Discovering my past

Erik Zachary

Registrant
I've posted what I thought was my complete story on here before, turns out the vulnerability and abuse goes way back. !Possible trigger warnings!

I learned recently that my grandfather is a child predator. He molested my oldest brother, and was always asking my middle brother to expose himself. Now, I was not subject to that kind of behavior. However, he would make strange comments about my body, kiss my lips frequently, he would also always touch me for too long (hugs, shoulder touch, ect). My therapist explained that children who grow up around predators, who are subject to their negative energy, get "marked" as vulnerable to other predators.
This "mark", she explained, is why 3 other predators singled me out.

When I was still young, around 4 or 5 years old, a kid from up the street came over to my house while no one was home. He pinned me down and turned on porn. As far as I can remember nothing else happened. I don't think this experience was traumatic, but it did lead to a fascination with sex.
That fascination led me to my 6th grade year of school. One of the boys who sat next to me for 3 of my classes wanted to play a game of "fire truck". In this game he would put his hand on my ankle and move it up my leg until I said 'red light'. He got to about my knee when I said 'red light', he responded "fire trucks don't stop at red lights" and moved his hand quickly to my crotch.
In class he would put his hand on my inner thigh, and move my hand to his penis, but over his pants. I don't remember when he stopped doing this.

My 8th grade year I met this 20 year old online through his girlfriend who was my friend. The 20 year old and I would talk about music and innocent things. Eventually he sent me a picture of his penis. I was 13 ish at the time. I did not know how to respond so I didn't. He messaged me later as if nothing happened. At this time in my life I was struggling so much with gender and sexuality, I was coming to terms with being transgender. This 20 year old was giving me so much validation, he would call me handsome, perfect, 'his little boy'. At the time I was desperate for that. So I played his game of sending sexual images of myself to him in return for compliments and validity.
Once I hit highschool I became too busy to keep up with his demands and we stopped talking.

With a mix of all that, bullying, GID, and depression I attempted suicide freshman year. After I left the hospital I left my original school to do independent study, and lost all my friends in the process. I struck up a conversation with my soon to be abuser on a FB support group. And that is a different story.



It is a strange concept, to be "marked" in a way that other predators can pick up on. I have been sitting with the idea for a little while now, not sure to what to make of it. It absolutely makes sense, but at the same time leaves me feeling confused and uneasy.
 
Hey Erik Zachary,

Thanks for sharing this part of your story here.

That’s an interesting thing for your therapist to say considering the power of suggestion and all.
But I get what you’re saying. It does seem like we can be set up for further targeting and abuse.

When I was young my father would sometimes beat me when he got drunk.
My older brother would also target me and beat me.
My mother pretended it was all OK.
I quickly learned to blend into the background and to be very compliant. That didn’t always work but it helped.

My therapist once once told me that perpetrators are very good at identifying the vulnerabilities of their victims.

I believe that our vulnerabilities have often already been used against us during our grooming process.
All we can do is try to learn what the predators look like and how they act.
It’s very sad because they are often using the things we are most in need of, like love, a human connection and decency.
They do so much damage.
 
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Erik Zachary

Registrant
My therapist once once told me that perpetrators are very good at identifying the vulnerabilities of their victims.

I believe that our vulnerabilities have often already been used against us during our grooming process.
All we can do is try to learn what the predators look like and how they act.
It’s very sad because they are often using the things we are most in need of, like love, a human connection and decency.
They do so much damage.
I believe this is what she was getting at. The perps can detect vulnerability and then make it even deeper.
In relating to learning what predators look/act like, I've started to place complete trust in my gut feelings. If a situation with a person does not feel right, I leave immediately no questioning till I am out of it.
 
I believe this is what she was getting at. The perps can detect vulnerability and then make it even deeper.
In relating to learning what predators look/act like, I've started to place complete trust in my gut feelings. If a situation with a person does not feel right, I leave immediately no questioning till I am out of it.
Thats a very good plan!
 
My therapist explained that children who grow up around predators, who are subject to their negative energy, get "marked" as vulnerable to other predators.
This is actually very insightful. Thank you for sharing this, Erik . This explains a lot, why the minister when I took a keen interest in me. I apparently had been marked by my father.
 
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