Difficult Day

[KMCINVA]

A day that started out good--then I had an appointment with a potential client, confirmed the appointment went to the appointment about 25 miles away at their home. I arrived early and inspected the neighborhood to be knowledgeable for the listing. Well they were not home. In the past I would shrug it off, I sat in the car waiting, called and emailed not response. I slowly began to sink lower and lower. I had to leave and saw a park nearby. I got out ran to the bench and broke down. I felt as I did on Thanksgiving but did not want to give in again. I felt dejected and lonely like I did since the late 1990's. Why people I only have talked to on the phone, never met.

I came back to the office then went to the gym. I struggle at the gym these days, exhaustion and body fatigue. I could not even get a good feeling after cardio. I am so exhausted. My mind begins to hear things at times and so unfocused. I try to close my eyes but too much rushes back. Way too much.

Not sure why but I kept thinking I needed to make it until this weekend. My friend returns and maybe that will be the spark I need. I then begin to think it will be so short a few days, then away she goes for a few days and then returns for a couple of days. I have not had a constant in my life since the mid 1990's, feeling abandoned and alone for so long and then I was the one accused but I was not the one who left for decades.

 

[woodenshoes]

Kmcinva

Hang in there my friend. Think of your friend coming and the valuable time you will spend together. I sorry your potential customer was inconsiderate of your time. Kevin hope you have a very merry Christmas.

Ws

 

[focusedbody]

Kevin:

Just a thought about going to the gym.

I've had days when that was filled with various responses that were not particularly good or welcome.

Often the body follows the mind. But it also possible to nurture the body with the mind. So when things don't live up to an expectation, I try accepting the experience as a step towards some kind of deeper understanding. At some point, I have found myself able to return with more acute awareness of how to work in ways that nourish a sense of feeling whole and also more solid.

FB

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you guys. WS you are right I am trying to hang in there only a few days and thankfully I had the anticipation. I think it just hit me in a way I never expected, a no show by someone for an appointment. The old feelings are hard to lose.

FB at one time I could go to the gym and once I began I was great. Recently it is drudgery and the pain and exhaustion take over and I cannot come out of that sense of feeling. I try to push and the mind seems to control. I think the body is at physical exhaustion. Sleep seems so hard to find. Last night exhausted tossed and turned and the last hour I remembered was 5:12 am. I fell into a sleep and woke up scared at around 6:15 am. I had to get up, feeling afraid of myself and have saw what I saw in my head.

My friend, who I talked with last night, says I am in almost constant state of alert of believing I need to protect myself from peril--the abuser and tormentors. I see them pretty much in my head and what they did to me and I hear them. The doctor friend who I corresponded with last night says this is part of PTSD. He said the abuse is ingrained not because of the abuse but rather the deliberate and malicious triggers that I suffered for years. He said some were subtle, the message when abandoned with syncope that I was not worthy as the abuser said, to the physical offensive as well as the sense of intrusion on my personal life creating fear to the lies and stories told of my abuse to protect themselves and a family story. He said the dissociation is rooted in the abuse but controlled by the emotions and memories of the triggers that were mercilessly inflicted. He said the damage is two fold and the interdependency of both aspects need to be resolved and then separated. Once separated the root of each needs to explored and resolved. He said the triggers profoundly impacted and opened the doors for the abuse to take control of my life.

He stressed the importance of distancing myself from the people because they have deep emotional issues they need to resolve, some relate to me but more related to their own relationships within their family. He said their history going back at least another generation but probably further exemplifies their behavior and need to have someone be on the outside, someone they can isolate, push away or tease and mock and make the person leave or retreat from a situation, feel alone or abandoned to raise their own sense of worth. He went on to say when adults sanction such behavior and encourage children it stifles and distorts the child's emotional development. He said it is evident in their behaviors. He said their behaviors have aggravated the trauma and PTSD, that I am conditioned and fearful of words, interaction and hearing or reading of what they say or write because it lacks true substance and emotion. They are self focused only, creating a persona that puts them in a false place of being good and kind by violating and abandoning me over the decades. They shift the blame to me to avoid facing the truth for these needs. I understand his words but still struggle with resolving, separating and living. I also accept we are a product of our childhood to many extents and we need to resolve, including my CSA. Everyone thinks everyone else is the problem but I understand we all have baggage and contribute. As the doctor said many families pass behavior down for generations until it becomes too overwhelming to someone and then that generation is forced to face the past. He said when one examines the past the behaviors were evident and despite people laughing happiness was not a core of their life. He said words that are self promoting, self glorifying or egocentric of behavior or express and describe faults and inadequacies in material things or other people and then laugh are signs much is remiss in their lives. He said how they mock, tease or pretend a story to make someone look foolish are signs of bullying and he said many families live their lives this way, worshipping the bully because it is perceived as being funny. He said funny to everyone but the recipient and sadly many times the recipient does not know because it is done behind their backs. I think many live life this way. I just want everyone to get help and be well.

The doctor said sadly many people who cause the damage cannot or will not accept their "atypical" behavior is out of the ordinary. He says that is the reason for their need to lie and deny the behaviors because within them, they know and understand the devastation it has caused not only to me but to themselves. Interesting and I just said that does little to help me. He said, it should because I am not responsible for their behavior or their actions. More food for thought, and he leaves me with a banquet every time.

So much to the healing, seems so simple when explained but I cannot get there. I go to the gym with the hope of shifting the mind by releasing the endorphins--the happy chemicals of the brain.

Another day is here and I wish I could just close my eyes to blankness.

Kevin

 

[focusedbody]

He said the damage is two fold and the interdependency of both aspects need to be resolved and then separated. Once separated the root of each needs to explored and resolved.

Kevin:

This makes sense to me. There are a lot of similar articulations of this problem I have found in different contexts.

Taking a little time with each damage and reflecting on how it behaves in the present, has helped me consider ways in which the different experiences seem to depend on each other. The more each experience is appreciated for its role in my trying to grow, the less it seems to ravel into others or need to. It's as if the many dimensions of life that tend to imprison us seem to relax their associating power.

FB

 

[KMCINVA]

FB

It is so hard when one triggers the other. Sadly, it is all memories except when I hear from someone the lies of my abuse expressed by those who created the negative and linking memories to the abuse. I am thinking about your words and they make sense. Sometimes I think I try to tackle each aspect of the abuse and unraveling individually instead of accepting the compounding and interrelationship of each to each other. I had been doing well but this emotional sense of panic, physical exhaustion do not give me the strength to focus but rather fall apart. Maybe I need to hit rock bottom and I thought I had--I guess maybe wishful thinking and the worse is upon me.

I will try to examine how the different experiences depend on each other. Thank you.

Kevin

 

[KMCINVA]

Blood pressure so erratic these days. Up to Thanksgiving I had a month where the blood pressure spiked, up 25 plus points on top reading pushing me to 125. I know this is not high but for me when the number is generally between 90 and 100 it causes concerns to doctors a sudden spike. It came down to my normal range over the past two weeks. Today I was feeling light headed and thought it was from exhaustion. The number have slipped down to 78 over 55 and a second reading a bit better 81/57. This happened when I had bouts of syncope. I hate this fu**en feeling. When does it end. The fu**en abuser pisses me off and I am tired of the physical and mental issues he has caused me. I do not want to start over. I do not have the strength. Maybe I just need to cope and live in a blind stupor. I keep too much in and it internalizes and hurts me. I am so tired and have no energy to smile or even laugh. My doctor says like usual I react the opposite, many people who have suffered CSA can high blood pressure.

 

[focusedbody]

Kevin:

It sounds like you are aware of the process of internalizing. I know how hard it can be to try slowly bringing an end to that. This is where the present is caught up to by the past and the body seems like the first to know it.

Pushing through anything doesn't really work in these situations, I have found. Hope you can find compassion for yourself amidst the ups and downs, whether they be physical or emotional.

Hope and Peace.

FB

 

[KMCINVA]

FB

Kind of dark here right now. Cannot sleep or relax. Body is hyper and I do not know how with exhaustion. Just seems everything inside is boiling and I feel like I will explode. I want to run out and I know that is not a good idea because I do not know where I would end up. Feels like bricks are piling on my head. So tired and I try not to bring it all inside me, it is there and will not go away. Try calling friend, not there, she has been traveling. The doctor too. Hotline maybe next, some friends but hate to disturb them again. I do not want to be their burden. I just need sleep so I can be. I think of everything, never ends the movie keeps playing I want an intermission. Somehow I will find a way to get it out of the inside of me. The heebee jeebies and the blood pressure makes me even more lethargic and dizzy.

Writing helps when I am not talking. Just needed to let some of it out.

Thanks

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Kevin, I know what you mean about writing "to let some of it out"

I hope you slept? I've read every current post from everyone, for weeks. There's a lot to read, and as much to talk about. (I wish I had a keyboard!).

My T has me evaluating my bias reacting to my wife. He knows I'm being careful, and knows I'm doing this as a last effort. I know the pain of dragging myself through hell has to stop. She half heartedly responds to my demands for quiet, and slows a bit of the name calling when I push hard. The hardest trick for me, is to not project on it all. My T asked whether I can look at her as human instead of evil. I had said it seems she enjoys being am asshole!

Like I said, I'm evaluating. One thing; in my not happy at home thread, I mention that I was aware of one thing from her past that I can show her compassion for. There are two. I brought the topic up. Explaining that I needed to talk about how her experience and reaction to that, colors her response to me. She discounts the effects that her experience has. Well, she has remembered a 2nd.

Hmmm... right?

So, it gave us a chance to talk about how she responds to me. It wasn't too bad. Tiny flicker of hope!

I tell you because we have been writing about the problems of loved ones being horrible. That extra hurt grows, and can spin out of control. With my T I've seen the homework, and it overlaps things I've been doing. My one saving grace is she's not denying it occurred. She's accepted it. She knows this has hurt our relationship and my life. We both saw how sorry I was that it is that way, and that's another tiny step.

I think, like so many here, that a relationship will help us. If it's not physical, at least a validating and dear friend/s. It's one of my goals to meet new or rekindle a lost friend? I hope there will be an option for you? It seems that, if there were a dear friend or partner with you, sharing the burden, letting you be you, and checking in, that you could sleep. It's getting beyond feeling WORTH IT, and that sharing the burden is a valid and not undo hardship to share.

You are worth it Kevin. Burden is not too much to expect a partner to share. Sharing builds up the bond. I wasn't able to do a good job of sharing before recent years. I couldn't see my role clearly either. But, I can still share burdens, while I need my burdens shared. And, it does help me when I read brothers or sisters write that I'm worth it.

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

Thank you for reading. Writing let's it all out. I have a journal which I am trying to organize and as I read it I remember so much pain and I never brought up the past in arguments but as I began to explore the CSA it brought back so many memories and bad things done to me and things I did to others. It also brought up fears of all the lost time and dissociation--fear of what did I do and why am I still here. I am understanding the doctors words of the interdependency of the abuse and what was done to me--so connected to my unraveling, physical issues, dissociation and so on. Never realized how cruel the world can be while those inflicting put their Pollyanna hat on telling the world how good and kind they were. Writing has helped me to see things and maybe seeing what happened has pushed me to these lows, thinking life is not worth it. I found the other day a list I had made of ways to take me away from it all. Sadly, none seemed far fetched or too difficult to do. I guess with this weekend and a friend returning has kept me pushing to see and be with her. The emotional and physical aspects are so important because I do not feel her touch as threatening because I do not see her as threatening or making me feel unsafe. The others, well they can snarl and deny what they did but somehow the world will know.

I hope the calm she brings will not make me sleep away our time together, and boy do I need sleep. Just peaceful sleep of several hours would be welcomed.

I hope the return, though only a couple of days will invigorate and change my thinking. She always says the same--I am worth it and those that relish and continue to take life are the ones not worth it. She said they thrive on ridicule and patting themselves on the back for the smallest thing they do for anyone. She said they fail to recognize the hurt and pain they have caused. She as other have said, they may be good but they have lived a life of finding wrong in everyone else's life but their own.

I hope you find peace and happiness this holiday season.

Kevin