Did he see me as a perp?

Did he see me as a perp?
C

childsplay4

Registrant
I was just reading "Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Victims" in the article section on this site to try to figure out why my b/f suddenly decided to break up with me via email in a rather cruel manner, acting like I am a psycho, and threatening to call the police if I try to contact him in any way, just a short time after we were kissing in the car after a date.
Victim may react to a current situation as if it were similar to the childhood abuse experience. Victim feels powerless and cannot see the current situation for what it is
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I am wondering if he will at some point realize this, and apologize, or something.
Does anyone have any experience with dealing with this sudden rage, and its aftermath?
Thanks,
cp4
 
I think my bf sees me constantly in this light, even though I have in fact got my own issues which I believe has led to ME be being treated fairly badly in our relationship (12 years). At the moment I don't feel he has any real understanding of anything that's happened between us. He's also said he's never seen me as a threat physically. I think the issue for him may be more the fact he's completely intimidated by me in general, anything I might ever seem to want, need etc. I feel everything's a power battle for him and I am beginning to feel like our relationship is a joke really. I have repeatedly made attempts to try and encourage a situation where both our needs can be met, but don't believe that's actually what he wants right now. I no longer have any understanding of who he is, what he wants and feel he dislikes me if I'm anything less than completely passive.

The key to this stuff is in the person's ability to learn to 'see' situations for what they really are. And THEN they are ready to communicate in an equal, reasonable way which still respects their partner. How long will that take your bf? That's an unknown factor.

The thing I'm finding the most difficult at the moment, is that I feel under pressure to maintain all the other 'trimmings' of our relationship. If I don't, bf's obviously going to feel worried/anxious etc. But, I can't help my own feelings that after much of the time I spend with him, I come out feeling like he treats me with no regard for the fact we are in a relationship. I'm not feeling much love for him in these circumstances and don't really know how to deal with it.

If you can ride the storm and maintain your respect, dignity and self esteme, hang on in there, cause if he's willing to work on himself, no doubt he'll come to understand in time how actually unfair these things can be to us partners,


peace
Beccy
 
The key to this stuff is in the person's ability to learn to 'see' situations for what they really are.
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And I think it is also key to develop an understanding that other people can have a different but equally valid (to them) idea of what a situation "really is."

childsplay, I have heard a lot of similar breakup type stories since I have been here. I think the common thread in all of them is that the survivor for whatever reason feels a need to take back some power over a relationship situation that was causing him to feel like he did not have power or self-control. It is feeling a lack of power that triggers the sense of being abused.

I am not implying that you were an abusive partner. That feeling can come from just naturally growing closer and becoming more vulnerable to each other as time passes, or it can come from a buildup of many little things that upset him but he doesn't say anything at the moment, or from a sense that you don't take him seriously in some ways.

Hurtful actions are not justified, but it is important to realize that feelings and perceptions are not open for debate. I get the sense from your words that you expect an apology for the way he perceived things as much as for what he did. In my opinion, asking him to justify, correct, or apologize for what he was thinking implies that you "know better" than he does and that is part of what makes people feel powerless to begin with.

In a situation where there's already a power struggle it might be best to focus on actions that are unacceptable to you rather than perceptions which you find unrealistic or unfair.
 
This is an IMPORTANT REMINDER y'all -- I remember back when we almost split up due to husband's infidelity 4 1/2 yrs ago. I let him know he was "free to leave," and he stayed. I think because I gave him the control over whether to stay or leave. I am glad I remembered that and read this thread about how important it is for them to feel empowered somewhat.

You know, it's funny. I use certain tactics to get my 3 yr old to comply to things that work because I let her have "some" control....for instance, if she doesn't want to wear her coat, I say, "You can wear this pink coat or this grey one." Then all of a sudden she has some control over which coat to wear and has a little power and she complies so easily, by picking out the coat she wants. It's probably not so simple w/ men but I wish I could say, "Which therapist would you like to see, this one over here or this one?" lol. Unfortunately not many therapists understand male csa and the one I see does, so I'm hoping I can find a way that he will want to go see her eventually. Even if he only goes initially because of his depression symptoms or our intimacy problems which is fine by me. But isn't it interesting that when I give my little girl choices, it totally dissipates her tantrum and she happily makes her choice all because I gave her a little control in the matter. I still got her to wear the coat, but she chose which one. Maybe I couls say to husband, "We could go to the counselor about marital issues or about your depression, whichever one." I probably won't try anything like that for a while and maybe it's too simplistic for them, and they wouldn't comply, but it is food for thought anyway.
 
CP4,

Maybe BrokenHearted is right. Most men behave like three year olds anyway. = )

GW
 
Hi Indy!
Thanks for your reply. My b/f and I just recently broke up for good, because he was always running away. I literally could not plan anything with him for fear he would crawl into his hole again when I needed him. I was just supposed to accept that from time to time he would be incommunicado, licking his wounds, and I just can't do that anymore.
He claims that he loves me, and he will keep on working on our relationship, but I can't believe it anymore. He's done this so many times in the last 6 months that all of the feelings I had for him are nearly gone :-( .
Thanks and Good luck to all! Better luck than I had, anyway!
cp4
PS I will still be around here. This is a very good place.
 
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