Dilemma *triggers*

Healing light

Registrant
I'm in a bit of a difficult point in my journey admitting a few things to myself , accepting something's that have occurred and I find myself in a place that I have many times before.
Stuck with feelings regarding someone so I'm going to write this out

He was a friend of my cousin ( perp) , I'm not sure how they met he was older than him he must be about 20 years older than me , he was a big bloke , worked out alot
He was really confident , people was scared of him , I was. But he was always nice to me , really complimented me I can't say he were ever nasty to me , but I had seen what he was capable of.
As I say he was really nice to me when I was 13 my cousin would send me alone to collect or drop things off with him before that he was always with me I don't know why that changed maybe because my cousin trusted him
I was wary and he tried to make me feel at ease , I was flattered I admit by some of the things he said and then one time he asked if I could give him a hand with a job he offered me a good price for a days work , my father had died and my mam worked hard but the cash flow wasnt enough sometimes.
my sister needed some shoes I remember the ones she got from the money actually really vivid
He spoke to me like we was equal , but I was 13 , he was a father , divorced at the time though I didn't think about that I was pleased he wanted me to work for him even though the job was hard graft lifting and carrying things , he behaved like we was mates , he started talking through the day about girls and sex I wasn't used to that I didn't actually know nothing about girls or sex. Certainly I didn't know about the majority of what he said and he could tell and that I was shy , it was a hard day's work I was tired but as promised he gave me the money he then asked if I wanted to get cleaned up and he'd get us some food and hang out a while he showed me upstairs above his works I'd never been in there he didn't live there but it was a flat there was a sofa bed in one room , we showered I went in first locked the door I were really nervous but when he didn't come in there I relaxed a bit , as we had food he started on about muscles and how you need to warm them up but also relax them after using them he offered a massage I nervously accepted I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen , I admit to really liking the attention , I'm not sure if I fancied him this I have been thinking over anyway he massaged my back , then wanted me to lay on my back then he was rubbing my chest and said he was attracted to me , that he fancied me. I didn't actually say anything but certain things had occurred that I thought made it obvious to me and him that I did and he stopped , handed me my t shirt and started chatting about how I could use his home gym anytime. I had been abused by many men in my life and this experience really confused me , all felt good . And he hadn't done anything like he hadn't touched me privates I thought he was going too , in fact I kinda wanted him too but he hadn't. I wondered if I were wrong for feeling how I did anyway
I went round to use the gym , not sure how long after , there was a couple of older lads already there but he were happy to see me and introduced me to the lads told them I had done a bit of work for him and was a good worker. Made me feel older than I actually was and way more mature than I actually was , these was the first month's I was allowed in to the town on my own , I was way out my comfort zone but was trying to be "one of the lads" I didn't fit in with my cousin's usually landed up with the girls playing or on my own but these was lads/ men and they wanted to know. Well he certainly did and everyone around him tended to agree with him. First time ever I felt cool , feels pathetic now anyway
Not sure how many times I went before the time when we was on our own , then he was saying stuff like I had been teasing him and flirting with him , if I fancied him it was ok because he fancied me but we couldn't tell the others because then we'd get stick about being gay. It made sense I didn't think he was covering his back I thought he was covering mine , I knew my cultures attitude at the time to being gay. I'm not sure if he did but I expect so. Anyway that day he did touch me but I wasn't scared none of it lasted very long and I was even more confused
I were just confused , I went along with what he did or wanted I kept going back many times of a few years in my teens , I have seen him since on occasions

In fact I went to see him only weeks ago I have no idea what I thought I would achieve or why I went I sat there cup of tea in hand that the nurses had given me , when I said hello he opened his eyes tried to focus them, he suffered a brain injury many many years ago now . He's less able than a 6 month old baby I have never been able to talk to him about the past , I'm still confused . He obviously has no idea I disclosed abuse in my family , i don't know if he knew my cousin abused me. There's tons of stuff I'd like to ask him I think I'm just about over the fact finally that he won't ever be able to if he even would want to answer the questions. I felt angry for the first time with him I finished my tea and left.
More confused than ever , about me and about my sexual identity.
I don't think he should of been sexual with me it was down to him he were the adult and I feel what happened has impacted and still does.

I'm struggling craving male affection , whilst trying to work on my relationship! And I feel guilty about it I love my family though I want it to work

Thanks for the safe place to write
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
(((HL)))
im glad you feel comfortable talking about this. theres a lot in there about feelings and responses that I can totally relate to. he groomed you and you were a kid. that's how it works and at the time they make it seem good and caring and helpful and enjoyable and above all that the perp and the victim are not only peers but also friends.
as far as meeting him in hospital, that takes guts, mate!
u are really working through a lot here. here for ya!
 

Healing light

Registrant
(((HL)))
im glad you feel comfortable talking about this.
as far as meeting him in hospital, that takes guts, mate!
u are really working through a lot here. here for ya!
Thanks I appreciate your post

This for whatever reason has been one of the hardest boxes to open and start sorting out

Peace
HL
 

Horizon

Registrant
(((( HL )))) Thank you so much for sharing this. What you said here was very powerful. And I get the going back. Even to the hospital. You are one of the bravest people I know. As you work through this, know we are here for you
 

Fitz

Registrant
I'm in a bit of a difficult point in my journey admitting a few things to myself , accepting something's that have occurred and I find myself in a place that I have many times before.
Stuck with feelings regarding someone so I'm going to write this out

He was a friend of my cousin ( perp) , I'm not sure how they met he was older than him he must be about 20 years older than me , he was a big bloke , worked out alot
He was really confident , people was scared of him , I was. But he was always nice to me , really complimented me I can't say he were ever nasty to me , but I had seen what he was capable of.
As I say he was really nice to me when I was 13 my cousin would send me alone to collect or drop things off with him before that he was always with me I don't know why that changed maybe because my cousin trusted him
I was wary and he tried to make me feel at ease , I was flattered I admit by some of the things he said and then one time he asked if I could give him a hand with a job he offered me a good price for a days work , my father had died and my mam worked hard but the cash flow wasnt enough sometimes.
my sister needed some shoes I remember the ones she got from the money actually really vivid
He spoke to me like we was equal , but I was 13 , he was a father , divorced at the time though I didn't think about that I was pleased he wanted me to work for him even though the job was hard graft lifting and carrying things , he behaved like we was mates , he started talking through the day about girls and sex I wasn't used to that I didn't actually know nothing about girls or sex. Certainly I didn't know about the majority of what he said and he could tell and that I was shy , it was a hard day's work I was tired but as promised he gave me the money he then asked if I wanted to get cleaned up and he'd get us some food and hang out a while he showed me upstairs above his works I'd never been in there he didn't live there but it was a flat there was a sofa bed in one room , we showered I went in first locked the door I were really nervous but when he didn't come in there I relaxed a bit , as we had food he started on about muscles and how you need to warm them up but also relax them after using them he offered a massage I nervously accepted I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen , I admit to really liking the attention , I'm not sure if I fancied him this I have been thinking over anyway he massaged my back , then wanted me to lay on my back then he was rubbing my chest and said he was attracted to me , that he fancied me. I didn't actually say anything but certain things had occurred that I thought made it obvious to me and him that I did and he stopped , handed me my t shirt and started chatting about how I could use his home gym anytime. I had been abused by many men in my life and this experience really confused me , all felt good . And he hadn't done anything like he hadn't touched me privates I thought he was going too , in fact I kinda wanted him too but he hadn't. I wondered if I were wrong for feeling how I did anyway
I went round to use the gym , not sure how long after , there was a couple of older lads already there but he were happy to see me and introduced me to the lads told them I had done a bit of work for him and was a good worker. Made me feel older than I actually was and way more mature than I actually was , these was the first month's I was allowed in to the town on my own , I was way out my comfort zone but was trying to be "one of the lads" I didn't fit in with my cousin's usually landed up with the girls playing or on my own but these was lads/ men and they wanted to know. Well he certainly did and everyone around him tended to agree with him. First time ever I felt cool , feels pathetic now anyway
Not sure how many times I went before the time when we was on our own , then he was saying stuff like I had been teasing him and flirting with him , if I fancied him it was ok because he fancied me but we couldn't tell the others because then we'd get stick about being gay. It made sense I didn't think he was covering his back I thought he was covering mine , I knew my cultures attitude at the time to being gay. I'm not sure if he did but I expect so. Anyway that day he did touch me but I wasn't scared none of it lasted very long and I was even more confused
I were just confused , I went along with what he did or wanted I kept going back many times of a few years in my teens , I have seen him since on occasions

In fact I went to see him only weeks ago I have no idea what I thought I would achieve or why I went I sat there cup of tea in hand that the nurses had given me , when I said hello he opened his eyes tried to focus them, he suffered a brain injury many many years ago now . He's less able than a 6 month old baby I have never been able to talk to him about the past , I'm still confused . He obviously has no idea I disclosed abuse in my family , i don't know if he knew my cousin abused me. There's tons of stuff I'd like to ask him I think I'm just about over the fact finally that he won't ever be able to if he even would want to answer the questions. I felt angry for the first time with him I finished my tea and left.
More confused than ever , about me and about my sexual identity.
I don't think he should of been sexual with me it was down to him he were the adult and I feel what happened has impacted and still does.

I'm struggling craving male affection , whilst trying to work on my relationship! And I feel guilty about it I love my family though I want it to work

Thanks for the safe place to write
This is a brave post, my friend. A lot of this resonates with me. My hat goes off to you for sharing this and your courage in working through this.
((( HL )))
 
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