disclosure

disclosure
S

sweet-n-sour

Registrant
Hi. Disclosure is the recent avenue that husband has tackled. I'm not certain if he was exactly ready or not for this monumental step but he went there. He has disclosed to two of his family members. (to protect the children who may be in contact with the abuser.) Needless to say, the message was not well received. Denial, minimizing, and blame has all been cast in the direction of my husband. The anger projected by both family members has been a shock. (Of course the abuser is his older brother and I'm sure they are feeling stuck between both brothers.)
I was reading that when a csa survivor goes to disclose that they need to have some expectations and realize that these expectations may be far from what may actually transpire. (Meaning for most validation and support are wishful thinking.)
Any thoughts or personal experiences that went as well as to be expected or worse than a survivor imagined? Any thoughts or insight would be most appreciated.
Thank you,
sweet-n-sour
 
coming out wasnt totally when i wanted. my family knew i had a lot of doctor's appointments. i think that i wanted to tell anyway, and having everyone asking all the time was bothering me. i was kind of sick of lying and hiding by then. my dad got me aside on thanksgiving a couple years back, and we talked of other things, and then he asked what i was going to the doctor for. they knew i had cancer earlier, and i think everyone was scared something was going on, so i told him.

his first words were when and how. i told him that he was overseas, and that the teen was very good at hiding and very smart. things havent been the same since. they were never great, but now there is a huge gap between my parents and me.

my family doesnt speak of things. this is just another thing we all ignore, as if it would go away. on my side, i have ill feelings that thier turning away from me only made worse. they failed me. i think they tried in thier own way, but they should have known. i wonder if they had gotten me help, would i have suffered so long? what would my life have been like? i dont dwell on it, but you wonder sometimes.
 
(I realize I brought up disclosure before but I'm still trying to make sense out of current happenings.) It boggles my mind how family can return to the same dynamics as when a survivor was a vulnerable child. I know in life there may not be any "making sense" out of unimaginable circumstances.
Thank you,
s-n-s
 
people dont really change unless they put a great deal of time and effort into it. the past is what it is because the people involved are who they are. they return to those dynamics because that is who they are. the problem is just because your husband is working changing doesnt mean his family will. let me just say that the family characteristics that allowed the abuse are still in place. the lack of support, love and affection are all still there.
 
Dear Phoster:
First, I'd like to thank you for sharing your experience of disclosure. I can understand you wondering "what if" "if they had gotten me help, would i have suffered so long? what would my life have been like?" I guess where family is concerned, it is what it is. I'm beginning to see that with husband's family and in some ways, my own.
When you said "the family characteristics that allowed the abuse are still in place," is so true. I only wish they had evolved and the dynamics had changed but it didn't. Husband has always been one of kindness to them all but in retrospect, maybe because he was the person to be the escape goat (so to say) he has spent his life trying perhaps too hard for something that may never happen. (accpetance, love, respect) I pray that he'll be able to come to terms with this and a lot of things as he furthers his healing.
Thanks phoster for your insight.
s-n-s
 
My bf first told his parents (in an email) about the SA with his teacher. He told them he only wanted to communicate by email. He also gave them links to useful websites(my suggestion). I don't think they went to any. They were moderately supportive, but because his memories were suppressed still, they asked him if he was sure :rolleyes: The whole thing complicated the start of his healing process. On my suggestion he did a bit of reading in one of the books we'd ordered and then sent his parents another mail saying he was laying a ground rule that the issue of wether or not anything actually happened could not be discussed again. I thought that was so strong and clearheaded of him. He had also mailed his sister saying he remembered the SA by her and that what he needed was for her to tell their parents. She wrote him a letter which said some satisfactory things in it, and also that she'd been SA be their babysitter and that was why she repeated it. This was another complication unforseen. Emotionally exhausting for bf. It was also clear she didn't want to tell parents. Then she wrote a few more letters/texted and basically 'leaned' on him emotionally. So he was very clear he could give her NO support right now. He laid VERY clear boundaries. He even sent her a book and told her to see a therapist. Then she went away for the summer, saw a therapist, came back, told their parents, who have now also decided to get help. It is an outcome my bf was hoping for and I am so relieved it has happened that way.

I've always felt he's the scapegoat in the family. I dislike the way they treat him and eachother. I once(before this all came out) got really angry about his mother's emotional blackmail. I think it helped him to value himself more highly, although at the moment I keep my thoughts mostly to myself about his family. I think it wouldn't be right at the moment. I think he's still very aware they're not healthy to be around, but we live far away and there's been very little communication. They are coming to stay soon for a couple of nights and I'm sure that will be fraught with tension for everyone.

peace,
Beccy
 
SnS,

When I disclosed to my elderly parents last November it had been planned for months and I already had the support of my sister and my parents' best friends. I also disclosed in the office of a T, and she sat with me for a half hour beforehand to discuss ideas on how we should proceed. When my parents came in and the big moment arrived I was very upset and could hardly speak, but it was wonderful. I got a lot of support and the T was there to address my parents' own very emotional response to what I had told them. It was great.

Disclosing about abuse by an older sibling or parent, however, is always going to be fraught with uncertainty and turmoil. After all, the family is suddenly confronted with accusations they never expected and they have to make a split-second decision about which side they support. As it's always difficult for people to accept that abuse can happen in their own family, perhaps support for the accused sibling (or parent) is to be expected at first. I wonder if denial of the abuse is in a way denial of the possibility that such thinks can "happen to us".

If that's the case, then perhaps the family just needs time to think about what they have heard and to connect it up with oddities they remember from the past. But certainly the survivor should not back off what he has said. He has been condemned to silence long enough.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dear Beccy:
Your boyfriend did sound wise to lay the ground rules accordingly. Thus far, disclosure has been pretty difficult esp. in dealing with the reactions of family. I truly thank you for sharing. Peace.
s-n-s
 
Dear Larry:
Thank you for sharing your disclosure. I truly wish husband would have had the option to plan as such. Because children could possibly have still been in danger; he was forced into the step of disclosure.
Yes, the point you made about how it may take time for his family to accept, I'm guessing may be the case here. We need to extend patience and understanding to his family since this is all sort of new.
This has been a difficult time and trying to make sense of it all has been a challenge. Again, thank you for your help.
Peace.
s-n-s
 
Dear Ken:
Thanks for the link! I did check it out and it was of help.
s-n-s
 
comming out wasnt my choice ,but it totaly alienated all my family. they took his side and to this day only want to cause me pain
 
but i guess they had their reasons
 
Dear Shadowkid:
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry that disclosure had distanced you from your family. I'm beginning to realize that facing the truth is often very difficult for families to cope with.
I am so grateful for this network of survivors and the support that is given to each other here. I know it has helped my husband as well as myself.
Peace,
s-n-s
 
Dear ShadowKid:
I too know that experience. My buddy Dale is going through it right now, where there really is no family to speak of, and all the encounters with these assholes only cause new anger and set him back in his recovery. I have been pleased to hear him when he tells me things about being 'safe' with me, so I know I've actually done something right. You all have my condolences, I guess you'd say. I'm slowly finding out just what this nightmare is all about, as I help my buddy progress through his healing. I too am glad to know that this source of support is here, so bless you all, and I hope that I can get him on here too. I know it would do him a lot of good, for it has me and I'm only dealing with this in a vicarious way.
 
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