Did we "ask for it"?

Did we "ask for it"?
I

IamGeordi

Registrant
One of the hardest things for me to deal with as a gay man has been the notion that I somehow asked for my uncles and others to abuse me.

If we're born gay or straight, then maybe subconsciously, I wanted them to do it.
And a part of me DID enjoy it. (That's what mad it so bad. If I'd hated it, like I was supposed to, I would've been normal.)

Of course this is a load of hog-wash, but it still naggs me when I let my logic down. How do others deal with this?


Geordi Byron
 
I don't think we asked for it in any way shape or form. To me a child molester doesn't look for someone to be wanting this. They are looking for someone they can control, over power, manipulate, deceive. To me that has nothing to do with who we are or what we are. Maybe I'm being way too simplistic here but it is all actions that the molester does. It is like a stray bullet and we just happened to walk in its path. Ok, maybe I'm trying to oversimplify this way too much now.

Don
 
We didn't ask for it, not as a child or youngster. Surely being born gay doesn't mean abusers have a "carte blanche" do do as they like. You know the answer.

As a teen hitting puberty I was curious, and interested in other BOYS, boys my age that is. Just as I am interested in MEN my age now. I was never interested in my dad or any other sick shit who wanted to use me. I wasn't able to fight them off. It has brought great difficulty to my life, not the least my sexlife. But regardless of the trauma of sa, my sexual identity hasn't changed.

Cheers and best regards,

Daniel
 
I've had to deal with the fact that it is possible for boys only a few years older to be s'xual abusers.

I've had to deal with the fact that men can s'xually abuse other men.

This has complicated the feelings of having asked for it or being a more or less willing participant.

Even writing this brings up the fear that guys reading it will think that I asked for it or that the abuse wasn't really abuse because the perps were more or less the same age I was.

I've had to deal with the fact that my mother not only completely ignored the obvious signs that something horrible had happened to me but also belittled me for the changes in my personality that resulted from it.

This all communicated a long lasting message to my young mind that what I experienced was inconsequental, not unusual, was normal or what I deserved.

At the same time she also verbally and emotionally abused me and beat me which further communicated that I deserved any bad thing that happened to me and any feelings of misery and alientation that I experienced.

I've had to deal with the fact that my father stood only a few yards away drinking beer and joking with his friends while I was being abused in a public restroom by a older guy, boy or man, as if it were nothing, as if I weren't worth looking after.

The way I deal with it today is to remind myself day after day, often throughout the day, that it was not my fault, that despite the way I was treated, the neglect I experienced, I was worth a great deal more than I received, that I deserved better than I experienced.
 
Hey Geordi,

The truth of the matter is quite simple. Did you go looking to be abused? NO...but the abuser was looking to abuse. They scout out a target, and "you" don't even know it's happening. They "groom" you with the schrewdness of a master manipulator and "you" don't even know you're being betrayed. And then they "take" what they want while you're frozen with fear, leave "you" to feel ultimately responsible because "I can see you like it", then walks away and leaves "you" to pick up the pieces over a lifetime.

So now tell me once again how "you" made this happen? It's tough enough to grow up gay but add this madness to it and it's no wonder we all ask the same questions you did. But the answer remains NO!! It's ALL about the abuser(s).

Be well Geordi and stay awhile with us.....

Taz
 
Geordi,

I don't know what I am, but is it because of the SA? Being abused right around puberty was very confusing. I was curious about sex. I thought the abuser was like an older brother that I never had. I thought that I could talk to him about sex. I was seduced, used and made to think that because I responded to the stimulus that I was somehow a willing participant. And yes I enjoyed getting oral sex, it felt really good. The shame that I always felt afterward was monumental. How could I have done that! I'll never do that again! But it happened again...and again...and we did other things too.

I was married for over 33 years and never had sex with another woman. But I continued to seek out guys. And I always felt like shit afterward, saying that I'd never to that again. See a pattern there? I know that I was vulnerable as a child. I know that I was trusting as a child. I know that I would have done anything for affection as a child. That's not asking for it, that's being a child. The abuser, though only a few years older than me, saw those qualities in me and used them to get what he wanted. And he left me feeling worthless and ashamed and confused. I felt that way for too many years. It affected my life, my love and my self-worth. I know intellectually that I was not at fault but emotionally I still feel that I wanted it and I got what I deserved. But I'm working on that..... Life is a work in progress and it's far superior to the alternative.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
I know I never ask for it as a 5 and 12 year old. I believe that we are born this way. Although like you I have question this for many years.We are who we are and I am glad for that.
Gus
 
Geordi
I thought that I was 'willing and wanted it' for over 30 years. I had been abused by up to six older boys and a teacher at boarding school but didn't look upon it as 'abuse'

It started out as low level stuff, masturbation, at first but the 2 ringleaders ( the teacher joined in much later ) soon wanted more - which is when I resisted. So they got the gang together and beat and raped me for a whole afternoon. After that I did exactly as they wanted and learned to initiate and ask for sex. I was even suggesting different positions and asking for group sex by the age of 12.

So I went through my early adult life remembering this 'attitude' that I had developed towards sex with these older boys, and used it for my sexual fantasies. But although I remembered the gang rape in detail in my 'saner' moments I mainly remembered it as a fantasy of 'great sex'

Through this distorted thinking I convinced myself that every single incident, right from the beginning, was something that I wanted and consented to.

It's only by accepting the reality of my accurate memories that I've now convinced myself that it was NEVER my fault.

But -

Of course this is a load of hog-wash, but it still naggs me when I let my logic down. How do others deal with this?

this is also very true, and I think it's something many guys still struggle with to some degree.
It gets easier though, it's not one of those things we can overcome quickly. Time is the great healer for this, and as we progress the power of the distorted thinking about our memories becomes less, and the true thinking becomes second nature.
We learned the distorted in a climate of sex and fear, and there are no greater reinforcers to any kind of thinking. It's also why we struggle so much with the good sex we now want as adults.


WHat happened has very little to do with sex either, it's a power trip for most abusers - sex is the weapon of choice for getting that power.
And homosexuality, either yours or theirs, isn't the driver for most abusers. It's opportunity and power.

And over those two things we had no defense as young boys.

Dave
 
********Sorry this could trigger some*******

Hey, guys, this is somthing with which I have fought my whole life...being such a part of all of it.

What did my therapist say the other day?

You will have to look at why you feel like such a co-conspirator.

That's it. The sonofabitch made me feel like such a part of it. The trips he'd take me on. The driving that he'd let me do. The smoking and drinking that he made available and encouraged. The camping trips, the trips to San Francisco, the dinners. It was all one big seduction and I was center stage and he just kept it coming and I lapped it up like some homeless puppy.

Then someone, here, asked someone else in a post that they were feeling particularly bad about. He asked, "Just how big and well defended do you think a 13 year old is?"

How big? How mature? How easy was I?

Ya, he knew exactly what he was doing.

know the feeling,

David
 
Sometimes a visual image makes more of an impression. The next time you're in a department store just go to the boys clothing department. See what a boys size 10 shirt looks like. That's the size I wore when the abuse started. I know 'cause I found my old Boy Scout shirt a couple of years ago. I didn't have a chance, it wasn't my fault.

Steve
 
Good idea, Steve.

My partner and I were out to dinner the other night before going to a show. We had plenty of time so we lingered over dinner and watched the people come and go.

There was a young family, mother, father, baby and little boy.

I asked my partner how old he thought the boy was. He said 4 or 5.

It was extraordinary to suddenly see how small and vulnerable and trusting he was.

I was actually an infant when the SA began but one of the most disturbing memories I have is about SA that occurred when I was 4 or 5.

Not surprisingly, I have felt guilt and shame about what occurred and my role in it. That was an innaccurate perception underscored by seeing that little boy.

No way could I have understood what was happening or successfully resisted. I was utterly and absolutely taken advantage of, used, and discarded.

Brett
 
Geordi,

It was never your fault and you never asked for it. I don't care if you're gay, straight, or neutral, you didn't ask for it.

Yes, sure, some of it may have been pleasurable, maybe on a purely physical level or an emotional level, but you didn't want the baggage that came with it.

Geordi, you can't here this enough. It's crap and you realize it, but it takes a GOOD long time to believe it.

I still struggle with this because, early on, I felt like my abuser loved me. I traded (at 11, mind you!) what was wrong for what felt good. The little boy knew there was something wrong with that. It took the man to finally forgive him.

You will be okay, brother. I know you will.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Did we "ask for it"? HELL NO ! ! !

Gay, Bi, Straight, or anything in between the answer is still - HELL NO ! ! !

You deal with one day at a time, one issue at a time, and you learn to love yourself. Learn to believe the truth, "It was not your fault", never was.
 
Thank you for all the kind words.

What I was really hoping for was, how do we deal with the thoughts that we DID ask for it or want it. I "know" it's a crock. But how do I "FEEL" it's a crock? And what do I do about the fact that at least a part of me (especially in the beginning) DID enjoy it?
 
Hello Geordi,

Just a quick response as I have to run...but please do not beat yourself up over it (though I know it's hard as it is something that abused persons tend to do about ANYthing).

To get to your question though...frankly to argue that it was one's fault or that was one "asking" for it subconsciously simply because someone of the same sex abused you is to say that the child who happens to be straight being abused by someone of the opposite sex "asked" for their "heterosexual rape." Moreover, one can say that person who was date-raped was "really asking" for it--after all, why would they where those skimpy clothes? In addition if they somehow enjoyed at least a part of it (and I am sure for many rape victims, the "physiological" response of pleasure can't be helped even if only in a glimmer), does NOT in any way make the guilty. It is just faulty logic.

The bottom line here is that there is clearly not that intent, and regardless of even what one may want subconsciously, etc., one must remember that particularly as a child you are NOT in the right frame of mind yet to make these decisions (sometimes even just on a brain developmental level). Just as a child who is forced to drive and gets to in accident is not at fault even if they truly had some innate desire to drive.

Okay, I hope that makes sense. I have to run, but basically forget this issue and focus more on what you want out of life now. Work on that, and you will see eventually how these other things truly work themselves out. Later.
 
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