devon's story triggers
i been agonizing for days over writing this .i know what i wish i could write ,i wish i could write that i fought ,that i fought with all my being ,beaten into submission. do it or die . But i can't write that cause i didn't fight. i wish i could write that there were threats ,i'll kill you ,or your family,i can't write that cause it didn't happen . i wish i could write some damn thing that would make it look like i wasn't a willing participant ,but i can't. i never knew my dad,grew up just me and my mom . she worked fast food ,money was nonexistent ,sometimes i ate sometimes not ,there were times where the heat or power got shut off . i don't remember a lot before age 11 ,i can't forget everything after.seems like my life exploded at that age. during that summer i met a man at my neighbors house ,found out he was going to be my teacher for the next school year.he was nice and paid attention to me anytime he was there. we got to be friends,my mom thought it was great to have a guy in my life. so when he suggested i sleep over everyone agreed . i was clueless about sex stuff,that thing down there was for peeing . i get to his house he has lots of good stuff to eat and lets me drink from his beer. his house was small with only one bed ,didn't seem odd to me to sleep in the same bed. i told him i didn't bring pj's ,he said underwear was what he always slept in ,so underwear would be ok .he got undressed in front of me ,i hardly noticed,i slipped my cloths off on the side of the bed and slid under the covers so he wouldn't see . i'm just drifting off to sleep ,he rolls over his arm goes across my back ,felt sorta good , he starts rubbing my back ,still feels good . he moves down my back to my butt ,this is the first sign that this is something different. i'm confused ,scared,but most of all excited,no clue why but my heart is racing ,it's hard to breathe. from somewhere inside this tension starts to build ,i don't understand it but i want him to touch me in the front
down there.i don't know why !!!!!! i pray he will touch me ,like i'll die if he doesn't . by now i'm pretending to be asleep trying to control my breathing . i don't know why ,please someone tell me why ! i turned over onto my back still pretending to be asleep.
this put his arm across my chest ,the rubbing started again . i am consumed by feelings i can't understand ,my body feels like i'm on fire and something is happening down there it's growing and more than anything i want him to touch me there. why? what innocent 11 year old would react like that???????? when he did touch me i think i blacked out for a second it was like electric going thru me. that night he did oral on me several times along with touching ,thru it all i pretended to be asleep.when it was over he pulled my underwear back up ,i rolled over and went to sleep. the next morning ,not a word was mentioned about what happened ,when he asked if i wanted to stay over again that night i jumped at the chance,all i knew was i wanted to feel those amazing things again as soon as possible. i'll continue this after i'm sure i'm not gonna piss people off with my story. i feel so like i don't belong with people that got forced or conned into abuse. i know i'm broken ,i don't know how or even what's broken .i don't understand why i reacted like i did .in the end i was just as bad as the guy that molested me ,if i can call it that. there was never a thought crossed my mind about telling ,or even was this bad . i wanted more . i got it ,lots more from this guy and others including my mom.
down there.i don't know why !!!!!! i pray he will touch me ,like i'll die if he doesn't . by now i'm pretending to be asleep trying to control my breathing . i don't know why ,please someone tell me why ! i turned over onto my back still pretending to be asleep.
this put his arm across my chest ,the rubbing started again . i am consumed by feelings i can't understand ,my body feels like i'm on fire and something is happening down there it's growing and more than anything i want him to touch me there. why? what innocent 11 year old would react like that???????? when he did touch me i think i blacked out for a second it was like electric going thru me. that night he did oral on me several times along with touching ,thru it all i pretended to be asleep.when it was over he pulled my underwear back up ,i rolled over and went to sleep. the next morning ,not a word was mentioned about what happened ,when he asked if i wanted to stay over again that night i jumped at the chance,all i knew was i wanted to feel those amazing things again as soon as possible. i'll continue this after i'm sure i'm not gonna piss people off with my story. i feel so like i don't belong with people that got forced or conned into abuse. i know i'm broken ,i don't know how or even what's broken .i don't understand why i reacted like i did .in the end i was just as bad as the guy that molested me ,if i can call it that. there was never a thought crossed my mind about telling ,or even was this bad . i wanted more . i got it ,lots more from this guy and others including my mom.
