desperate...

desperate...
D

despair...

Registrant
darkness is closing around me, day after day, night after night...it becomes thicker, and the light of life drifts farther away...its so hard to keep on struggling everyday to get out of bed in the morning, to sleep at night, to actually live a life. i rarely leave my apartment, not even for therapy appointments anymore. i am feeling that all is lost, that all i hopeless...i can't do this anymore. i can't live life anymore. life is only hell...only sharp pain, cutting deep through the roots of my very soul. i am torn. everyday is another day closer to the end for me...except something keeps me from doing it. that f###ing something is the only thing that is keeping my pathetic lifeless self here on this planet. and i hate it. i can't deal with this pain anymore...and i don't have the energy to deal with this anymore, no more motivation. ever since i drove my girlfriend away, i have nothing left. i have no friends...my parents try to be there for me, but where were they then...during those years. they didn't f###ing care about me then...ever since the day my twin sisters were born, i was alone. i was neglected. so i turned to my cousin when i was about 9. we hung out all of the time. rode bikes thru trails, played guns, played video games. it was the person i had to connect with around me. the only person that showed me care. so when he would want me to be his little bitch, i f###ing took it, not to break the only love i was given. he always played the hero during our "playig guns", and in the dark room in his house, i would play his "girl", and give him blowjobs, get f###ed anally, please him in whatever way he wanted. but what about me, i was never pleased, i was f###ing betrayed by that f###ing bastard. god, i swear, i am going to f###ing tear him to shreds, inch by inch. my life has been destroyed by that kid. he was 13 at the time, and i was nine. and for two years that i can remember, thats how it always happened. time for me then is all jumbled, i can hardly remember most of my life before seventh grade. i am 22 years old now, and f###ing up in college. my girlfriend recently broke up with me, because i can't seem to trust anyone. which, besides all of this coming out, has been a devastation to my life. she has been my support, my love, my embracing arms for almost two years. we had plans...long term plans. and now she is gone, and i have no one...i am alone. i am desparate, i am dying each day...and i feel that nothing can save me. my therapist told me about this site a few months ago, and i have come to look around, read some posts, get some insight, never really feeling able to post anything myself. so now, i reach out for support, some help, because i have nothing left...my life is going to be over soon if i can't find love somewhere...and i am only hanging by a thread...help me...please...make this pain go away...
 
Hang in there Despair, I was in your position, but I snapped out of it and so can you. There is light at the end of the tunnel:
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000038

Peace
MO Healing
 
Despair
I don't know if this will help or not, but we have ALL been there at one point or another and we have all survived it! You are a survivor! You've had some horrible things happen to you in your life, but you survived them! You are here for a reason, and it is not to be abused and abandoned! Please hang in there and know that it gets better!!! A year ago I could have written your post. After a year of breakthroughs in therapy and being here on this site and a great retreat in NY last Sept. I am now feeling much better and moving toward healing.
Know that here you will find unconditional love and understanding. I am glad you are reaching out for the help and support you need.
Ron
PS- one last thought - GET OUT AND GO SEE YOUR T!
 
I feel exactly like you feel most of the time...but at least you have the strength and ability to let somebody in your life---your girlfriend....if she is incapable or unwilling to help you through your struggles, she is not worthy of you.....maybe you need to take time for yourself, to let you feel how you need to feel...do you think therapy is helping you?????....it sounds like at least you have a support system with your parents....hell, i kept myself locked up in bed for most of a year and nobody cared about me, even though my family lives 5 minutes away.....so you do have positive things in your life.....i understand breaking up with somebody is difficult, but at least you were brave enough to go out and have a relationship, i have kept myself so isolated and emotionally unavailable that i'm incapable of that.....i know people telling you to look at the positives in your life is annoying, but it sounds like you have people that care about you.....if you want to talk more, we are all here for you....take care....michael
 
Despair: Heed the words of your brothers here. We have all been where you are now. As one said you are a survivor and that shows real strength. It is good that you hate your cousin. On the flip sided do not hate yourself or feel you were to blame in any way at all. You were not. He controlled you PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
The feelings you have now will pass as you move further into healing.

And we are all here to help you down that road just as wyou unknowningly help us. A really big thing for us is that you place your trust with us totally. I mean that is something we have seldom ever done, except here, and very rarely have had it given to us.
Despair you are in the right place believe me. The road will be bumpy but the potholes are not insurmountable.

I admire your determination to heal at so young an age. I was 56 before I thought I needed it. And the intervening years from 16 to 56 were pure hell. Do I have set backs. Sure do!!. But even with the setbacks it is 100o times better than it was so stick around. We are all brothers here
 
Despair, you've certainly come to the right place:
to be desperate, to vent that desperation with other desperate people, to find the support of other male survivors thru your despair.

Way to get it out.

Keep coming & getting it out.

And seeing what you can get out of this brotherhood, as well as what you have to give to it, to us.

Victor
 
Despair
There's not much to add to what these guys have already told you.

But I'll throw my thoughts and support in as well because I know how much it can mean to someone just starting their recovery like you.

Like Mike, and so many others, I waited far too long to start recovery - I was 45.
But recovery is a realistic goal, I'm 49 now and a completly different person to the one I was. The one who acted out with other guys, was suicidal and completly disfunctional. I have learnt to control my life for the first time ever. For you the opportunities are even better because you have youth on your side.

Stick with your therapy, stay with us.
Here you'll find support, ideas, friendship and much more. So many of us have been where you are now - alone and afraid, but together we have something special.

Dave
 
Thank you all for all of your gracious and supportive words. I was away all weekend at a Lacrosse tournament down in Maryland for my college team I play on. The night I first posted here was a horrible one for me. I go through those nights almost every night, and most days. The weekend went really well though, despite my self loathing tendencies. I did not want to go, but was talked into by one of my teammates. We played a game on Friday night, and all I could do was completely doubt myself, through the whole game. Thoughts like, I suck, I am a failure, I should have never ccome on this trip were plaguing me all day. And having to room with 4 guys in a room with only two twin size beds was completely uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable around other guys. Especially when they are all making jokes about sleeping in the same bed as another guy and those things. It hit me right in the heart, and I was left speechless, just trying to laugh along with all of those comments, knowing deep inside that I have been raped by another man. But overall, things have been better for now. The weekend has taken me out of my slump. And coming home to read all of your great support has just put a warming smile on my face. Thank you all so much, and I look forward to growing and healing with all of you here. I look forward to helping all of you out as much as I can, and also look forward to relying on you guys for all the support you can provide. Its great to know that I have somewhere I can vent, and to know you will all be here for me in my darkest hours. I will be there for all of you as well. Thank you...thank you...my new found brothers
 
Despair: It is good to se you are ok. I know how you must have felt in that room. I recently joined a health club and it is all male and there is a big open shower. I was terrified of going in there naked with a bunch of other guys. And I am 62. But you know what. Nothing happened and it feels great to get clean with other guys and to talk freely when I am in there. In three months I have taken my bmi from 21 to 16%. I have found that most of the guys in there are supportive of the work out ethic and will help you to do it right. Big surprise for me that My terror of assault was groundless.

My brother you do fit in with the other guys on the team. They asked you to come and be a part of it. Let it happen brother. Let the friendship and camaraderie of College life wash over you. You deserve it.

And you also fit in here. Stick arond you will find a lot of brothers to help you through the bad times and who will be happy for you in the good times. But always we are on your side.
 
Despair
learning to face our fears is the backbone of healing, and the fears of self doubt are so strong within us.
I've been in therapy and working on my recovery for nearly 5 years now and I still have times when I doubt myself, but it's a whole lot better than it was I promise you.
You've done so much for yourself by going, competing, and being with other guys in what must have been an incredibly difficult situation for you. So it's right that you should feel good about it, mark it up as a victory and enjoy it.

It'll be easier the next time, and it gets easier every time after that. Why ? because you, me, and all the guys here, are making the effort to understand what happened to us rather than just thinking that "maybe somethings wrong" but doing nothing about it.
They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, and it's true. The price we have to pay is some homework, therapy and learning how we tick.
But it's worth it.

Dave
 
WOW your comment really hit home with me!
having to room with 4 guys in a room with only two twin size beds was completely uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable around other guys. Especially when they are all making jokes about sleeping in the same bed as another guy and those things. It hit me right in the heart, and I was left speechless, just trying to laugh along with all of those comments, knowing deep inside that I have been raped by another man.
Click to expand...
I have never been able to put it into words or even really identify why rooming with guys on trips freaks me out so badly. I never feel fear since they are all my close friends, but it always brings up issues with me. I think your comment helped me to understand myself a little better. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us and thank you for helping me grow.
Ron
 
Hello Despair,

Someday, hopefully soon, you will change that nick.

It is good to have another young man here, confronting your abuse early in your life. You did one of the things most people tell us to do when we are in depression...that is, you have to move depression. Playing a game as part of your college team was just what you needed.

Des, I am an elderly man, 66 years old and feeling most days more like 86 yo. What I see you doing is so common for us who have been raped. I am always a little embarassed to use that word to people who do not know me well. But that is what happened again and again.

Hating your cousin, really hating what he did to you, and how he thought only of himself and his pleasure, that is all 100% normal.

But we older survivors have learned that we cannot let him be the victor here. We can't let our perp win. If we feel self-loathing and useless, he wins.

You are a good young man. When we honor you as a survivor it is because we all know what it takes to be a survivor. Many of us let the perp control our feelings and we got drunk, used drugs, sold ourselves on the street, climbed into a hole and really just stopped living.

I hope that you will not do that. Look at yourself in a mirror and tell yourself that you are going to have a really good life and be successful and you are going to enjoy life.

For us men, I think that there may be nothing so emasculating as being raped. We felt so powerless at the time, we had no choice but to let the perp have his way. But you are no longer powerless. You have admitted what happened to you, you have come here and talked to us about it, and even though you felt crummy, you went with your team mates and played a taxing game. Celebrate that.

Des, remember that none of this was your fault. It is not at all your fault that you did not fight him off. You did not willing do any of this. Nothing is your fault and nothing is something for you to be ashamed about--you are the victim, he is the perverted perpetrator. But he may have bad feelings about himself for doing that to you too.

As you cintinue to come here you will see other men hating themselves and thinking that they are less of a man etc. You and all of us know that thinking like that is accepting lies that have been told to us. We know the truth now and we reject those idiotic lies.

You have met some guys here who will be very faithful friends to you. You can count on us. Be sure you can love yourself. You are a courageous young man and you will get well in time.

Bob
 
Despair,
From your second post, this really, really resonants with me:
The night I first posted here was a horrible one for me. I go through those nights almost every night, and most days. The weekend went really well though, despite my self loathing tendencies. I did not want to go, but was talked into by one of my teammates. We played a game on Friday night, and all I could do was completely doubt myself, through the whole game. Thoughts like, I suck, I am a failure, I should have never ccome on this trip were plaguing me all day.
Click to expand...
All through my twenties and most of my thirties, I experienced a similar sort of all consuming self-loathing, especially in any social situation. Sometimes to the point of having to leave because I would get to a 'I'm going to explode if I don't get out of here' intensity of fear and loathing.

It's hard now for me to say what has helped the most, years of therapy, or finally finding the proper antidepressant. A lot of the newer meds actually help with other symptoms besides the depression. For me, Effexor has helped reduce my social phobia and perhaps the self-loathing to a much more manageable level.

Between your two posts, it sounds like (and this doesn't make it so) you might have depression and or some big anxiety problems that could be helped with meds.

The last thing I want to do is advocate for taking all these drugs of questionable efficacy and unproven long-term consequences. However, it might be something to explore with an MD, preferably a Pdoc. Sometimes the results make it worthwhile, life-saving in my case.

I'd write more but I'm toooo depressed (just kidding).

jer
 
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