Desperate....and fading

Desperate....and fading
L

Lars

Registrant
About 20 years ago I was sexually abused by a male family member. I struggled with it most of my life and eventually went into a deep depression which has been difficult to get out of. I have been in counseling for several years, but can't get over the hump. For the most part, I feel like I have forgiven the family member, yet I am left with frustrating occasional sexual attractions to men. I am married and love my wife, but ever since I started seeing a therapist, my sex life has died. I struggle with these emotions and am interested to hear from others about this issue that is starting to eat away at me, almost to the point of no return....
 
Hi Lars, I can say I understand your situation. I was molested for many years by a family member, which affected my whole life. In my mid 20's I sought therapy as you are doing now and worked out a lot of issues. I reached a stage that I actually was able to forgive my abuser for the most part. What was left to conquer was my sexuality. Opposed to ever allowing myself to find out who I am I hid and delved deeply into my work; this I did since my late teens. I left myself with only time to sleep a few hours. I have yet to allow myself the right to see just who I am. Currently I am battling with the same issue you are only I am single. I can't advise you for I am in the same situation, and yet I feel that you should just let yourself be whoever you are. I got this sound advice from other members on this site and it really was encouraging. I wish you a rewarding journey that in the end really takes you to a path of true happiness.
 
When I first came to terms and talked about what had happened to me, I felt similar. It felt like I wasn't meant to be the person I thought I was meant to be. I had become so withdrawn from everything; I had a young wife and two beautiful daughters. Sex just didn't seem right any more, I was numb. I was doing a lot of searching inside myself trying to understand something about everything I was feeling and remembering. Then the bottom dropped out, my wife told me she was having an affair with someone I thought was a friend. I couldn't take it and I started telling her everything I was feeling and remembering. It felt great to get it out, but it ended my marriage. When I first started seeing a therapist I felt as if I was stuck in a railroad crossing with a loco-motive train barring down on me. The light was blinding me and my ability to see that things could get better.

Now 8 years later, I've reached the next stage of my own personal recovery. When I first came to terms I confronted my first offered, the one that taught me it was ok to touch people. BUT she did accept what I was saying to her and told me I did know what I was talking about and said I was trying to ruin her life. I still call her mom, but have trouble talking with her most of the time. I have no clue about my second and third, but I know right where my fourth is. I actually ran into him when I first started deal with everything. Maybe it was just me and dealing with everything, but it felt as if he was trying to hit on me and get me to come back to his beach house. I was so scared, BUT NOW!!!! I feel so strong with my issues; I want to actually confront him, just so he knows I AM STRONG and that what he did to me didn't defeat me.

As part of my own recovery, I test my sexuality; although I still have some level of attraction to men, my heart desires the love of a female. I currently remarried and continue to have a great relationship with my daughters. I dont look back with fear of what happen to me, but for the strength it has provided to me to be a better person.

BE BRAVE!!!
BE STRONG!!!
BE YOURSELF!!!
 
It takes a lot, but each day I continue to get better. I'm braver, stronger and everyday I become more of the person I am meant to be.

Best of luck!!!
 
Lars,
I feel for you so much. When I joined MS was the first time I realized that heterosexual men could have real issues with dealing with residual "male attraction" from their molestings. I feel lucky that I am gay and never had to deal with some of the issues you are struggling with and working on. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. I don't mean this to sound glib at all....but just keep reaching into your heart for the truth....not just your memories.
Steve
 
i don't mean to throw a fly in the ointment but

i read in a newspaper in Washington D.C.

that 75% of men - like to sleep with other men - but prefer to stay with a girlfriend -

another portion of men - prefer the male sexual and life partner.
 
Hi Lars.
What you are describing is typical for people like us. Healing can cause as many problems as the abuse did but hang in there and it will all work out. Keep talking to your t and your sex life with your wife will return. Your ocassional attraction towards men is because of your abuse issues. Once you begin to heal you will see things more clearly.

Peace,
Gregory.
 
Mark, that couldn't be 75% of all men. Do you remember the exact category? (...perhaps, 75% of all bisexual men?)
 
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