Disappointment with God

[BelovedSon]

How do I make sense of it all. My story screams that I was forsaken. But Jesus came and died for me to speak a different story over me. He too suffered - suffered in ways I can’t comprehend. How much does his suffering answer my questions: ‘Is God good?’ ‘Can God be trusted?”

But he didn’t act. He stayed hidden. When I needed him most he didn’t come through. Why? I felt alone, so terribly alone. I was a scared 8-year-old boy overwhelmed by what was happening to me. Why didn’t God act to stop my greatest shame? I was too little to stop it. I was too scared to know what to do. The shames seems too much to bear. The damage feels too much for God to repair.

I know that God too knows what it is to be disappointed. Over and over he anguished and grieved over being rejected. He wants to be loved but suffers so much rejection. And he stepped into the story to be vulnerable like I was and to suffer so much more rejection and scorn.

I read the reasons for His inaction. But those reasons do nothing to heal the ache in my heart. The abuse hurt so much; but God’s inaction feels like an even greater violation. If God will not come through for me in my moment of greatest need, in whom can I trust?

God seems to be always holding back and staying hidden from view. But he slid quietly into the story through a manager in Bethlehem. And 33 years later he rose in decisive victory. But victory over what? Evil still seems to reign - at least for an 8-year-old-boy alone in a basement with a teenager.

I heard someone say that “sometimes we can have understanding and Jesus. But many times we can only have Jesus.” Am I willing to stop asking why and and "settled" for Jesus? Is that faith or is that ignorance?

What do I do with a God who suffered so much for me but seemed to do nothing to prevent my own?

 

[Visitor]

A Jewish friend mentioned at a 12 Step meeting that a great Rabbi had recently died and I did a search to find who that might be. Jonathan Sacks was Rabbi for Great Britain at one time and was made Lord by the Queen. I watched a few videos to familiarize myself with him and came across this one that focuses not on sexual trauma, but rather where God was during the Holocaust. It might speak to you Greg. I found his words deeply moving. If you don't know Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning, you might want to check it out. Your question is profound and finding an answer with which you can live is important... I say that as a Buddhist, neither Jewish nor Christian, but respectful of both traditions. The search for meaning really belongs to all trauma survivors.

 

[Ferguson]

Thank you for your thoughts Greg. I identify with this struggle.
Heaven help us to let go of anything that stops us seeing The Maker as He really is.
I have to believe He is good but that has been challenged so much over the last 10 years.
"To whom else shall we go?" He does as He pleases!

Joseph wanted to feel the love of his father Jacob but was separated from him for years. Jacob longed to be with Joseph but had to wait according to a long term plan. I believe that the love we are waiting for will come in time but for His purposes it does sometimes take a long time.

Refining/Correction is not pleasant and may last years - especially if, like me, we resist His correction by addiction to powerful things that push away the change He wants to bring us.

Take what helps - leave the rest.

Many blessings

Ferguson

 

[Pollux]

How do I make sense of it all. My story screams that I was forsaken. But Jesus came and died for me to speak a different story over me. He too suffered - suffered in ways I can’t comprehend. How much does his suffering answer my questions: ‘Is God good?’ ‘Can God be trusted?”

But he didn’t act. He stayed hidden. When I needed him most he didn’t come through. Why? I felt alone, so terribly alone. I was a scared 8-year-old boy overwhelmed by what was happening to me. Why didn’t God act to stop my greatest shame? I was too little to stop it. I was too scared to know what to do. The shames seems too much to bear. The damage feels too much for God to repair.

I know that God too knows what it is to be disappointed. Over and over he anguished and grieved over being rejected. He wants to be loved but suffers so much rejection. And he stepped into the story to be vulnerable like I was and to suffer so much more rejection and scorn.

I read the reasons for His inaction. But those reasons do nothing to heal the ache in my heart. The abuse hurt so much; but God’s inaction feels like an even greater violation. If God will not come through for me in my moment of greatest need, in whom can I trust?

God seems to be always holding back and staying hidden from view. But he slid quietly into the story through a manager in Bethlehem. And 33 years later he rose in decisive victory. But victory over what? Evil still seems to reign - at least for an 8-year-old-boy alone in a basement with a teenager.

I heard someone say that “sometimes we can have understanding and Jesus. But many times we can only have Jesus.” Am I willing to stop asking why and and "settled" for Jesus? Is that faith or is that ignorance?

What do I do with a God who suffered so much for me but seemed to do nothing to prevent my own?

Thanks for posting this; I have the same feelings...

 

[Billy5]

Sometimes, I question why God allowed the abuse to happen to me, other days I feel strong in my faith and tell myself that God has it all in his hands and everything has a purpose towards accomplishing his divine will (even allowing bad things to happen at times). As my emotions swing up and down so does my faith in God. I am sure he is tired of me for he said that he would not have me to waiver. I keep asking God's forgiveness for my unbelief on a daily basis. Maybe he will forgive me and take me to be with him one day soon.

 

[My_Mayberry]

I watched a few videos to familiarize myself with him and came across this one that focuses not on sexual trauma, but rather where God was during the Holocaust.

Visitor, I appreciate you sharing this video. There's a film about the Holocaust that takes a much less sympathetic stance toward God called God on Trial. The key difference is that the rabbi in the film holds God accountable for God's covenant, and if God does not uphold God's end of the covenant, then that's on God. The film literally puts God on trial for God's absence during the Holocaust. In the end, the rabbi admits God was guilty of abandoning God's covenant based on the trial, then when he is asked what they should do as they are all facing their impending death, he says, "We pray." The prayer itself holds God accountable to the covenant even if God has abandoned it.

I can't answer the questions you've posed, Greg. I do think I'll say what I've said before - if ever I find myself with God after this life, I'll be asking God these tough questions directly. I've already shared with God that I will not be letting God off the hook for the times where I was suffering the most and God seemed completely absent. I will want to know if God was able to create this enormously fantastic cosmos, how come God did not intervene in the church that night for me and for anyone other young soul throughout the life of the church who found themselves in that same petrifying place. Such an intervention would seem so easy for a creator of the entire cosmos.

I don't say this with an agenda of being anti-God or even necessarily angry at God. I just really do believe we are allowed to put God on trial too. For Abrahamic traditions, It's biblically sound to do so, if that matters. I intend to follow in that tradition, as I've done here on earth in my own prayers with God, and as I would do if God really does exist and I one day find myself meeting God.

I doubt this provides any comfort. It's not really intended to. However, this view/approach does allow me to feel empowered, and I suspect if we have a benevolent God, God would indeed prefer that we feel empowered after being hurt in the ways in which we have been hurt. However, if there is indeed a God and God would not prefer us to feel empowered by holding God accountable to these questions, then I'm not certain that I would wish to spend time with that type of god.

I think after all my studies, I've personally landed on accepting that God is not "all powerful" if God exists, or else God doesn't exist at all.

 

[BelovedSon]

Thanks to all of you for the replies.

@My_Mayberry It is very helpful. I have found incredible strength knowing that I am not alone wrestling with this and so many other aspects of our abuse.

I do believe God exists and am coming to believe that in a way he is not "all powerful". I am about half way through the book "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey. He speaks about our disappointments with God trying to address why he allows crappy things to happen while honoring the depth of our disappointment. Mr. Yancey's perspective is that above all God wants to love and be loved and that requires that he limit himself.

The Christian tradition is fairly remarkable in its assertion that God stepped into the mess and joined us in the suffering. I don't know if Christianity is unique in that view of God but it is pretty remarkable nonetheless. One thing I like (and which also drives me crazy) about the Christian faith is that so much of it seems irreconcilable. It is not a neat and tidy religion. So much of my faith seems contradictory. For example, somehow it is true God will never forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and it is also true that he did nothing to help me in that basement. I don't mean this to be pithy. Rather my faith is quite difficult to grasp but I will continue to try and grasp it.

@Visitor my counselor said that Man's Search for Meaning is the most powerful book he has read. He has repeatedly encouraged me to read it. However, I have shied away from most things Holocaust as I just can't bear the weight of those horrors. I hope to be in a stronger place one day to read and receive what that book has to offer.

@Ferguson I believe in the restoration of all things when that which was lost will be restored (Matthew 18:11). I don't believe that this is the way God intended for things to be. And while he may be taking too long to make things right I do believe he will do it.

@Billy5 Sadly I think we are way harder on ourselves than God is. I think God is gracious to me. What I really believe is that his primary posture toward me is disappointment. So I am trying to believe what I say I believe.