Did something sick... feeling total shame...

Did something sick... feeling total shame...
S

survive75

Registrant
I was feeling like this kind of thing was coming on for a while, but because I was with my g/f, I never actually went through with it. I know some of you know that what originally brought me to MS was that my need to use violent male fantasy during sex was becoming a problem. I tried hard to work on it, but it wasn't enough, and my g/f broke up with me... one of the reasons being that I didn't have sex enough. I didn't want sex because I either had to use these images to get off or risk staying in my body and having a flashback.

Regardless, now that she is gone, I have been using the scenarios for masturbation and last night I crossed over to actually going "live" so to speak with this. It was only in a chat room (not here) but it was with a guy and I played out a scenario in chat and I feel sick and fucked up and totally afraid that I am not going to be able to stop here with this.

I am feeling completely ashamed that I moved over to actually interacting with someone (read: a guy) even if it was just online. I really need guidance on this, because I'm really freaked out.

-Sean
 
sean,
i am not in a good enough place to offer any real guidance or suggestions right now, but i just want you to know that i felt that same shame last summer when i surfed for those images. i cannot relate how i felt when i saw the pain on lady theo's face when it hit the fan back then, but the shame did pass. everytime i am on the cusp of taking that step i remember two things, or try to. i remember the pain she went through when she found out...and i remember that despite that pain, she stayed with me and loved me regardless of what i did. her love and her pain, plus the fact that i have successfully defeated this in the past year since then when it was almost too much to bear. find something that you can focus on that gives you strength and use that as your ground. the act happened, sean, it cannot be undone. what you did was not wrong in itself, but your feeling about it is what matters and it is what is real. you will work through this feeling of shame for doing something you would not have done otherwise, until then, find a safe place to build for the next time and focus on that when it gets to that danger zone. i am here for you, sean. pm me if you need to.
 
Sean,

I don't really know what to say. The principle of cyber sex total eludes me. I have no idea how it works and no desire to find out.

I know that you have struggled with your violent fantasies for awhile. Fantasies can remain that, just fantasies. They do not need to be acted upon. As you move forward in your healing and your attitude of yourself improves, the fantasies you have may change. I have had some that were less than deserving of me that have passed, and still have some that I haven't cleared, but they are reducing and doing less for me. I see that as my attitude and vision of myself improves, the negative fantasies will fade, maybe not entirely, but they will fade. I find a lot of solice in that. It also gives me strength to fight the urge to act upon them.

Take care my friend,
Bill
 
sean,

i've acted out through the years so many times i cannot even begin to count. i've even met a guy because that desire to try became so strong i couldnt resist. in a lot of ways that drove me to finally start asking the right questions, and i uncovered my past. this is a very powerful part of you. it is hard to resist, even though you know it is not healthy for you. as i've come to understand why it is a part of me, i have gained a manner of control. it isnt that i dont want it any more. it is more that i've learned to like and respect myself enough that i wont allow it.

i guess i dont have anything that will help you stop. that comes from inside. what i can offer is understanding. i understand how powerful and overwhelming the urge to act on it can be. the internet makes it easy to find guys who are happy to act it out either as you have or physically. i guess, i cant honestly say i wouldnt act on it if i was alone. my wife gives me a big reason not to. if she wasnt there, i guess i would likely go beyond where you are. i would be driven by the need for a partner, and by my own curiosity. so see, i know where you are at. i dont know what you have to motivate you to stay away from it. for me it is my wife and my faith.
 
Sean,

None of that changes who you really are. We see you here and know that you are a good person, not sick or f'ed up at all.

It was part of the "training" you got. I can understand.

Jeff is right when he says the thing to help you stop comes from inside. It is inside you. You have resisted at times before, so it is inside you to get past this.

There must be ways to distract yourself. Run, bike, read, write, draw, play guitar, watch cartoons, whatever.

Here's something you wrote to me back in February. It's still as true as ever.
I hope you are feeling better than when you first posted this. And know that the good part of recovery is that the relapses or the backslides or whatever... well, they start not to last as long. Where you may have cut before and kept doing it, you are now here talking about it. And that has to be a major step forward.
Click to expand...
Thanks,

Joe
 
Sean,

Not in a good place today, so i can't really offer anything, save this.

You aren't a bad person. You're a person stuck with a whole lot of bulls**t and are working hard to deal with it.

What you do isn't who you are. What you did was BECAUSE of what someone did to you.

You're a fine man. Work with this first.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
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