Disclosure Question

[Grunty1967b]

Hi all Friends and Family.

I'm a victim of CSA having been abused by my older brother and have not disclosed this to my parents, other family or anybody else other than my wife of 16 years.

My question to family members here is how you handled being told that your family member was sexually abused? I don't mean from the sense of how you may have felt that you could have intervened had you known (or maybe I am). but it's more so from the belief, acceptance and understanding perspective.

Before answering let me state this. My parents were aware to some extent of the very earliest instance of my brother abusing me and gave a stern warning (to us both thankyou - me included as the guilty 4 year old being abused by his older brother) That in itself tells me about their lack of understanding about the dynamics of abuse.

So, I don't know whether they suspected the abuse continued or not (image if they did but then did nothing? That makes me too upset to dwell on it).

My point then, I think they have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA about abuse and its consequences. I think if they found out theyd probably [still] say that I was at fault also. So from that perspective Im not about to jump into that pit.

So those are my thoughts? Do people feel that maybe after all these years they may view all this differently or regardless may still accept it for what it was (wrong), and will it be of any benefit to anybody?

My two reasons for even thinking about disclosing is so that they know, and know how it has effected me (not from a guilt perspective but from a just so they understand). The second reason is that I think who else was abused and where did it all start, and can I now be a part of an answer.

 

[kolisha54]

**** A few moments of nastiness. Might trigger***

Oh boy.

I can't really answer from the perspective of someone who has been entrusted with a disclosure from a family member, but what I can tell you is about my own experiences trying to get my parents to come to grips with the fact of my having been violently attacked 3 separate times, raped, beaten, & strangled, & then virtually accused of making the whole thing up when I lost the trial...

Just like your family, my folks are in deep denial. One time a few years ago, when my PTSD symptoms were unbearable, I had a conversation with my Dad where I was trying to explain to him exactly the kinds of issues you discuss in your post. And the Dear Old Thing wrinkled up his nose & looked perplexed & angry, stared straight into my face & asked: "Trauma???? What 'TRAUMA' have you suffered???? Your brother had CANCER! What kind of TRAUMA did you ever have???"

Well, let me tell you. That little incident led to 3 and a half years of total estrangement. I refused to talk to him, to my mother, to my sister, or my brother. Secondary wounding is a huge, potent, horrible source of suffering.

I honestly believe that it is easier to cope with things swept under the rug than it is to deal with someone's knuckleheaded explicit refusal to validate our pain. When a Loved One doesn't believe us, we have yet another source of shame to add to our list: "how could I have come from such a family??? Who ARE these people??? Are they NUTS?" It just adds another layer of embarrassment & humiliation.

If you really & truly think in your heart that your family will really truly HEAR you.... well, good luck & be strong! People DO change! (Sometimes.)

There is an amazing magical book about reconciliation written by Laura Davis. It's called "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again." Laura also has a website www.lauradavis.net with all kinds of free articles & tests you can take to determine if you & your family are really going to benefit from trying to face the Truth.

But if your family is like mine, trying to get their respect & recognition - forget about getting their love & compassion - has not been a realistic expectation on my part.

On the other hand, once things came to a head & I decided to escape, having the time AWAY from the family dynamics really strengthened me & enabled me to break away from the unhealthy system that dictated how the family functioned. The Truth about them was very painful, but I only grew into the person that I am & was only able to heal, by coming to grips with THEIR failures & keeping far far far away from them until I was strong enough to forgive them for being so damned STUPID! GGGRRR!

I can only now say that I love them & forgive them - but this has only come after I have given up ANY thought that they will EVER understand what has happened to me & how it has shaped my life.

Hope this helps.

 

[Grunty1967b]

Thankyou for that. I too have worked through the way my family is and I've distanced myself from all of the Family of Origin rubbish that was a part of my upbringing. I have my new family now with my wife and I'm happy about my distance that I have erected with them.

I see exactly what you are saying about the amazing denial they still have towards you, and I appreciate you sharing how that has now dumped a fresh load of stuff on you (seconday wounding as you put it). I can well imagine how that must feel, and I certainly don't want to have to deal with that as well. I truly believe that they woujld react in a similar way too. And thankyou for the link to Laura Davis. It's great how we get to help each other with other resources that we have found helpful to ourselves.

I can see how sweeping it under the carpet is the lesser of two evils. There's still the issue of "who else may have been abused" but I can't fix the whole world, and others yet to see this may also add some more perspective.

Thank you for your caring input.

 

[Rabbit in your Headlights]

Not sure what to advise, just wanted to say that I resently told my folks about what happened to me and they asked my Step Brother if it was true!

He being the abuser obviously denied it!

I have now done the undoable, I feel stronger from standing up to my step brother and from giving some of the wieght I felt, back where it belongs.

My step dad thinks I'm a lier and my mum promised understanding and support but has failed to deliver both. It's a mixed blessing and there is definately a masive helping of (seconday wounding) to deal with.

I only hope I am strong enough to make the best of this situation, I now have an honest picture of my family and I can stop holding on to the false hope that they will make it allright!

Only we can do that. Good luck. Regain your iner strength and go with your gut feeling.

 

[beautifuldisaster]

I can only respond to how I reacted as a girlfriend (now wife, if that tells you anything!) at the time. I do know however that my husband has very strong feelings against telling his mother (his father passed in 97).
I dont think he feels he wouldnt be believed by his family (he is the youngest of 4 brothers)I think way down deep he feels it would somehow show his brother that he had an affect on him...and he would NEVER want him to feel like he had any single bit of power over his life at all. I dont know if that makes sense...but it would be like admitting defeat (which I am not saying is a healthy way of viewing this).
I think too it would open this up, and he doesnt have a desire to do that with his entire family either. He also says he doesnt want to hurt his mother. His mother is a strong, strong woman and I think she would be able to help him deal with this. Yet I can respect that also. At the same time I also feel that he feels the view of who he is would change in the eyes of his family. I dont think it would, I think it would explain some things to them about his life.
He is an extremeist in his man behavior. He has lived his life as the manliest man I have ever met in my entire life. I think this is partly nature (his father and one other brother are/were real guy guys-flannel, guns, big trucks and all)but I also think that his is so extreme to prove something to himself and the world. That he CANNOT be overcome by anybody. Which works against our relationship too. He has a message...he is a billboard. I cant say that is not understandable.
I think every person involved in these scenarios are going to have their own reaction/opinion.
It would be hard to pin that down.....but it certainally doesnt reflect on you as a person.
Sorry you are experiencing this.
God Bless...