Dirty / Clean!!!!
I had a pronounced feeling of being dirty after being molested and raped. For good reasons. Both were in summer. After being molested I got sick and didn’t get a shower for 12 hours after walking the last 3 or 4 in the heat. Though I didn’t get sick after the rapes, I didn’t have a chance to clean myself until the next evening.
But it was more then caked on dirt. This was something inside me. Their filth was pushed into my pores. It became part of me. Or so it felt. A lot of it was being encrusted in shame. A shamed of how I felt about the events. I hated that I was hurt and confused and scared.
I became obsessive with hygiene but couldn’t dhake the crusty feelings that I. Was dirty snd smelled.
I had to say all that because today I feel clean, wholly alive and washed!
I shared a gross, graphic description of what happened to me with my trainer. The way I told it, doesn’t hide anything.
I thought I needed something from him. I don’t really. What I needed was to respect my pain as valid. By sharing it I am saying how horrendous it was. I am putting it outside of me. No apologies or requests to understand. I did this firmly holding my pain as valid.
I am clean.
But it was more then caked on dirt. This was something inside me. Their filth was pushed into my pores. It became part of me. Or so it felt. A lot of it was being encrusted in shame. A shamed of how I felt about the events. I hated that I was hurt and confused and scared.
I became obsessive with hygiene but couldn’t dhake the crusty feelings that I. Was dirty snd smelled.
I had to say all that because today I feel clean, wholly alive and washed!
I shared a gross, graphic description of what happened to me with my trainer. The way I told it, doesn’t hide anything.
I thought I needed something from him. I don’t really. What I needed was to respect my pain as valid. By sharing it I am saying how horrendous it was. I am putting it outside of me. No apologies or requests to understand. I did this firmly holding my pain as valid.
I am clean.
