Look at this sentence: I have same sex attractions because my mother sexually abused me.
When I look at this sentence, I have a hard time seeing the connection between sexual abuse and attraction. How can any one person force sexual attractions? No one has that much power.
I do understand when you say you feel disgusted by your mother. I often feel that way. I hated seeing her having sex with other men when I was little and I hated seeing her naked when she walked all over the house. I was very repulsed by her body.
My mother never overtly sexually abused me. I'm not sure if she sexually abused me at all. She used to sleep around a lot with guys when I was young. I was being sexually abused by two men in the neighborhood, so I thought it was all just normal. When I became a bit older (7years-11), my mom would tuck me in at night. She would watch porn on a TV in my room while she laid on my bed. I was supposed to be asleep but I was excited by the porn. I wanted to watch it. My mom would look at me every once in a while. I thought maybe she was checking to see if I was asleep, but sometimes my eyes would be wide open. I would even ask questions out loud if I didn't understand something.
I consider myself straight. When I look at porn, I look at girls. I just automatically go to them. I have looked at gay porn before and I have acted out sexually with guys online. I also have had a sexual experience with a girl when I was around 14. But, I don't think I can ever say I am 100% attracted to either sex. I do know that my sexual experiences now have nothing to do with my mother. She and my sexual abusers may have added to my confusion and abnormal thoughts regarding sex, but they have no power over me now. I have the right to love and be loved by someone. It doesn't matter, to me, what the sex of the person is.
First of all: It is totally inapropriate behavior of your mother to have sex with men and you having to watch and hear it. I find it even more inapropriate that your mom watched porn in your room lying in your bed. I do consider that very abnormal and abusive.
Second: Yes you have the right to choose how YOU identify yourself. From what you write I consider you to be bisexual, but it really does not matter what I think - the most important is that you are always comfortable about how you feel and see yourself. Promise me that you will try your best to avoid acting out and treat yourself with kindness and respect in the future.
Sexual identity issues is very common among survivors as you may have noticed. Straight men have sex with other men for various reasons, some of them mentioned here:
Men acting out early childhood sexual abuse - Also known as homosexual imprinting. These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire nor are they aroused by other men. However, they compulsively re-enact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. This has nothing to do with their sexual and romantic identities.
If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep returning to the scene of the crime to defuse and desensitize his emotional pain. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the homosexual behavior hes re-enacting ceases. This isnt about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.
I re-enacted the abuse by my stepfather, with more men than I could handle. It was not about sex or love - it really was a perverted way to deal with my abuse.
On the other hand I do know that my same sex attractions are part of my romantic identity, it is not about sex alone.
What I do observe is:
-The majority of male survivors of mother-son incestual abuse by females struggle with sexual identity issues and the Danish Book referred to a study of 16 men : All identified themselves as gay
-many male survivors of abuse by males also struggle with sexual identity issues - many act out with men even if they Identify themselves as straight
I had both mother-son incest - causing me to be repulsed by women + the homosexual imprinting becuase of the abuse by my stepfather.
So I still have this nagging doubt whether I would be attracted to men if I had not been abused sexually by my mother.