With the help of my therapist I have been moving slowly towards new levels of disclosure regarding the sexual abuse that occurred in the context of my faith community when I was a teenager. I have used the posting which is now in Survivor Stories, Danny Fowler Story, as a way of communicating the grief and hurt the sexual abuse has caused me.
At first, I allowed a few close friends to read what I had written on the Discussion Board, then some family members who had no idea of what had happened.
This week I surprised myself by sending this story to about 15 people on my e-mail list.
This letter accompanied the writing.
Danny - Wow. What a story. The pain. I am so glad to know you on this side
of recovery. My love to you - Betsy
> Hello to my friends and family,
>
> These mass mailings are usually troublesome, and this one is not an exception.
>
> I apologize for lumping you all together like this, however since many of you
> already are acquainted perhaps it's not all that bad.
>
> I'm writing to share with you all some writing that I have recently completed.
> In the form of an answer to a question posed on an on-line discussion board,
> this piece was written all in one sitting late one night and early the following
> morning.
>
> The web-site is MaleSurvivor.org, which is a national organization that exists
> to overcome the sexual abuse of boys and men. I have recently become affiliated
> with this organization and this composition represents one of my first efforts
> to put on paper a part of the story of the how being sexually abused has plagued
> my life.
>
> It's possible that I am seeking to elicit some greater understanding on your
> part. Perhaps even more sympathy, though all of have been so incredibly kind
> and caring of me.
>
> The real reason for writing, publishing and sharing this with others such as
> you, is to break down finally that wall of denial and silence which allows the
> deleterious effects of sexual abuse to cause so much damage and grief.
>
> Thank God that wall is slowly being destroyed.
>
> I hope that this will not trouble any of you too much. And I hope you all will
> know that I am sharing this with you each individually because you are each
> loved by me. I have finally become willing and able to begin to recover from
> the long standing hurt suffered when I was still a young teen.
>
> It might be hard to read. If so, please accept my apologies for any discomfort
> you may experience.
>
> No response is required. Nothing to really fix. I have been and still am
> working with a very qualified therapist (one of the members of the bevy of
> mental health experts required to keep me half way sane!).
>
> We are now approaching a level of disclosure that seems to lead to more public
> confrontation of this problem. Before the public disclosure occurs, I wanted to
> take this chance to tell you all privately.
>
> It is still very difficult at times for me to talk about. Particularly
> repeating it over so often as I have done in the last few years.
> When I spontaneously wrote this account of a few of the salient events in this
> saga of growing up sexually abused, I found a means to let many people know what
> had happened to me.
>
> I hope also to let other boys and men know that there is a way out, there is a
> solution when one is victimized as I was.
>
> Thanks to all of you for the love and friendship I have been so privileged to
> enjoy over the years. Perhaps it is unfair of me to ask you to share in this
> burden that I bear. Please know that is offered now that it seems to be
> approaching some type of resolution.
>
> It is hoped that this will published in the national journal of MaleSurvivor in
> the sping 2004 issue. We'll see.
>
> Thank you all for taking the time to read and to care.
>
>
> Love,
>
> Danny
>
> Some of you may receive multiple copies, especially if you maintain more than
> one e-mail account. Sorry......DF
becoming more comfortable with it seems to be part of the deal. like you, i have now shared my story with many, when only a few years ago, i couldnt even tell my wife. i think it really marks the realization that it wasnt your fault, and that you no longer associate it with shame and guilt. it becomes a fact rather than a hidden secrete, and it sets you free of carrying the full weight of it. congrats, i believe you have taken a huge leap foward.
I am so glad to see that you are having positive results from telling your story. It is such a hard and big step to take.
I am currently planning on sometime in October to tell both my sister and my parents. I never thought that I would do that but because of this place, you, and others here and a lot of help and preperation with my T, I am almost ready.
The strangest thing now to me is since the decision has been made to tell my family, and since telling has haunted so much of me for so many years, I have a hard, if not impossible time seeing life past the time I tell them. It is the weirdest sensation. It is like my entire life has revolved around keeping this a secret from my family, and when I tell them, I don't know what comes next. It is both frightening and exciting at the same time.
Seeing the success you are having is so encouraging to me. Thank you.
Thanks Jeff and Brent, for the positive feedback.
The first 4 or 5 responses to this came right away and were all very supportive. Then one woman called to say how upset it had made her to read it. I didn't have to speak to her since the answering machine took the call.
Now I have received another message from an elderly friend (she's 85) who says that she cannot read it as she is too sensitive to bear it.
I must confess that it would be possible for me to feel hurt by these two less than positive reactions, but I try to keep in mind that I am doing this for myself. To free myself from this lonely trauma, and not to convince or sway anyone into believing what they do not wish to know.
I am feeling very vulnerable and exposed, add to that the fact of today being 9/11 and I am amazed that I manage to be so calm and collected.
Brent, I know just how you feel, I think. I scarcely recognize myself or my life these days. And for me that's a really good thing, since the life I had, like the one you describe seemed centered on protecting the secret at all costs.
It's startling to see how much of a habit it has gotten to be for me to instinctively sacrifice my health and well being in the name of "protecting" those people who love me from the "truth".
They say the truth will set us free.....So far, that's what's happening to me.
It's exciting, but strangely frightening.
I certainly am glad to have this place to come to . Thanks, guys.
Your story was numbing for me to read. It made me feel so terribly sad and at the same time angry. Sad because I can relate to your acceptance of what happened and the self blame that you attached to yourself. Anger because Perps all seem to have the same mission in life and radar tuned for guys like us. We were vulnerable and they preyed on it.
I am feeling very vulnerable and exposed, add to that the fact of today being 9/11 and I am amazed that I manage to be so calm and collected.
I scarcely recognize myself or my life these days. And for me that's a really good thing, since the life I had,eemed centered on protecting the secret at all costs.
It's startling to see how much of a habit it has gotten to be for me to instinctively sacrifice my health and well being in the name of "protecting" those people who love me from the "truth".
Danny you will never be vulnerable in my eyes. You are very very brave. Yeh the secret was one all of us carried and hid because it was a dirty secret. God how well they trained us.
Your last comment could be me except that in hiding it from those I loved I also made life miserable for them.
I am truly proud of you my brother for what you have done.
Wow, you are a brave soul! I hope that all of the replies you receive are positive and life affirming, but if not, please remember that there are people here who can and will honor the truth. You're setting a great example for us, so if you feel a need for some support yourself, let us help.
I went through a flurry of activity this past summer, telling family and disclosing my full name, etc. It did feel good, and I hope you feel at least as good about the power you have reclaimed. This is "recovery," the taking back.
It's been 7 days since I sent the email telling at least part of my story of being sexually abused to family, friends and members of my faith.
So far, the friends have been unanimously supportive or silent. One of my best friends simply said he didn't know what to say, so he didn'nt say anything. I thought "Gee, how about I'm sorry that happened to you?". Then realized too that I have lived my whole life with this crap and it must seem pretty overwhelming to someone just learning of it.
I got a very kind and loving letter from my sister-in-law. She said that she began to cry after reading the letter and that the fact that I had kept my compassion for others made her reapect and admire me.
My fellow Baha'is have been silent; upset that I wrote to them about this abuse that occurred in the context of my faith; or have said that they could not read what I had written as it seemed like it might be too upsetting.
Af first I was able to rationalize a reaction to all of this, but then I realized that I was kind of pissed off at the people who said that they didn't know what to say---like I'm sorry is hard to come up with? Also pissed off at the people who said it upset them and then complained about it or said that they could not read it because it was too difficult. How great that they have a chance to say know to this experience-----even no to reading about it.
I didn't have that choice; it's not just a story to me, it's my whole fucking life that's been comsumed by this crap and it really makes me angry when I think of how much I've wasted trying to keep this bullshit a secret and know that I finally, after years of agonizing over talking about it, I finally get the courage to speak and write publicly about it and these friends of mine are too upset to READ about it? To busy to know how to respond?
I know that I'm doing this for myself and I'm doing all I can to let go of the results as far as changing other people, but I'm human and I do experience a variety of emotions. I'm also profoundly moved by the unconditional love and support that I have gotten from my friends.
This place, MS, has been the most consistent source of love and support during this last week.
Guys here have reminded me how courageous it is to speak out loud about what is seen as shameful and worthy of secrecy in our culture. My buddies at Male?Survivor have loved me and encouraged me all along the way and I appreciate you men so much for that. Complete strangers in some ways, you guys have loved me more than my own friends and family.
I felt a little doubtful at first about what I had done by sending this out. Since then, I've wavered back and forth, not so much about sending it, but more aboutto whom it was sent and how it was sent.
Sort of like worrying about which stationery to use to send thank you notes after being rescued from the Titanic.......hardly seems like a primary concern.
And yet I have and will have I'm sure my moments of serious doubts, that this perhaps was the wrong thing to do.
It seems to me and I dreamed it last night that I am going to leave my faith over this and I cannot imagine what life will be without it. And yet I cannot imagine continuing to live with it either.
I can only hope and pray that God will find a way. Because for me right now, that seems an impossible task.
I'll see my therapist today and will check with him about the next steps to take. Part of me wants to just wait and see what happens, which I think could be a good idea. But part of me is afraid of "waiting to see what they do" as doing that seems to put me back as a victim.
Just an update on how it's going for me. I feel lighter and more happy than in many years, but the old habits of worrying and being fearful are still there too.
My buddy, Joe, pointed out to me that I had used my full name, first and last, when I posted my story. It hadn't occurred to me that I had done that, bgt evidently there's a part of me that's not afraind of disclousre nor confrontation.
I'm doing to keep in touch with that source of inner strength. That's what comes from here and you all. That's what will get me through this.
Remember, as you yourself said, you are doing this for you and that is all that matters.
If some cannot handle it that is their problem not yours and never will be.
You are right in that you think it is overwhelming to some. In times like that I know that I am toungtied and do not know what. The emotion of reading it would be incredible and there is an inner fear by the reader, I think, that does not want to say the wrong thing and so they do nothing.
Danny, I think that sometimes when a person says that they could not read it, because it was too disturbing, they mean that the horror is so great that they find it impossible to read about something like that happening to someone they know.
Sometimes, it might be possible to read abiout a boy who was abused. But not a boy that they knew. So, I think their comments can be positive. Especially, if you know them to be sensitive and compassionate people.
I read all of the stories. But, I do cry. And I do take some time off after something that just hurts too much. But, I always complete the story, and feel honored that they entrusted their story to us.
It took lots of courage for you to write about what you endured. Some others do not have that kind of courage, even to read of it.
I suspect anyone who reads it will love you all the more, AND feel some powerful anger that you were so harmed and violated.
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