despair

despair
B

Brayton

Registrant
I had a good session with my T this morning. There is only so much time to talk, however, and so I think I tend to omit those things which seem to big to find solutions for.

And, just after the session, on my way to work, I was feeling pretty good about it but, then, also felt at my very core an endlessly deep well of sadness that I cannot imagine ever not being there.

Words don't describe the feeling adequately or accurately. Each time I become conciously aware of it, however, I start crying and I not just remember but feel the deep sadness of the child that I was.

I even see him in a place that I know and know how old he was and some of what has put him there. He stands there utterly alone. I cannot help but look into his eyes, totally black and shiny with tears and then fall in, plummeting into sadness, emotional pain.

I know that I'm not supposed to say this or think this or feel this, but when that happens it feels more real than anything else. With it is the absolute certainty that that is the true, authentic me.

Why do people expect a guy to live with that for a whole lifetime?
 
Brayton,
I know just how you feel. I see my own inner child and I'm just filled with sorrow and anger that such a young boy had to learn to endure all this abuse. When I'm overcome by these thoughts, I don't fight them. I just try to make sure that after the wave of sorrow passes I'll take positive steps for myself to heal that old pain.

Takre care of yourself.
Dan
 
Brayton

I get the same feeling reflecting on my inner child and my childhood, I work with a guy same age as myself, used to be mates in college many years ago, and we always talk about the past.

We sometimes talk about when we were kids,never knew him then, but isn't it strange to still have to lie about your past to pretend it never happened, good thing though, he tells me things about the area in which I live, that my mind has difficulty recalling, and things fit into place, it is worth talking just to find "my" past.

I have hope that you can get thru this, as your posts are generally positive, I think if we can focus on some of the good things that went on in our childhoods and try to balance them out, it makes us more tolerant.

There are so many emotions that were locked away for so long, I know it is difficult sometimes to know which emotion is causing the problem, if not all of them, like a bunch of crossed wires, I think the best way is to talk about it with like minded people, like us in here. Locked pent up emotions really can frighten, but knowing that you are telling it to people who have also been thru similar stuff is the best therapy around.
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"Why do people expect a guy to live with that for a whole lifetime?"
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In reply to another post as per the quote, no we should not have been left at all, society has a duty to help at the first instance, why should you have to pay for a T when some shit abuser does this to you.

You've already paid the price, the price of a lost childhood is not calculable, not to me anyway

take care

ste
 
Brayton - I hear your question echo from multitudes of us survivors! It's hard to believe that it wasn't until the late '80s well into the '90s that male sexual abuse victims found a place to speak out and realize "I'm not alone in this". We older guys have this place! Young er and VERY young guys are receiving help before they get out iof their childhoods. Caring people are making a difference.

Yes, I recognize your emotional reactions. When I experienced that, I realized those awful, real, intense emotional reactions had been covered and buried for years. Finally, inspite of their pain - they were experienced and let out todaty. As horrible and scary as it may seem at the time, they are signs of progress and healing. Your "inner child" is getting to grieve what happened to him.

Don't let them frighten you away from moving forward. Even though there may be more experiences like that one, I encourage the journey. Speaking from my own experience, the pain, hurt, angry and the rest of the crap is definitely worth it!

HOLD ON! BE BRAVE! WALK ON!

Howard
 
This sadness, and utter despair is sadly common. We were forced to learn things that no child should ever have to learn, we were treated in such terrible ways, when all a child should recieve is love, real love, not false love that some abusers claim to have shown.

The sadness will pass in time, you will be able to climb the walls of that well of despair, and you will get through it. When you are able, do something good for yourself, to help you climb out of the well.

You are strong enough to survive it, I know it hurts, I know the pain this feeling causes, but your inner child will heal as you continue to heal.

When this despair comes, just let it come for awhile, we need to mourn for what was lost, and what was stolen from us. Mourning is natural, and a needed part, and you must let it come, but once you start to rebound keep going for the good, you can get through.

scott
 
Someone still loves that little boy and is reaching out to help him.

Thru all of the confusion and pain you held on to a love for yourself. Now is the time for you to nurture that love. Your tears are just a way to wash away the time that stands between the two of you.

Aden
 
Brayton - I believe that you see your inner child because you are giving him recognition and validation now. It is an opportunity for the 2 parts of yourself to grieve and then you can move on together. I experienced something similar.

Wishing you the best...Rik
 
Brayton,

I don't know I can give very good advice, or support right now. Because I have been at point of 'despair' also recent weeks.

What keeps me keeping in hope and faith is to look at some people here. There are some men here who have reached the end of the rainbow, or close enough to smell the gold. They are mostly happy. They are mostly 'together' with things in their life. They are huge inspiration and source of support to others. I see that, I see them, and I have to believe that we all can be them, with enough work and time.

Brayton, I know only you can do the work, just as only I can. I will support you as much I can, as will everyone here. And I wish you limitless time.

Leosha
 
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