DESPERATE FOR ADVICE

[sandylee]

Dave,

I did not tell him what I could or could not accept other than I could not accept lies. As far as boundries, I don't know if, when, or how we will figure that out.

I guess what is tearing me up so much right now is not being able to answer: Am I a terrible mother/person for being able to still love him knowing what I know now?

Sandy

 

[James_dup1]

Good luck. Not sure what else to say, your daughter is safe. Thats number one, and you see that and understand that. As for staying or going, well to be honest thats something you have to figure out on your own. No matter what we think or dont think. One of the things I had to learn is that I have controll over my life and the direction it takes. It's not something anyone could tell me or teach me. So best of luck.

James

 

[Wifey1]

Sandylee,
in the past few postings of yours I've read your question "am I a terrible mother?" -- for loving this man and my daughter.
a tension of opposites. I am in no way able to judge a person by their thoughts feelings and actions. I do know tho, that you are responding above normal for a very abnormal situation.
MY opinion only -- the reason I say "above normal" is that you are working and seeking answers to some very very hard questions.
I can only speak for myself, but have read many of the postings on here where "mothers" (my own hubbys mom also) ignored and did nothing to protect their children when they saw with their own eyes (mine included) or took an active role in abusing their children right along with their abusers.
A bad mom in my opinion, does not seek the help that you have been seeking --- you are in a very hard spot, but there are avenues of rescue for you AND your daughter.
PLEASE PLEASE follow Ken Singer's advice and contact him via PM or the Stop It Now line, -- explain your situation wholly with not having a job, a home etc.... there are emergency shelters and help available for you. YOU ARE IN A DOMESTIC VIOLENT SITUATION -- no he may not hit you, he may be remorseful and very willing to talk to you about his troubles.... BUT, you are not qualified to take on or help him heal -- only HE and a Professional can do that. Yes, you can love him, but YOU cannot fix him.
Make YOU number one, so that you have energy and resources to help your most important person right now in your life....YOUR DAUGHTER.
I really dont mean to be so harsh --- but there IS emergency housing available and therapy available to you and your daughter.
Your boyfriend, must heal himself, if you are still wanting to continue a relationship to "support him" my suggestion is that you seek help from a qualified therapist who can help you assess the risk factors of staying attached or in contact with the boyfriend -- and if you are able to stay in contact WHAT, the rules would be for that contact and HOW that contact would take place.
Yes, it is possible to love someone who has crossed the line -- I myself still love my hubby tho we've been apart 3 years -- the rules have changed off and on for contact, and I can tell you this much ... and it is dangerous not only for your daughter but for yourself -- you admit to being very co dependant -- if you know this of yourself then you know that you can very easily let your emotions and your mind minimize the damage and danger around you --- WHAT PRICE ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY????
Take ACTION, contact Ken, Call the Hotline, and call for help , ask for referrals for help regarding your living situation --- It may seem like a huge step, and it is -- but NOT taking that step garruntees that you stay where you are and eventually minimizing in your mind "its not that bad" "she didnt see him naked" --- can easily cause you to NOT take any steps at all -- SACRIFICING your daughters safty that much more.
If the house was on fire you would grab that girl and run ..... I'm telling you -- YOU'RE HOUSE IS ON FIRE... call those numbers and get help!
May you be surrounded by strength, peace and help from the kindness of many.
Peace, Sammy

 

[ABridget]

It seems everyone is being very sympathetic and giving you good advice, Sandy. I have to say I'm totally freaked out by what you say has happened to your daughter. It sounds like she's not even in your life for long stretches of time. You have to know that he was groping her in some way while he masturbated. Please, please call the 1-800-stopitnow people. I called when I was worried about my husband and my daughter and they gave me a lot of good advice.
forlauren (I had to change my screen name because my other computer caught a virus and I had to reregister).

 

Originally posted by sandylee:
My fiancee recently told me about his brother What do I do?

1. Sex abuse against a child victim does not produce a sex offender. Many, many, many victims have been abused and don't go on to violate others.

2. AD/HD diagnosis has nothing to do with child sex abuse except that children diagnosed with AD/HD may more likely be victims of such offenses. AD/HD and ODD are diagnoses concerning attending span and possibly genetic predispositions having nothing to do with sex abuse.

3. Sex offenders are reported to learn at an early age to manipulate. Reportedly, many offenders shop for women with children (easy prey). It appears this paramour is trying to tell you he hasn't been able to stop himself from acting on his thoughts. Would you take your child to a bank robbery if a lover said he felt the ned to rob a bank with your daughter? Why would either crime be less of a crime?

4. If anyone discloses this information to a mandated reporter (or others who might report), you might have to choose between your child and this boyfriend - forever. The government might consider your actions as neglect and endangerment to the welfare of the child. Even children's drawings disclose sex abuse, many times. If abused, your child may live with a lifetime of emotional scars. We are given the job of protecting our children from harm - above our wants. In fact, a government agency could petition this message board to obtain your ID, etc.

5. You can't stop someone from committing suicide. Suicide is a personal choice. You are responsible for your child.

Sorry.

 

Originally posted by sandylee:
[QB] My fiancee recently told me about his brother

P.S. If you called from a telephone booth and asked law enforcement what would happen if an adult was masturbating in a bed next to a minor child (under the covers or not), you might learn that law enforcement might arrest the person and charge him with a sex offense against a minor child. Also, your child might IMMEDIATELY be removed. You could be charged for not reporting the act and not protecting your child.

There are plenty of other places for an adult to masturbate. Why involve the child...you might ask yourself?

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

PredatorGame:
I deleted your post in the Survivor's Stories as it is not appropriate for that forum. You are getting some people upset, concerned and suspicious with your posts. You have not allowed anyone to pm you and your profile gives no info as to who you are, why you are here.

If you are here to get folks interested in your "guide", please be aware that we don't allow any commercial selling here.

Please pm me for further discussion.

Ken Singer
Board of Directors, MaleSurvivor