Despair...Please be in a good frame of mind to read this.

Despair...Please be in a good frame of mind to read this.
S

Sinking

Registrant
Things have to get worse before they get better. What a tired old cliche'. Tired because that's what I keep hearing from people and what I keep telling myself.

But the big secret has been out for some time. My family knows. My wife knows. My friends know. My counselor knows. My therapist knows. They've all been supportive in the best ways they know how. I've been working my hardest (my therapist says too hard, need to slow down) to learn, understand and get past all of this pain and despair for several long, agonizing months now. But every time I turn the corner, there is no better in sight, only more worse.

Now I've been diagnosed as suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What's next? How much worse does it have to get before it gets better? There seems to be no end to this. Yet I keep on fighting, keep on putting on the happy face because I have to believe in the tired, old cliche'. There is no alternative. But I feel destined to live the rest of my days in pain and despair. It's really all I've known, except when I was in denial, not dealing with it. Those were better, more care-free times. Days when I would just be my goofy, funny self and my daughter would giggle. Now those moments are few and far between, I want them back but they are nowhere in sight.

So, despite the care, support and love from others. Despite my taking this thing head-on and not relinquishing, not letting up, standing as strong as I can and reinvigorating my already weak determination, it just keeps getting worse. I want to crawl back under my rock but that is no longer an option either. I wish I just fucking stayed there, but I was forced into dealing with this (circumstances irrelevant), I had no choice, just like I had no choice so many years ago when I was abused. Will I ever have control over what happens to me? Will I ever see better? Because I'm pretty sick and tired of worse.
 
I was going to post something very like this about myself but then read your post and realized that I didn't have to.

If things have to get worse before they get better then I should being feeling pretty good by now. That cliche' doesn't make sense, however. Its a set up in which things can never get permanently better because they can always get worse again. If the cliche' is to be believed the best a person can hope for is some kind of roller coaster emotional life.

Actually, that's how I am seeing my life today but, as anyone who has read other of my posts here can tell you, I do in fact have good days, days in which I feel I have made progress and am healing.

At least you are standing against the flood even while the waters seem to get deeper. That requires a level of courage which survivors often, I think, take for granted or neglect giving themselves credit for.

At the very least, we are courageous. We are survivors and we have left denial behind and can't go back. To stand here now means that we possess and demonstrate a inestimatable degree of courage.

I gave to admit that I wouldn't be here if at least some small part of me did not continue to believe that one day my life will not be defined by getting better-getting worse but rather by character, self-confidence, and competence.

Much of that and the opportunity for its development in me was taken away by the abuse. I've largely stopped denying that and I've come to accept that some part of it will probably never be reclaimed. There's nothing happy in all that.

Looking forward sometimes offers only a bleak prospect for me but not always. Not always.
 
Guys I want to ask you something. How long was your dirty little secret kept (Not yours but your perps). Somehow we are made to believe it was all our fault and therefore we have the guilt. Your life before you sought help was hell if you are like me at all.

Post traumatic stress disorder. Well I can see that. What happened to you guys was the worst thing that has happened to you in your lives.

I also know that each and everyone of us when we finally seek help want to take a crash course in moving on. Hey the magic pill theory. Well it is not there cause I would have found it and taken it. We are in such a rush to move on. Well the mind does not work like that. And we should not either. Someone once said that something worth doing is worth doing well. And that is so important with us.


How long will it take to move on. Quite simply AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

The important thing to remember now is that you are not alone and we are all with you each and every step of the way.
 
Maroon 5, Brayton, Mike - I've read this post several times, and it is one that I want to respond to but am having some difficulty in doing so.

When I hit the bottom in December, I didn't know where I was, or where the hell I was going. I went through the motions of Christmas...had a housefull on Christmas Day and I felt like something from Day of the Dead. Managed to get through it & only a couple of people realised over the holiday how far down I was.

In the New Year, I started to tell a few more people (I hadn't wanted to spoil Christmas for them). Started therapy & I'm very much on the up. I am now rarely down (certainly don't hit zero anymore).

One of the things that helps me at the moment are some baskets that hang on the wall at the front of my house - I planted them in early november just before I started my major decline. Now that I am recovering, they have absolutely burst into life & are admired by others in the street. *It's only just spring here, but they are full of minature daffodils, herbs (not herb) & other seasonal plants. Half of the stuff Idon't even remember planting.

I guess the moral here is : Deal with what you are dealing with as an individual, but also try to create some colour in the life of others. I feel good when others feel good (except for old dirty *******).

If you can afford it, buy a pot, some soil & seeds... look after it and watch what blooms. I think it reminds me of the good times before I was abused (grandparents & uncles had fantastic gardens & us kids were always allowed to help & have outr own plots). I think I am back onto my theme of creating something can make you feel good - doesn't get rid of the other stuff, but it helps.
 
And sorry for rambling again ...best wishes Rik.

Hope it makes some sense!

Yes it does get better...it is painful, but it fades!
 
Sinking
even if circumstances hadn't driven you out from under your rock, sometime soon you'd outgrow that rock and have to leave anyway.
I don't believe that we can hide away for ever without some serious damage, more than we get from dealing with it.

PTSD is probably more common than many people think, and just because you've now got a name for what you have doesn't mean that things are going to change from this day on. Remember that it's a diagnosis of what you've got and had for a long time without ever knowing about it, even during the good times you have had PTSD, so don't sweat that one too much because once we have a name for what we have then help is at hand.

Having a bad time is a bummer, and it does seem that things will never get better again - but they do, trust us on that. ;)

Dave
 
I hope you can believe that even though we are not close in proximity you have friends here that want to shoulder you in your pain and lock arms with you to forge forward...

I deal with someone in a very heightened progressive state of PTSD... my beloved spouse of 18 1/2 years...
allow your loved ones opportunity to get counseling with you and let them be well versed in the symptoms that play into your problems...

if you need info for family and friend support for PTSD I have several links... PM me...

your welcome to pour yourself out here.. sinking
(but with your head above water)
 
Sinking,

Sorry to hear it's so tough right now. You have a lot of people pulling for you - myself included!

I was treated for PTSD with a great therapist following a year that saw the murder of a good friend and cleaning up the scene, being shot at during the L.A. riots and surviving a plane crash.

Other than that it was a pretty good year.

Sorry for the twisted humor in that, but that's one way to deal with it. I suffered badly, though no one else knew it - soldiering on despite the fact I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. By facing the events, developing new coping strategies, and new ways of handling the pressure, dawn eventually came.

So hang in there. Be thankful for the support of family and friends - and give yourself time to not work so hard on the problems. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Then you can go back on the attack with fresh energy.

I'm still a long way from where I need to be - my therapist and I did not get into my SA. That's my next challenge.

Shadow

'Morning has been all night coming, but see how surely the dawn comes'

'For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.' - Fr. Alfred D'Souza
 
Hey Bro, I'll bet if you go ahead and make an attempt at being your "goofy funny self", your daughter will respond. [Maybe teach her the primal scream?] You are going to be victorious and not a victim any longer. I'm praying for you. Dan
 
Sinking,

Like Dave says, PTSD is more common than most think. The estimated lifetime prevalence of PTSD among adult Americans is 7.8%, with women (10.4%) twice as likely as men (5%) to have PTSD at some point in their lives. This represents a small portion of those who have experienced at least one traumatic event; 60.7% of men and 51.2% of women reported at least one traumatic event. More than 10% of men and 6% of women reported four or more types of trauma during their lifetimes. The traumatic events most often associated with PTSD in men were rape, combat exposure, childhood neglect, and childhood physical abuse. It is treatable and much research in treatment, both with medicine and therapy, has been done and is on-going.

As Lupin has said in another post - Some days will be very bad and some very good. I hope that you will have more of the very good days and your daughter giggles. Keep up the fight, you are doing the right thing.

Take care,
Bill
 
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