dis-couraged newbie

dis-couraged newbie
K

kalimi

Registrant
hi guys, i am 57 years old, and new to this site. i started counseling when i was 12. i have been involved with spiritual practices for 35 years.
80% of my life has felt like paddling upstream in a leaky boat.
i thought it would get better. it didn't. instead, i just got older, and tired-er and less resiliant.
i am tired of trying. prescription drugs, therepists, seminars, meditation, groups etc. etc. etc.
i was at a male survivors weekend maybe a decade ago and the leader told me i could "thrive". well that word hadn't even been in my vocabulary.
i believed him. and tried "everything"
well, i ain't thriving.
alone, unemployed, over weight, tv and food addict, and little hope for the future.
but enough hope, that i am writing here.
i would like to hear from others in similar situations.
i don't respond to "hang in there, it will get better" or "try this, this will help"
i feel like a little comisseration at this point might "help" thanks for listening. bob
 
Bob,

No one actually "knows" your situation or can peg exactly how you feel. Only you can do that. What do you fear? What do you miss or think you need? Food, alcohol, drugs, sexual adventures, pep talks: of course all of that just doesn't cut it. You haven't responded because you haven't heard what you needed to hear. What is that?

We all support each other here and we will support you as much as we can. But ultimately the real answers to the real questions have to be yours, not ours. We can and will listen and respond, but our main task I guess is to encourage you to see that whatever you need, it is within your power and ability alone to identify it and recover it. All we can do us urge you along the way; the way itself is something that you have to discover within yourself.

So what can we offer in real terms? We believe you, we trust you, we understand the feelings you have in so far as we have them ourselves.

Mainly: you are not alone.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hello, Bob.

So nevermind what you want to hear - what do you want to say? You can say anything you want here, and nobody will judge. We on this board may not all be in the same boat exactly, but we're anchored in the same harbor if you catch my drift*.

When most people join here, they usually start a thread explaining a little about themselves (without explaining too much, of course). It establishes a baseline, sort of, so people here know how to approach you - I think it's very useful. So, give us something to work with.


* - Two bad puns in a row; I think I may have gone overboard...
 
Bob
I guess some guys just don't respond to the "hey, you'll get over it" approach, and that's understandable, we're all different.

So I won't preach to you, and neither will I bullshit you. All I would say is that many guys do recover their lives, I have to a great degree. It ain't easy but it's a fact.
I can't bottle it and sell it either, I wish I could. All I can offer is support, encouragement and some benefit of experience.

That can often sound like 'preaching' I know, but it's not offered in that way at all, and I would say that anything offered by guys here is offered with the best intentions, and never intended to be patronizing.

I've learned more about my recovery from interacting with other survivors than anything else I've done in the last few years. Knowing that there is someone else out there feeling the same way I do has been so vital to me that I know 100% I couldn't have come so far without it.
And it's these guys here that have been my backbone.

Give us a try Bob, we talk straight and make false promises. Isn't that a good start?

Dave
 
Hi and welcome to the site Bob, its a good site with lots of good people. Thriving would be a bit optimistic for how I am but there have been improvements for me. Sorry to hear that things have not got better for you despite your efforts.
Welcome again.
Peter.
 
"Thrive", is that the same as "eating out of garbage cans"? I had to look that one up. Thrive 1: to grow vigorously : do well 2:to gain in wealth or possesions : prosper, flourish. We've been doing alot of complaining around here lately, but we've got some cool stuff. Cars, houses, a new buisness venture, and the pressures that go with it. But the more you have, the more you have to mantain. I've been thinking for a long time though, that true, true happiness is going to wait untill heaven when it's all made right. I do believe that, but to thrive, here, now..... seems somehow that would have to involve helping others. This stinkin' ball and chain that's been around my ankle, that has caused me to limp for... let's see now, gonna be thirty years pretty soon, has somehow got to be tied to redemption. If we can be transparent with each other, I do believe we can be free and then some. Sounds thrivey. Welcome. Dan
 
Bob
unemployed, over weight, tv and food addict,
Click to expand...
I am just like you Bob however I do have hope for the furture. WHY, because I have seen others here make it. I know our lives can change.
Tom
 
Bob,

we do get through, we always did.
You did, and you are here.

I cant say my life is great, but nor is it on the total bottom of where I have been.

The opposite to you, I am underweight, watch no TV, but I overindulge in other areas.

What I do try to do, is make healthy choices of getting out, and sticking to hobbies etc., its not easy but hope it gets easier.

ste
 
hey saw you in chat last night ,you didn't have to leave you know ,chat is a good way to get answers realtime . like pink floyd said all you have to do is keep talking . hope you stick around adam
 
hi guys, just reading your responses and knowing you care, helps. i feel less alone. (btw is this where i post my response to your responses or do i start a new post)
larry, you said only i can know what i need. unfortunately, i no longer trust my decisions about myself. i have to make the best ones anyway, because "no decision" is a decision. the chronic depression et.al.,has left me feeling whatever i do will be a mistake. (although i feel positive about joining this site)
milliferal, is there something specific you need to know about me to feel more comfortable chatting? both my abuse and my life would probably fall in the mid range based on all the other survivors stories i have heard.
dave , or anyone, what is the difference between member, guest member, and new here (i know i am new here, but when do i become not new)
adam, i will check out the chat room again.
thank you all again for your responses. i look forward to more contact. bob
 
Originally posted by kalimi:

milliferal, is there something specific you need to know about me to feel more comfortable chatting? both my abuse and my life would probably fall in the mid range based on all the other survivors stories i have heard.
Click to expand...
No no no...what I meant was, I'm curious as to whether there's anything special -you- think we need to know about you - not about your abuse, necessarily, but in a more general sense. For instance, you explained that you don't respond well to mere chirps like "Hang in there", or suggestions for courses of action. Why not, specifically? Is it the words themselves? I, for one, tend to dislike such things also - it seems shallow and throw-away to me. I also dislike people with no frame of reference telling me "I know how you feel" without backing it up somehow. Whether intended as such or not, it just feels like so much condescension. Is this pretty much the way you feel as well?

Don't worry about being drab, or "average". My abuse (in my opinion) was fairly lightweight compared to most here, but that really doesn't matter.
 
Hey There.

This is my first post. I registered here for similar reasons. I've been in and out of therapy for many years, worked in group therapy with adult male surviviors, read countless books and have worked at healing religiously. And I feel better than when I started and I try and hold onto that. But I, too, am tired. And I STILL have excruciating social anxiety and self esteem issues that effect me. I think it keeps me from getting hired (currently unemployed and swimming in debt). I don't know what's next for me to do and I'm feeling a little resigned that this is how it is for the rest of my days. And the encouragement of "Look how far you've come" or "hang in there" doesn't cut it for me either. I can't seem to find that thing that will break thru. Reading your post helped me feel like I was not alone. Maybe that's a start.
So thank you for coming here and expressing yourself. Expression maybe isn't "the cure", but I think it sure is a key.
 
bear, thanks for your comments, about 6 months ago i felt like i "broke". like a piece of metal that had been bent and straightened repeatedly until one day you go to straighten it and it breaks. after that, i too felt resigned to my fate. coming here is the small part of me that hasn't. since just talking with someone in the same situation is one thing i haven't done. so i look forward to getting to know you better.
i know i have buried anger and grief (in spite of all that counseling) and i am feeling so pathetic at the moment that i don't even want to try to make any new friends. but another being who understands and shares some of what i feel, might be nice. bob
 
Hey, guys, glad you're here. (Well, not really, but you know what I mean.) Guess I got in on this thread a little late. I used to get really upset with myself for being a "slow healer?". I used to scared to death that someone was going to trip my guilt meter by telling me to just get on with things and quit feeling sorry for myself. Then I decided that I couldn't listen to those things....I had to heal (or not) at my own pace. It has been slow, I think, but, if I hadn't had this place to talk to people....and out loud to myself a lot....I wouldn't have gotten anywhere at all. No therapist can let you see yourself in so many other men and learn by doing that how much worth you have and how strong you have been just to stay alive. Gradually, while being amazed at them, I have been able to try to see that I have some of those qualities, too. Even the ones that I have always hated about myself aren't so bad when I find out that someone here that I really admire feels the same way I do and is living with it. All of a sudden it's not that bad at all. It's just simply a part of who I am, and I can live with it and deal with it. That in itself has been so amazing to me.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I haven't changed that much really. I've just been able, through these men here, to see myself in a different light, and to accept who I am as good, and to accept the things that have happened, and to understand the pain. I'm still not there. I'm still a slow healer. I've got a long way to go. But, I can look back now....I have a "back" to look back at. I didn't before. Sometimes I'm amazed at just that. When it hurts so bad and I think I can't go on.....and that still happens....I really can see some progress.

Talk here and let it all go and say all of the horrible things you ever wanted to say. Life really stinks sometimes and it really helps to say that and to not have to say "Oh, I'm okay. I'll make it. I'll get along." Bull shit. I feel awful. Life sucks. Why in the world do I put up with this shit? This isn't my fault..... all of those things are true. But the more you say them, and the more it's okay to say them, and the more someone knows how true those statements are for you and lets you say them and even wants to hear them if that's what you need, the less power they have over you.

This is a good place. You are good people. Life has been bad. But it really can get better here, if only because someone understands....really understands....what you have been and are going through.

Bobby
 
Hi Bob,

Welcome to the board. The guys here are great. They are very supportive, nonjudgemental and loving.

You are obviously having a very difficult time and I am sure it is frustrating, dissappointing, discouraging etc. I think what is important for each of us is that we know we are not alone. And this board will show you if it has not, that you are not alone.

It has been my own personal experience and my observational experience that as a result of the sexual abuse we each have had we forget who we truly are. We replace the idea that we are love (if you will) with the false idea/belief that we are not worthy of love, that we are not worthy at all. Personally the that idea, belief had become very strong for me and I that is what I had become, a person not worhty of love. It is unfortunate that we or anyone does this. This is such a difficult thing to get out of. It is a very harsh, and unforgiving cycle.

You will find your way, I have no doubt. You have already started to find it by finding this board. For every one it is something different. There are other guys here that have gone thru therapy and feeling like nothing has changed. I personally have not gone thru traditional therapy but have worked with my spiritual mentors.

It is important for me to let you know that you are loved, you are worthy of love and you are not alone. Until you can believe that for yourself, I will hold that in conciousness for you because it is pure truth!

Love, light and peace

Dominic
 
Bob, I have run 18 marathons (yes, they were all 26 .2 miles). And dispite all the good intentions of the spectators, after mile 20 you look like shit. You hurt, you're bloody, you're exhausted, you have no idea how you will finish. All of those people on the sidelines are cheering for you because they want to hopefully add that one element of encouragement that gets you to the finish line.

And as much as I curse underneath my breath (because I am too tired to speak loudly) someone in the crowds will say something or do something that helps me look inside for that untapped reservoir of energy to go that next mile.

The answers are hidden inside of you. We are here for you as you go through this war. There is only one way to complete this race, it is by lacing up your shoes, standing at the start line with your heart pounding, running a smart race (which means running at your pace and no one elses) and, then at the end, just putting your head down and saying to your selve, I will win. I will not stop. These friends are here to try to motivate me, but it is MY RACE AND I WILL FINISH IN MY OWN TIME.

I do not care if I have to crawl on my hands and knees, I will finish!

Just a few thoughts.

Have a great day!

Danny
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top