

Thanks,

Joe
 
i can understand how having the male survivor forum read only can be frustrating and difficult. i think most of the guys can, because many of the sites for survivors are just like, except they exclude men.

but i tend to look at the male survivor forum as a something that is specifically for males to relate their experiences and share them with one another. maybe thats just me, but thats how i see it. there really arent any places where men can do that, and, from what ive read and can see from how it affected women, its a good thing. you cant go from polarization to generalization and just skim past half the issue. its necessary for the male perspective to be heard and for men to have a voice outside of that of women.

i think having another forum would be a good idea. it could be one where any of the posts that women read in the male survivor forum could be discussed as well as opening the floor the issue of abuse in general. its great, as well as the site remains here for creating awareness that males are victims of abuse as well, because, from a societal, media, political, and therapeutic standpoint, its still widely considered minimal, unimportant, nonexistent, or any combination of those three.
 
I feel for anyone who feels excluded by this site, but I strongly support the men only aspect of this particular bulletin board. If people want another forum, great. IMHO

Jim
 
I would like to see the male survivor forums reserved for posts by male survivors.

I appreciate the women who respect that boundary. I know the messages can still be read, and you can always PM someone and ask to talk off-forum. There are other places here to post publicly.

I searched the Internet for 2 years before I found this place. Some sites are female-only, others are mixed.

This site is the ONE place where I usually don't have to worry about the issue becoming gender clashes, instead of the topic in the thread. I really need that.

Privacy and respect help people heal. As I see it, if someone heals, everyone benefits.

Thanks,

Ed
 
I have been usually okay with the ladies here. I have had some time of discomfort with it also though. But there is a young friend that I have recommended this site to, who I feel very protective of, and upon hearing of his discomfort and fears due to females in the chat room, and then reading this post, I felt need to make some comments. This is not directed really at anyone, but I feel frustrated, and angry that my friend feels less safe here now. He, as all of us, deserve to feel safe here. And this is not directed at Caetel, but her post most is what says some things I wish to address, so I am using quotes from there.


I have also feel hurt by the "all male exclusive forum" because I can't understand that women can read but not reply ! I understood that there is a private members chat room and forum so I don't really get it.
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I had looked for quite some time for an 'all male' site for healing from this. There are many, many all female sites. There are many 'mixed' site, which are predominantly, by at least 75%, women. I have been at sites that are SUPPOSED to be for female AND male survivors, and have been attacked for my gender. When I came here, it was because it is called MALEsurvivor, and I thought, finally, I will be accepted, even with my facial hair and sometime rude habits. And to say that there is a private members area and chat, that seems to be implication that if MALE survivors at the MALE survivor site wish for a place only of their own, they must pay for it. While there are a hundred sites for female survivors for free.

I am a partner but also a survivor
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I am sorry that you also have had to survive this. But, at this site, in this context, you are a partner. Because, presumeably, you are here to help HIM, not to work on your own personal issues. (Not saying that anyone else can't get something from here that CAN help themselves; but hoping that is not the motivating factor in being here, but to help the OTHER person they care about).

So far, no male survivor has ever complained about receiving the point of view of a woman.
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Perhaps that is true of the other site you go to. At this one, I believe WhyMe and Al specifically would disagree with that statement, and some of the other members who added their thoughts to the threads started by those two men.

I am just sharing how I feel but I must repeat that being a survivor, I strongly feel like one of you guys !
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Not meaning to be flippant, or for this remark to be simple, as there is more in the context then the obvious; but, unless you have a penis, you are not one of 'us guys'. Yes, male or female, survivors of sexual abuse are going to be similar in many ways, and feel many similar things, and perhaps 'act out' in many similar ways. But, just as men and women are remarkably different (as those 'mars and venus' books will tell you), male and female survivors are going to have remarkable differences.

I said it in one other thread. If one MALE survivor is made to feel unsafe or uncomfortable because of the inclusion of women in the male forum (or now, in my mind, in the chat room), that is one too many. The friend I recommended this site to, he is greatly needing to feel safe. And now, because of the chat room problem, he doesn't, and may not return. THAT is not right.

Leosha
 
At the chat room there is no mention of gender restriction. Also, no mention of the intended use of the three different rooms. That might be helpful information, to prevent confusion and conflict.
 
WHY in the world would a woman want to be in the men's chat room?

I can understand READING the posts in the men's forum, as my greatest learning has come from there, which has DRASTICALLY changed my life because of my new found awareness. I understand the post restrictions. SOME guys are not comfy with it, and that should be the priority. It's the whole reason for this whole place. I do PM people occasionally, which gets the same job done, only a bit more privately, right?

I agree with Leosha, we're never gonna be 'one of the guys'. They will never have babies, and we will never totally understand their hormones!

The message board issue has been "handled" I think, for the most part, but the chat thing, ugh! From some of the things I have heard about it...from some of the guys...THAT seems like it could be potentially "dangerous" for even the guys sometimes.

Lynn
 
Hey Roger,

ACtually, I think the decision was NOT to allow women free reign in the male forum. It was made clear that we shouldn't be posting there, and I fully support that decision. There's even a little "disclaimer" thing on the top of the page. I have PM'd people though, as some have become dear to me, and others I have wanted to "suport". I admit, I did post there when I first came here, cuz I didn't "get it". Dave was very kind, and told me what it was really for. I appreciated that, and I quit posting there immediately. That was months ago.

Can I humbly ask to be seen as an individual though, and not be grouped in with the 'complainers'? I had come here for help for a kid, and WOW did I get tons! I am eternally grateful! You guys are amazing, and I am quick to tell you that.

I didn't complain, because it doesn't accomplish anything. I "reported" progress and setbacks, because I wanted direction. Not from the angle of how it affected 'me', but more "what am I seeing" and...any suggestions?" Thank you so much to the wonderful people who provided it. I always try to remain positive, that's why I'm "Pollyanna"!! I have 'vented' occasionally, but in PMs to people who know what I need.

I am so touched, and so sorry that there is so much sadness and hurt, that places like these are even necessary. I really want to do whatever I can to "alleviate" whatever I can. Really...if it's even a remote possibility that some little stupid thing "I" could ever say would even make a difference. I will never quit trying to show goodness, cuz there's a lot of that in the world too.

I hope you find peace.

Hugs,

Lynn
 
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