Did it happen?

figuringitout

New Registrant
Hi Everyone,

It's nice to be here. The stories I've read are so intense and evocative, in ways that both invigorate me one moment and shut me down the next. It is difficult to be here, but I am grateful that this place exists.

I've recently uncovered a hazy memory in my therapy. It's very strange and surreal, but it involves a clear experience of sexual violation. It's so completely foreign, this idea that I may have been sexually abused, and I'm trying to make sense of it. Before I give the details, I'd like to give some more background on my journey.

I'm in my early 30s. My early-mid 20s were filled with some depression which led me to see a therapist when I was about 25. I became hooked to the work, feeling like deep down there was something wrong. 5+ years later, I've been committed to 1-2x weekly therapy, meditation practice, spiritual pursuits, medicine journeys, and even attending graduate school to become a therapist myself. Much personal growth has happened, but the journey has been arduous with periods of suicidality along the way. I still experience deep layers of depression, and more recently stronger anxiety and bouts of panic have emerged, so I know the healing journey is still under way.

A few weeks ago, a faint memory has been surfacing in my personal therapy. I see an Internal Family Systems therapist, so often we engage with younger parts of my self. There has been a baby part that's become present and it has been sharing this memory of me being violated by someone. It feels like inappropriate touching, and a finger being stuck up my butt. I'm not sure who is doing the violating - sometimes it's my mother, which I just can't imagine being real, and other times it's a babysitter. It feels so wrong, like I want get this person out of me.

It's so strange to have this memory surface, largely because it feels so unreal! I have so much doubt about whether this happened. It feels like it could not have happened and my mind must be making the whole thing up. On the other hand, I want to believe it so badly. I want to believe that this terrible thing happened to me and that my years of suffering can finally be attributed to something concrete.

So I find myself here, posting a story about a memory that may have happened, and may not have. It is nice to share, and I hope to hear people's reflections on the matter. Is this a familiar story? Have others gone through a similar process of recollecting suppressed memories? Most of what I read involves clearly recollected experiences of abuse, and this hazy realm of questionably real memories has me confused. Is this forum even the right place for me?

Thank you for listening and I hope to hear from some of you.

Edit: One other question - I'm looking to find a book to learn more about this kind of sexual abuse. Any recommendations for readings that relate to early childhood/infant abuse and recalling memories?
 
Last edited:

Healing light

Registrant
Hi Everyone,

It's nice to be here. The stories I've read are so intense and evocative, in ways that both invigorate me one moment and shut me down the next. It is difficult to be here, but I am grateful that this place exists.

I've recently uncovered a hazy memory in my therapy. It's very strange and surreal, but it involves a clear experience of sexual violation. It's so completely foreign, this idea that I may have been sexually abused, and I'm trying to make sense of it. Before I give the details, I'd like to give some more background on my journey.

I'm in my early 30s. My early-mid 20s were filled with some depression which led me to see a therapist when I was about 25. I became hooked to the work, feeling like deep down there was something wrong. 5+ years later, I've been committed to 1-2x weekly therapy, meditation practice, spiritual pursuits, medicine journeys, and even attending graduate school to become a therapist myself. Much personal growth has happened, but the journey has been arduous with periods of suicidality along the way. I still experience deep layers of depression, and more recently stronger anxiety and bouts of panic have emerged, so I know the healing journey is still under way.

A few weeks ago, a faint memory has been surfacing in my personal therapy. I see an Internal Family Systems therapist, so often we engage with younger parts of my self. There has been a baby part that's become present and it has been sharing this memory of me being violated by someone. It feels like inappropriate touching, and a finger being stuck up my butt. I'm not sure who is doing the violating - sometimes it's my mother, which I just can't imagine being real, and other times it's a babysitter. It feels so wrong, like I want get this person out of me.

It's so strange to have this memory surface, largely because it feels so unreal! I have so much doubt about whether this happened. It feels like it could not have happened and my mind must be making the whole thing up. On the other hand, I want to believe it so badly. I want to believe that this terrible thing happened to me and that my years of suffering can finally be attributed to something concrete.

So I find myself here, posting a story about a memory that may have happened, and may not have. It is nice to share, and I hope to hear people's reflections on the matter. Is this a familiar story? Have others gone through a similar process of recollecting suppressed memories? Most of what I read involves clearly recollected experiences of abuse, and this hazy realm of questionably real memories has me confused. Is this forum even the right place for me?

Thank you for listening and I hope to hear from some of you.

Edit: One other question - I'm looking to find a book to learn more about this kind of sexual abuse. Any recommendations for readings that relate to early childhood/infant abuse and recalling memories?
What I can honestly say is trauma at any age impacts

My eldest son ( non bio ) had a trauma age 6 months a bad domestic incident followed by police armed with tazzers entering the property to bring it to an end

He feels weird when he sees a ceiling fan and there was a ceiling fan on the night it happened
he seems to have no memory at all of the actual event and when he mentioned it first we was in a restaurant and he said "I don't know why I always feel weird when I see one of those fans pointing at it , but I don't like them.

I'm sorry for what you face and have faced welcome to ms , I hope it helps you as much as it has me

Peace
HL
 
It's so strange to have this memory surface, largely because it feels so unreal! I have so much doubt about whether this happened. It feels like it could not have happened and my mind must be making the whole thing up. On the other hand, I want to believe it so badly. I want to believe that this terrible thing happened to me and that my years of suffering can finally be attributed to something concrete.

So I find myself here, posting a story about a memory that may have happened, and may not have. It is nice to share, and I hope to hear people's reflections on the matter. Is this a familiar story? Have others gone through a similar process of recollecting suppressed memories? Most of what I read involves clearly recollected experiences of abuse, and this hazy realm of questionably real memories has me confused. Is this forum even the right place for me?
Welcome to this community! If you keep looking around here you will find many instances of guys who had missing memories that returned or hazy impressions that came into focus over time. It is not at all unusual to have additional details emerge during therapy or a triggering event or even reading through the threads on these forums. My experience aligns with all of the descriptions i have just listed.

If you identify with anything that you have read here, then this may be the place for you. Only you can decide that. No one is going to interrogate you and declare that you qualify or not. I hope that you will feel welcome and at least learn something by being here - something that may help you in your own healing journey and/or as you prepare to help others in theirs.

Lee
 

figuringitout

New Registrant
It's very reassuring to hear some of your responses.

He feels weird when he sees a ceiling fan and there was a ceiling fan on the night it happened
he seems to have no memory at all of the actual event and when he mentioned it first we was in a restaurant and he said "I don't know why I always feel weird when I see one of those fans pointing at it , but I don't like them.
That's right. There's a faint feeling something is off, and the strangest things trigger it. This experience can be so difficult to come to terms with because it's so ethereal. Often flashbacks are linked to specific incidents, but when the incident is hazy, it becomes harder to identify.

If you identify with anything that you have read here, then this may be the place for you. Only you can decide that. No one is going to interrogate you and declare that you qualify or not. I hope that you will feel welcome and at least learn something by being here - something that may help you in your own healing journey and/or as you prepare to help others in theirs.
Thank you for this assurance. It's strange to identify with being on the receiving end of sexual abuse. But the experiences others have shared seem to resonate, and that is perhaps what is most important.

It has been a slow painful process but your inner child feels you are ready. Listen to him.
Hope this helps you not feel alone.
I really, really appreciate your sharing. Your experience sounds so similar to mine. It's difficult to listen to the faint voice inside that is in despair, especially when your family and culture at large doesn't really support that voice to come out. But I've found the more I can trust the voice, as faint as it is, the more it reveals. Your words are wise. Thank you.
 
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