Disclosing to friend equals anger and hurt??

Disclosing to friend equals anger and hurt??
B

Bigfoot

New Registrant
Hi,
This is my first post; although I have been reading the posts for a while.
First let me say that this forum has opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone.
Thank you all so much for your posts!

I recently told my best friend about my abuse and he was fairly supportive at first...
Today we got in a big fight when I told him I didn't know the if abuse happened because I was frozen by fear or I allowed it to happen because the guy implied I would get money out of this. I was twelve at the time of the abuse.
My friend said, "There's a big difference between the two reasons. If someone grabed my dick at 12 years old I would have kicked his ass...etc,etc"
I was so hurt by his implication that if I wasn't frozen in fear, then it was my fault.
I told him it didn't matter if I agreed, liked it, was greedy, or afraid. The abuse happened, I was twelve, and at twelve the adult should be protecting me, not offering money to let him touch me. I was lured with no intentions of my own, and if not for the abuser, would not have done any of this.
My hurt turned to anger and I told him I can't talk about the abuse anymore with him because he just doesn't get it.
Is there anything I can tell my friend of more than twenty years that might help him understand???
 
Hi! Print out the Myths about sexual abuse of boys--it is on our front page. Then give him that to read.

Bob
 
Hey, Bigfoot,

I've had similar experiences with a friend and a relative. Beyond the, "fuckem'" phrase, there is always the direct approach: tell them that this is a sensitive issue with you and you would appreciate some understanding, not bravado.
This happened to you and that you are trying to deal with it in as reponsible a way that you can. You would appreciate some understanding from them, but if they can't you would also understand that they may have to put your friendship on hold until you can get a handle on your life. With them or without them you will be dealing with issues that may too difficult for them to handle.
I know that may sound pretty harsh, but I've actually had to talk to a brother-in-law and a best friend in that manner.

Good luck to you, BF,
Welcome to the clubhouse,

David
 
Bigfoot,

I've learned that not all friends are created equal. Some get it, some don't; some are supportive, some aren't. I told one of my long time friends that I was sexually abused when I was 11, and his first response was 'Cool, who was she?'. I didn't tell him any more about it and I don't talk about it with him. He doesn't get it and I don't feel like educating him right now, maybe someday, but not now. The idea of printing out the myths and facts from the opening page of malesurvivor.org is very good. That way there it is in the open. If he reads it and wants to talk, maybe... In the meantime surround yourself with supportive people who understand. This is a great place to start.

It doesn't matter what the situation was, you were 12 and were sexually manipulated by an adult. The perpetrators had all sorts of ways to gain our trust, to manipulate us, to get us where they wanted us to be, to make us feel like we willingly participated, to make us fearful, to make us feel responsible. It's just not true. We were lied too by someone who should have been there protecting us.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
If your friend ever has 12 year old son, I hope nothing ever happens to him. What lack of support you seemed to have from him.

Maybe it is that he is not able to deal with such a sensitive, upsetting thing, and feels he needs to be so macho of it. Or maybe it does the 'strike a nerve' thing, and maybe something similar happened with him, something that he was not able to stop either? I do not know.

There are some people who will never totally understand or be able to support such things. I hope that your friend will 'come around' to understanding, but please do not allow yourself to be hurt by him. Do not expect so much from him, and you will not be disappointed.

I wish you luck.

leosha
 
Your friend is being an asshole. Its not his fault, but its not yours either. My friend alan did the same thing when i told him about my mother abusing me, he freaked.

Think about it. twelve year old boy with an abusive background and phobic response has miraculous and spontanious recovery, defeats pedophile nearly twice his age and weight in hand to hand combat. Your not going to find that headline in the papers, because it doesnt happen. If anything about sexual abuse made sense, it would make sense to be angry with your friend. But probably your too hurt to feel angry, so just try and remember he is being a jerk, but it is only because he has been condtioned by society to believe in all the macho BS you see on TV and in magazines.
 
Unfortunately, its true that we have to pick and choose whom we tell and sometimes it doesn't work the way it should.

I still don't feel safe telling my partner any of the particulars and we have known each other for 18 years. There are only five people that I have felt safe telling about the abuse and then not right away.

I agree that the guy you told is an asshole for responding the way he did. He is ignorant of the truth of these things. I just don't get how people still blame kids for the bad things that happen to them. In an abusive situation it is the person with the power that is responsible and between adults and children, adults always have the power.

B.
 
Bigfoot; Take Bob's advice. If he does not get it after that I think that maybe he is not quite the friend you thought he was.

Additionally you might want to, after he reads the myth, explain the setting when it happened to you. Like why you felt helpless and alone.

Glad you are here with us.

All your brothers here understand
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top