Did it happen?
figuringitout
New Registrant
Hi Everyone,
It's nice to be here. The stories I've read are so intense and evocative, in ways that both invigorate me one moment and shut me down the next. It is difficult to be here, but I am grateful that this place exists.
I've recently uncovered a hazy memory in my therapy. It's very strange and surreal, but it involves a clear experience of sexual violation. It's so completely foreign, this idea that I may have been sexually abused, and I'm trying to make sense of it. Before I give the details, I'd like to give some more background on my journey.
I'm in my early 30s. My early-mid 20s were filled with some depression which led me to see a therapist when I was about 25. I became hooked to the work, feeling like deep down there was something wrong. 5+ years later, I've been committed to 1-2x weekly therapy, meditation practice, spiritual pursuits, medicine journeys, and even attending graduate school to become a therapist myself. Much personal growth has happened, but the journey has been arduous with periods of suicidality along the way. I still experience deep layers of depression, and more recently stronger anxiety and bouts of panic have emerged, so I know the healing journey is still under way.
A few weeks ago, a faint memory has been surfacing in my personal therapy. I see an Internal Family Systems therapist, so often we engage with younger parts of my self. There has been a baby part that's become present and it has been sharing this memory of me being violated by someone. It feels like inappropriate touching, and a finger being stuck up my butt. I'm not sure who is doing the violating - sometimes it's my mother, which I just can't imagine being real, and other times it's a babysitter. It feels so wrong, like I want get this person out of me.
It's so strange to have this memory surface, largely because it feels so unreal! I have so much doubt about whether this happened. It feels like it could not have happened and my mind must be making the whole thing up. On the other hand, I want to believe it so badly. I want to believe that this terrible thing happened to me and that my years of suffering can finally be attributed to something concrete.
So I find myself here, posting a story about a memory that may have happened, and may not have. It is nice to share, and I hope to hear people's reflections on the matter. Is this a familiar story? Have others gone through a similar process of recollecting suppressed memories? Most of what I read involves clearly recollected experiences of abuse, and this hazy realm of questionably real memories has me confused. Is this forum even the right place for me?
Thank you for listening and I hope to hear from some of you.
Edit: One other question - I'm looking to find a book to learn more about this kind of sexual abuse. Any recommendations for readings that relate to early childhood/infant abuse and recalling memories?
It's nice to be here. The stories I've read are so intense and evocative, in ways that both invigorate me one moment and shut me down the next. It is difficult to be here, but I am grateful that this place exists.
I've recently uncovered a hazy memory in my therapy. It's very strange and surreal, but it involves a clear experience of sexual violation. It's so completely foreign, this idea that I may have been sexually abused, and I'm trying to make sense of it. Before I give the details, I'd like to give some more background on my journey.
I'm in my early 30s. My early-mid 20s were filled with some depression which led me to see a therapist when I was about 25. I became hooked to the work, feeling like deep down there was something wrong. 5+ years later, I've been committed to 1-2x weekly therapy, meditation practice, spiritual pursuits, medicine journeys, and even attending graduate school to become a therapist myself. Much personal growth has happened, but the journey has been arduous with periods of suicidality along the way. I still experience deep layers of depression, and more recently stronger anxiety and bouts of panic have emerged, so I know the healing journey is still under way.
A few weeks ago, a faint memory has been surfacing in my personal therapy. I see an Internal Family Systems therapist, so often we engage with younger parts of my self. There has been a baby part that's become present and it has been sharing this memory of me being violated by someone. It feels like inappropriate touching, and a finger being stuck up my butt. I'm not sure who is doing the violating - sometimes it's my mother, which I just can't imagine being real, and other times it's a babysitter. It feels so wrong, like I want get this person out of me.
It's so strange to have this memory surface, largely because it feels so unreal! I have so much doubt about whether this happened. It feels like it could not have happened and my mind must be making the whole thing up. On the other hand, I want to believe it so badly. I want to believe that this terrible thing happened to me and that my years of suffering can finally be attributed to something concrete.
So I find myself here, posting a story about a memory that may have happened, and may not have. It is nice to share, and I hope to hear people's reflections on the matter. Is this a familiar story? Have others gone through a similar process of recollecting suppressed memories? Most of what I read involves clearly recollected experiences of abuse, and this hazy realm of questionably real memories has me confused. Is this forum even the right place for me?
Thank you for listening and I hope to hear from some of you.
Edit: One other question - I'm looking to find a book to learn more about this kind of sexual abuse. Any recommendations for readings that relate to early childhood/infant abuse and recalling memories?
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