DID

Sherlock

Registrant
thanks so much, I'm reading through it now. Very helpful. I wanted to read what others who were experiencing the same things because I don't really have anything to compare what I'm going through to. Everything related to DID in media and movies don't make sense to me and I can't relate at all, it made me wonder for awhile if I even had a dissociative disorder because I couldn't relate to all that's portrayed in media about it.
 

GeorgeMartin

Registrant
Hi Sherlock, this is Watson (jokingly said), I have D.I.D. and if you had the condition, and didn't know it, when you talked with your therapist, things would be chaotic internally, but after awhile, dynamics would begin to make sense. Like an Ah Hah Moment, because the dissociation of 'them' would be somewhat torn down at least on some levels mentally speaking.

For me, when I think back on my years of living, I can definitely point to experiences in grade school all the way back through, wherein I have now the awareness of 'their' influences, interactions, etc. and more particularly, leaving the body, coming back into the body, hearing them, interacting as a pre-teen internally (being able to communicate with 'them'). I say 'them' simply because in public forums like this I don't like speaking about them by names, etc. Makes me edgy and ill at ease. Don't get me wrong, people may not really know they have this condition, but usually most people with the condition get a 'sense' that they aren't the only one's sharing the body/mind even before they get to that point where a therapist says OH, you have D.I.D.

I have chronic PTSD and D.I.D. according to the doctors. Just labels, that's all they are. I've been diagnosed with all sort of labels over the years. Big Deal. But even now I still DOUBT the diagnosis of D.I.D. and yet, how else do I know about 'them', their names, ages, likes and dislikes etc. if this isn't D.I.D. It's not like they come out / 'front' and its a full-blown Sybil or Tara situation. For most people and me, its way more subtle than that as far as visibility or definition between one of them and myself being in control of the body.

And Youtube is, I think, one of the worst places to go to, for indication of this condition. Dissociativedude is a good channel. But there's a lot of larpers and people that tend to expound and make this condition more exotic and embellished, that it really is, in real life terms.

BTW PTSD is in fact dissociation, just on a lesser level or whatever so they say. If you want to PM communicate that's fine too. Just know you are not really alone. And literally WE really never really are alone.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
So I was diagnosed with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) by my therapist. My therapist said according from what I've told her and what my results were from the MID that that's what I have. This was a huge shock to me. I knew about DID, I've watched YouTube videos with people with DID and I never once thought that that was something I had. I do have an unexplained "alter ego" that I've had talking in my head since before I remember but I've been trying to get rid of them for years. I don't think I have DID to be honest, if anything I think I classify more with OSDD-1b (otherwise specified dissociative disorder). My therapist actually seems happy that I combated her diagnosis which made me feel better. I started learning that dissociative disorders are a spectrum. Anyway, I feel as if therapy has made my symptoms worse.. and my alter(s) have shut me out. For the first time in my life I realized what being the only one in my head was like, and it's so f***ing quiet ! Since going to therapy I've already tried to take my life once, had a breakdown at the hospital... it makes me want to give up on therapy because it seems to be making stuff worse. Now my loudest "alter" is being so strange. Shutting me out, showing me a memory every once in awhile and then disappearing. It makes me think maybe I don't have a dissociative disorder at all. I would absolutely love to talk to someone who is officially diagnosed with DID/ OSDD or is positive that they have it... is there anyone else on here?
Sherlock

I have been diagnosed with disssociative fugues and disorder. It is difficult to explain to people how I disconnect from myself and live a life that is not me, how did I survive the periods without identity. Some doctors believe I became the child within that I disowned and lived the pain of the abuse that I denied. I had difficulty understanding how I became fragmented. In time I began to understand how trauma impacts the brain, the body and our emotions.

I was hospitalized several times in a fugue, other times found by friends. No memory, no identity except a name I would give. Not sure of the origins of the name. With DID there is a specific identity attached to the personality. For me there was no history, no awareness of who I was, how I got where I was or what I did. The lack of memory use to petrify me, what did I do, did I hurt myself or someone else, how did I travel. I spent time trying to understand the spectrum of dissociative disorders. I began to reflect back on life, the blanks and finding myself in places I had no idea why I was there. I remember once coming back in college after an incident with a priest--not sure if accident or intentional--coming back standing on the edge of the reservoir. What was I going to do. I have other memories of short episodes and others being several days in duration and frequency. Trying to explain dissociative disorders to people who believe they know everything or have a closed mind. It is useless. I have learned to deal with triggers differently--mindfulness, tapping, movement. I understand my triggers. I still have moments when walking or driving of going into my own world and a noise or sound will startled me, make me anxious. I immediately pull myself together--focusing on the present and not falling into a dissociative episodes. It happened yesterday as I was driving, I heard a police siren from a passing car, my heart began to pound and I felt scared. The first time the abuse occurred I encountered the police for an entire different and innocent incident. I have connected the abuse with the police. This was further complicated by being taken from the home by police as I was unraveling due to someone's fear I was going to hurt myself. After being hospitalized for a few days they doctors said there was no basis that I should have been hospitalized. I have connected police with the abuse. TV shows can trigger me.

I have learned since the abuse I can go into varying degrees to escape pain, memories and triggers. It was my coping mechanism.

Kevin
 

Sherlock

Registrant
Sherlock

I have been diagnosed with disssociative fugues and disorder. It is difficult to explain to people how I disconnect from myself and live a life that is not me, how did I survive the periods without identity. Some doctors believe I became the child within that I disowned and lived the pain of the abuse that I denied. I had difficulty understanding how I became fragmented. In time I began to understand how trauma impacts the brain, the body and our emotions.

I was hospitalized several times in a fugue, other times found by friends. No memory, no identity except a name I would give. Not sure of the origins of the name. With DID there is a specific identity attached to the personality. For me there was no history, no awareness of who I was, how I got where I was or what I did. The lack of memory use to petrify me, what did I do, did I hurt myself or someone else, how did I travel. I spent time trying to understand the spectrum of dissociative disorders. I began to reflect back on life, the blanks and finding myself in places I had no idea why I was there. I remember once coming back in college after an incident with a priest--not sure if accident or intentional--coming back standing on the edge of the reservoir. What was I going to do. I have other memories of short episodes and others being several days in duration and frequency. Trying to explain dissociative disorders to people who believe they know everything or have a closed mind. It is useless. I have learned to deal with triggers differently--mindfulness, tapping, movement. I understand my triggers. I still have moments when walking or driving of going into my own world and a noise or sound will startled me, make me anxious. I immediately pull myself together--focusing on the present and not falling into a dissociative episodes. It happened yesterday as I was driving, I heard a police siren from a passing car, my heart began to pound and I felt scared. The first time the abuse occurred I encountered the police for an entire different and innocent incident. I have connected the abuse with the police. This was further complicated by being taken from the home by police as I was unraveling due to someone's fear I was going to hurt myself. After being hospitalized for a few days they doctors said there was no basis that I should have been hospitalized. I have connected police with the abuse. TV shows can trigger me.

I have learned since the abuse I can go into varying degrees to escape pain, memories and triggers. It was my coping mechanism.

Kevin
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and I'm so sorry you had to and have to go through that.
For awhile I had a similar reaction to ambulances, even just seeing one made my heart start to race.
It's amazing you've been able to identify these triggers. It makes sense why you would go into various stages in result of escaping pain. You're doing a good job and you can do this.
 

Sherlock

Registrant
Hi Sherlock, this is Watson (jokingly said), I have D.I.D. and if you had the condition, and didn't know it, when you talked with your therapist, things would be chaotic internally, but after awhile, dynamics would begin to make sense. Like an Ah Hah Moment, because the dissociation of 'them' would be somewhat torn down at least on some levels mentally speaking.

For me, when I think back on my years of living, I can definitely point to experiences in grade school all the way back through, wherein I have now the awareness of 'their' influences, interactions, etc. and more particularly, leaving the body, coming back into the body, hearing them, interacting as a pre-teen internally (being able to communicate with 'them'). I say 'them' simply because in public forums like this I don't like speaking about them by names, etc. Makes me edgy and ill at ease. Don't get me wrong, people may not really know they have this condition, but usually most people with the condition get a 'sense' that they aren't the only one's sharing the body/mind even before they get to that point where a therapist says OH, you have D.I.D.

I have chronic PTSD and D.I.D. according to the doctors. Just labels, that's all they are. I've been diagnosed with all sort of labels over the years. Big Deal. But even now I still DOUBT the diagnosis of D.I.D. and yet, how else do I know about 'them', their names, ages, likes and dislikes etc. if this isn't D.I.D. It's not like they come out / 'front' and its a full-blown Sybil or Tara situation. For most people and me, its way more subtle than that as far as visibility or definition between one of them and myself being in control of the body.

And Youtube is, I think, one of the worst places to go to, for indication of this condition. Dissociativedude is a good channel. But there's a lot of larpers and people that tend to expound and make this condition more exotic and embellished, that it really is, in real life terms.

BTW PTSD is in fact dissociation, just on a lesser level or whatever so they say. If you want to PM communicate that's fine too. Just know you are not really alone. And literally WE really never really are alone.
Thank you so much for responding! I related to a lot of what you said, and it was a relief to read that I'm definitely not alone in the way that I feel.
I agree with you that YouTube can be a pretty toxic place and spreads a lot of misleading and/or confusing information sometimes.
Thank you again for taking the time to reach out and respond to my post, I appreciate it!
 
This wonderful thread demonstrates how horrific child sexual trauma can be. Deep respect to everyone sharing their experience. Yes, dissociation is on a spectrum. I never encountered an alter, but I've spent much of my life in an altered state, often lost in sexual fantasy. Knowing this can be part of the experience of trauma makes it less embarrassing to admit to myself... it also makes the healing work we are doing vitally important. This is how we're going to come back to ourselves, our honest aliveness not burdened by memories of trauma. All the best Sherlock in unpacking this.
 

Toad

Registrant
Hi Sherlock,

This is something I don't talk about. I find it very embarrassing. I don't like to let on how crazy I really am. I think it would freak out my wife.

For me it is not like on the movies.
I have a 2 year old and 4 year old and a 5 year old. It is hard to describe but for years they had almost a physical presence. Like I know where in the room they each are. They all refuse to wear clothes and they have distinct personalities but wouldn't talk. They are all me of course but different parts of my personality I suppose.
So with my therapist I have been encouraged to care for them. Do things that they would like. Help them find a voice.

Then they started taking over.
I can only describe it as I am looking through their eyes. For most of my life it feels like I am looking out some windows (my eyes) of a body that wasn't mine.
When they stopped being just a silent presence in the room and started taking over I was all of a sudden looking through their eyes. I suppose I was becoming more integrated with myself.
Most of the last year has been seen through the eyes of a 2 year old.
The 2 year old is very passive. He will just lay there and let bad things happen to him. He has a lot of anger toward me and feels like I need to be hurt. He has little energy, likes to draw and isn't very verbal. If he takes over completely I can hardly get my words out.

Sometimes the 4 year old takes over. He is energetic. When I am looking through his eyes I stand differently, sit differently. He doesn't draw much but likes to listen to and play music.
He likes big cats like panthers. He doesn't want to just lay there and be hurt. He wants to pounce on them and bite. I am a lot more productive when looking through his eyes.
But unfortunately he gets scared easy then runs away and hides and I go back to looking through the 2 year olds eyes again.

The 5 year old. Might be me. Which I don't really understand but feels right somehow. If you asked me how old I feel I have been 5 for years. I don't really understand it but if I close my eyes and am not looking through their eyes then I am 5. He wants to care for everyone and doesn't understand why people hurt others. It almost feels like I am the 5 year old narrator in a story about a 2 and 4 year old.

So my therapist doesn't tell me what diagnosis I have. I assume PTSD and some Disassociating Disorder.
But this week we are working on telling the 2 year old to let the older boys take care of him. And then doing a good job caring for him. This has helped me feel better.
It is also why I am posting. The 2 year old is too passive and lacking in self worth to comment much.
The 5 year old wants to care for everyone. And so wants to post the embarassing mess in my head to help you out.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hi Sherlock,

This is something I don't talk about. I find it very embarrassing. I don't like to let on how crazy I really am. I think it would freak out my wife.

For me it is not like on the movies.
I have a 2 year old and 4 year old and a 5 year old. It is hard to describe but for years they had almost a physical presence. Like I know where in the room they each are. They all refuse to wear clothes and they have distinct personalities but wouldn't talk. They are all me of course but different parts of my personality I suppose.
So with my therapist I have been encouraged to care for them. Do things that they would like. Help them find a voice.

Then they started taking over.
I can only describe it as I am looking through their eyes. For most of my life it feels like I am looking out some windows (my eyes) of a body that wasn't mine.
When they stopped being just a silent presence in the room and started taking over I was all of a sudden looking through their eyes. I suppose I was becoming more integrated with myself.
Most of the last year has been seen through the eyes of a 2 year old.
The 2 year old is very passive. He will just lay there and let bad things happen to him. He has a lot of anger toward me and feels like I need to be hurt. He has little energy, likes to draw and isn't very verbal. If he takes over completely I can hardly get my words out.

Sometimes the 4 year old takes over. He is energetic. When I am looking through his eyes I stand differently, sit differently. He doesn't draw much but likes to listen to and play music.
He likes big cats like panthers. He doesn't want to just lay there and be hurt. He wants to pounce on them and bite. I am a lot more productive when looking through his eyes.
But unfortunately he gets scared easy then runs away and hides and I go back to looking through the 2 year olds eyes again.

The 5 year old. Might be me. Which I don't really understand but feels right somehow. If you asked me how old I feel I have been 5 for years. I don't really understand it but if I close my eyes and am not looking through their eyes then I am 5. He wants to care for everyone and doesn't understand why people hurt others. It almost feels like I am the 5 year old narrator in a story about a 2 and 4 year old.

So my therapist doesn't tell me what diagnosis I have. I assume PTSD and some Disassociating Disorder.
But this week we are working on telling the 2 year old to let the older boys take care of him. And then doing a good job caring for him. This has helped me feel better.
It is also why I am posting. The 2 year old is too passive and lacking in self worth to comment much.
The 5 year old wants to care for everyone. And so wants to post the embarassing mess in my head to help you out.
Thanks so much for sharing I had a really profound realisation whilst reading where my mutism may lay

I can identify with what you wrote

Wishing you peace in your healing

HL
 
@Toad -- Yes, I go into more detail of my own DID stuff in my newly-posted "Survivor Story" -- not as severe as yours, but they have been very active. Only twice (so far) have they "taken over" if only for a few moments. I, too, have been working on care taking - right now the two 7-year-olds are active and wanting attention. Since that abuse associated with their existence was only uncovered a year ago, they have been very neglected and are now starving for attention.
 

Sherlock

Registrant
Hi Sherlock,

This is something I don't talk about. I find it very embarrassing. I don't like to let on how crazy I really am. I think it would freak out my wife.

For me it is not like on the movies.
I have a 2 year old and 4 year old and a 5 year old. It is hard to describe but for years they had almost a physical presence. Like I know where in the room they each are. They all refuse to wear clothes and they have distinct personalities but wouldn't talk. They are all me of course but different parts of my personality I suppose.
So with my therapist I have been encouraged to care for them. Do things that they would like. Help them find a voice.

Then they started taking over.
I can only describe it as I am looking through their eyes. For most of my life it feels like I am looking out some windows (my eyes) of a body that wasn't mine.
When they stopped being just a silent presence in the room and started taking over I was all of a sudden looking through their eyes. I suppose I was becoming more integrated with myself.
Most of the last year has been seen through the eyes of a 2 year old.
The 2 year old is very passive. He will just lay there and let bad things happen to him. He has a lot of anger toward me and feels like I need to be hurt. He has little energy, likes to draw and isn't very verbal. If he takes over completely I can hardly get my words out.

Sometimes the 4 year old takes over. He is energetic. When I am looking through his eyes I stand differently, sit differently. He doesn't draw much but likes to listen to and play music.
He likes big cats like panthers. He doesn't want to just lay there and be hurt. He wants to pounce on them and bite. I am a lot more productive when looking through his eyes.
But unfortunately he gets scared easy then runs away and hides and I go back to looking through the 2 year olds eyes again.

The 5 year old. Might be me. Which I don't really understand but feels right somehow. If you asked me how old I feel I have been 5 for years. I don't really understand it but if I close my eyes and am not looking through their eyes then I am 5. He wants to care for everyone and doesn't understand why people hurt others. It almost feels like I am the 5 year old narrator in a story about a 2 and 4 year old.

So my therapist doesn't tell me what diagnosis I have. I assume PTSD and some Disassociating Disorder.
But this week we are working on telling the 2 year old to let the older boys take care of him. And then doing a good job caring for him. This has helped me feel better.
It is also why I am posting. The 2 year old is too passive and lacking in self worth to comment much.
The 5 year old wants to care for everyone. And so wants to post the embarassing mess in my head to help you out.
Thanks so much for sharing that. It really does help me and I really appreciate it. I feel a lot better that more people have reached out to me and shared their experiences because I share some of these experiences as well, it makes me feel a little less "crazy".
I also feel stuck at a certain age sometimes. If someone asks me how old I am I have to think about it for a second and when I respond I'm quite literally shocked everytime. It's so very weird. You describe them taking over and it's like looking through their eyes and I experience that as well, I described it as "watching everything happen as if there's a go pro on my head".
It sounds like you're making progress and making steps toward increasing communication between you all and that's pretty damn amazing.
I've been trying to do that as well and it's proving to be difficult for me, and I'm having trouble giving them the respect they deserve. They've been acting out a lot recently since this diagnosis.. or I guess I've been acting out?

By the way, I don't think you are crazy at all. Everything you said makes perfect sense to me.
 

Sherlock

Registrant
This wonderful thread demonstrates how horrific child sexual trauma can be. Deep respect to everyone sharing their experience. Yes, dissociation is on a spectrum. I never encountered an alter, but I've spent much of my life in an altered state, often lost in sexual fantasy. Knowing this can be part of the experience of trauma makes it less embarrassing to admit to myself... it also makes the healing work we are doing vitally important. This is how we're going to come back to ourselves, our honest aliveness not burdened by memories of trauma. All the best Sherlock in unpacking this.
You're very right. Sorry if I have responded to this already I don't think I saw that I did...
Thanks so much for sharing that.
Fantasy sometimes can be a lot more comforting than reality and I can see why you'd want to spend more time in that altered state.
If I dissociate or zone out it's not really like I'm thinking about anything, just kind of viewing the world as if it were on a pause button behind a sheet of really foggy glass, and I feel as if I'm being slingshot back from my body (I call it rubber banding). It's the strangest thing and I fight so hard to keep myself from slipping off like that but sometimes it's impossible to stop it!

All the best to you too and thanks again for sharing
 
We dissociate because being present is too painful. This isn't rocket science. We need to go away. It is quite an accomplishment to be aware this is happening and pondering the question of what we might do to come into the present moment. Those who are fully lost in going away, aren't likely to come to a website like this and begin unpacking it. But we're here having this conversation... exploring the edges of it even as we take a tentative look at what happened to us when we were boys, teens, young men. My life was all fucked up though I pretended to have it all together. When I first told a therapist the truth about my acting out behavior... THIRTY SIX YEARS AGO, I was feeling suicidal... my third marriage had come apart and my picture appeared on the front page of the local newspaper with a lead about my being "on the hot seat." I expected to be fired at any moment... it seemed my whole life was coming apart at the seams.

So here we all are... pondering how the reality of sexual trauma could have turned our lives into the hell realms we lived... and often find dissociation in a variety of forms. We're doing our healing work... and we'll continue to slip into the fog when we need to... and we'll become more and more present as we tell the truth about what we experienced. THIS is the healing journey. Deep respect to everyone doing this work. It is sacred work because it is the only way we'll claim our full aliveness.
 
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