disaster

[beccy]

I know what you mean about it being scary.....
My worry is that my bf has never been promiscuous,(at least not that I know) so surely that's going to become a huge temptation?.....kind of like he's going to want all the freedom to be free and crazy like he never did.

who knows..

I still have the pervading feeling he's lying to me about something/s....it's driving me crazy really...I'm still snooping around, checking phone bills/bank statements etc. I hate myself for it, but there you go,

take care ,
Beccy


peace

 

[SAR]

Brokenhearted,

I said the same thing to my partner-- I would rather see you healed and happy without me than stay with me and stay the way you are right now. Of course I hoped that he could find some healing and happiness AND stay with me at the same time.

When I said it though, it was right after I'd discovered his acting out and I was not sure if I was going to leave him. I wanted him to know that I cared for him and his future happiness, and would always be willing to offer what support I could, but not to the point that I was risking my own health or sanity-- and that I expected him to treat himself with that same care.

I was afraid that he would get "too healthy" for me and leave... that because he "chose" our relationship when he was so broken, he would naturally come to see it as an unhealthy choice and a part of what he had to leave behind in order to heal.

Maybe there are relationships like this. Certainly we both made a ton of unhealthy choices in the years before his disclosure. However, our relationship was MORE than that... something was good at the roots and we were able to remove what was unhealthy without the whole thing dying.

When I shared these fears with him, he said, Why I want to leave the only person I've ever been able to tell?

Which is nice, but I think the key to our staying together is the part where we removed what was unhealthy AND replaced it with better things.

It's just like going on a diet-- you can't just say, I won't eat the junk, and then eat nothing where you'd previously been eating junk. You'll starve to death, or more likely you'll return to the junk. You have to substitute healthy, nutritious food for the junk, so that you aren't hungry for the things that hurt you anymore. Most of us never learned how to feed relationships with anything nutritious.